As a pretty timid child, I found writing to be a great love and outlet for things I didnt want to say. I’ve outgrown this, but was a big people pleaser until adulthood, so writing gave me a space to be authentic. I’ve always had a connection to written words whether it was song lyrics, poetry, journalism, expressing my thoughts. I always pick it up, put it down for a few months or years, but always find its a favorite of mine.

I will blog about many things I’m sure, but the Trump presidency and all its difficulty to come to terms with (simultaneously the difficulty it brings trying to relay those sentiments to his supporters) will be the first and probably the topic for a while.

I took a bubble bath on November 9th and just wept. Several of my friends couldn’t get out of bed. I walked into a room with many a friend after the election and saw their faces filled with exhaustion, sadness, and a heaviness I wish I could have taken from them. I get it. I watched his campaign as an alumni of UNC in poli-sci. I did decide politics wasn’t the right course because I liked the arts, business, and other things more. Also, decided that because I did not like the corruption or intensity of it all. It has been there, but this? I thought surely there was no way this level of thoughtlessness in policy and attack on group after group could fly. I picked his 100 day contract apart and it alarmed me how easily I just remembered things I learned and that discredited his ideas. I watched him attack the media as most authoritarian leaders I studied had. I watched someone take my profile picture and call me a “black bitch” for defending Michelle Obama. I am a white, blonde haired girl to show you the utter stupidity of a comment like that and the presence of racial harassment. I dont mind except for the way a race was used like it was an insult like i wasnt aware we time warped back to 1963. whats wrong with you? It shattered the idea we had gotten past that even though it was petty. I watched freedom of religion , the very core of our beginnings, be threatened. I watched hate. I watched a total lack of grace and lack of respect for people at a basic level become PEOTUS.

I haven’t known how to move forward after. I took to twitter in some admittedly emotional rants. My grief was not graceful. Im still working through that. Perhaps, because I studied it and care. Perhaps because Im sensitive and care about people. Perhaps because we will all laugh one day I felt all this. Perhaps because i should feel those things. Who knows. I am growing as a person and learned much about myself in this time.

There are feelings of knowing I cannot stand with him. Thoughts that I cannot not stand behind the President as an American whose job is to always stand with her country. There is fear, there is anger, there is hope in overcoming, there is “maybe it won’t be as bad as we thought” there is trying to be open minded, there is knowing better. There is not wanting to give my Republican friends the idea I hate them. A confusing space of still loving all the same people the same as I always did, but knowing many a thing with Trump is not right or ok. I dont respect this platform. I dont respect its delivery or the man who delivered it. As he gave away being respected through his lack of respect of others, behavior, and more. I have never been that way about a President. That lack of respect for this isnt a lack of you though. Its just a period I find overwhelmingly disheartening. I will always respect your right to differing opinions. I dont know your reasoning for voting. Its none of my business. I honor youre allowed your own thoughts. I am. Relaying how this is not our normal disagreement on issues nor presidency in all the wrong ways is a must. So is remaining loving and not losing relationships. Balancing those two is difficult. We can’t cave and we dont want to be that way. Its fundamentally different at the level of human beings are allowed to be honored before either of our opinions. Its different in that he is not concerned with American values or its health but his own “assets” at least to my understanding. Maybe Im wrong. It does happen. I honestly think no less of anyone for how they voted. My frustration is with him not with you. I just know if I feel the way I have and that strongly its something I have to express. There are frustrations in not being able to make others see why this is getting the reaction it is. It is confusing not knowing whether to humble yourself or listen to the alarms going off. Like what is the actual problem here me or what is happening?I can only offer a look at the other side. It is important I am not the only one who opens her mind at this time. “America can only function as a healthy democracy if we find a way to diversify our social connections”.

I know that before someone is “illegal” they are human beings. That always deserves love and respect because that is a “you are a human thing”. I know I talked with an Arabic friend of mine during the election and he said “What about Trump supporters? Everyone rags on them, but what about them? They should not have to go through that either.” hes right… He then had to watch his country vote for someone who wants to ban his religion. I know that I, as a woman, deserve to be able to say a man who said “you can grab their pussy” shouldn’t be respected and that be unquestionably true. Like not even an argument. I know my gay friends have been through enough with struggling to be able to honor their identities in America. I know minorities have been through enough bullshit in American history. I know Trump supporters saying they are not racist may be comforting, but racism is still an issue. Also, what the hell you guys? We all sat in grade school and know it is wrong. My aunt and mom taught me not to judge anyone by the color of their skin before I was like 5. Why is this still a thing for any of us? I just expect that out of people around me because its decency.

I pray for the United States everyday now. I pray for a man who has provoked deep anguish and even anger in me to do well because that is what my country needs me to do. I pray we heal. I pray…

I read this quote that said, “before a seed becomes a flower all its insides pop out, its shell cracks, and it looks like a disaster”. I hope all these things that popped out as problems give us an opportunity to fix those things. That this mess is that seemingly disastrous process that will become blooming. It will take work and willingness to see those things, but lets not waste the opportunity.

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