Writer Hilariously Documents Child’s Birth
These are the mostly true adventures of having a second child. I was a nervous wreck for the first one, but this one I took the time to really savor the situation. I hope you enjoy.
***
(4:15 AM)
Wife: My contractions are 5–7 minutes apart.
Mom: Are you sure you’re having contractions? When I had them, I couldn’t even talk.
Me: Yeah, you’re being awfully chatty this morning.
Wife: *glares*
***
Mom: “mucus plug”
Me: *exorcism-style projectile vomiting*
***
Wife: I’m so embarrassed. You guys are all dressed up and I’m in my pajamas.
Me: There is a hole somewhere on my jeans. Try to guess where.
Wife: *glares*
Me: My knee. Lighten up, they are going to strip you naked anyway.
***
*Drops wife off at the front door*
Me: See you in a couple days!
Wife: *glares*
***
*In the car at the hospital*
Me: This morning’s birth is brought to you by “NOS for Dads.”
Me: NOS for Dads — It’s time to wake up (even if you don’t want to).
***
*Mother in law calls*
Me: Hey, sorry, she already had the baby. You missed it.
Mother in law: Very funny, I’m almost there.
***
Mom: How would you describe the pain?
Wife: It’s like Husband is stabbing me in the back!
Me: Me?
***
Mother in law: *parks In front of ambulance entrance*
Hospital Security: Ma’am, you can’t park here.
Mother in law: No, it’s okay! My daughter is having a baby! *enters hospital*
***
Nurse: Who makes decisions if you cannot?
Me: Me.
Mom and Mother in law: Us!
Me: And the death panel is formed…
***
*Earlier that morning in car*
Me: I’ve got a feeling we are going to be making this trip again.
Wife: Rude.
*Hour later*
Nurse: We’re admitting you.
Wife: Now do you feel bad?
Me: Almost never.
***
*In the waiting room*
Mom: Is there anything you need us to do?
Me: Let’s take her blood pressure. Doctors LOVE to take blood pressure. It’s like their favorite thing to do.
***
Wife: The nurse is taking all my blood.
Me. Shh. That’s okay. You don’t need any.
***
Wife: Who are you texting?
Me: No one. I’m writing all this down. One day we are going to look back on this and laugh.
Wife: *glares*
***
Me: Remember when we were kids and played with water hoses? Remember how we pinched the hose to stop the flow?
*holds epidural in both hands*
Wife: Stop!
***
*Touches foot*
Me: Feel that?
Wife: Feel what?
*Holds up pocket knife*
Me: Nothing.
***
Doctor: How’s your pain?
Me: I’m fine, thank you.
Wife: *glares*
***
Wife: Bring me my pillow?
*brings over pillow and starts to put it over her face*
Me: Shh shh shh.
Wife: Stop it! I’m gonna do this to you when we get home and it won’t be a joke!
***
Wife: Stop taking pictures of me!
Mom: Just go to sleep, there’s no stopping him.
Wife: If I could get up and kick his butt, I would.
***
Me: I really wish we had a countdown clock or something. I’m getting bored.
Wife: Me too.
***

Me: Panda baby warmer? Back in my day, we used microwaves to keep kids warm.
***
Wife: I can’t feel my leg.
*Hits herself*
Wife: Is that my leg?
***

Me: If we had used one of these, we wouldn’t be here today.
***
Wife: Why are you making those faces? Stop it!
Me: If you had seen the size of that needle, you would be making faces too.
***
*Wife trying to move from one bed to the other*
Me: Would you like me to narrate?
Wife: I will hurt you.
***
*after baby is born*
Me: Aw, Wife, you’re starting to deflate.
Wife: Good!
***
Wife: He’s so solid! Brooklyn (our daughter) wasn’t this solid!
Me: Well she wasn’t liquid.
***
Me: Aww, there he is. Wow! I guess I mean “she!”
Wife: WHAT!?
***
Me: Counting fingers. One, two, three, four, five… Six!?
Wife: *glares*
***
Wife: He’s got his mommy’s nose.
Me: And his daddy’s chins.
***
Baby: *cries*
Me: *translates* Mom! It’s freezing out here! I’m going back to my room!
Wife: No, you aren’t!
***
Me: Baby, you need to eat.
Wife: I’m not eating that roast. It looks really dry. You eat it.
Me: I’ll take a bite if you promise to take a bite.
Wife: No, you eat it.
Me: No way! I’m not going to subject myself to that if you aren’t gonna eat it.
***



