Writer Hilariously Documents Child’s Birth

mlsully2002
Jul 25, 2017 · 4 min read

These are the mostly true adventures of having a second child. I was a nervous wreck for the first one, but this one I took the time to really savor the situation. I hope you enjoy.

***

(4:15 AM)

Wife: My contractions are 5–7 minutes apart.

Mom: Are you sure you’re having contractions? When I had them, I couldn’t even talk.

Me: Yeah, you’re being awfully chatty this morning.

Wife: *glares*

***

Mom: “mucus plug”

Me: *exorcism-style projectile vomiting*

***

Wife: I’m so embarrassed. You guys are all dressed up and I’m in my pajamas.

Me: There is a hole somewhere on my jeans. Try to guess where.

Wife: *glares*

Me: My knee. Lighten up, they are going to strip you naked anyway.

***

*Drops wife off at the front door*

Me: See you in a couple days!

Wife: *glares*

***

*In the car at the hospital*

Me: This morning’s birth is brought to you by “NOS for Dads.”

Me: NOS for Dads — It’s time to wake up (even if you don’t want to).

***

*Mother in law calls*

Me: Hey, sorry, she already had the baby. You missed it.

Mother in law: Very funny, I’m almost there.

***

Mom: How would you describe the pain?

Wife: It’s like Husband is stabbing me in the back!

Me: Me?

***

Mother in law: *parks In front of ambulance entrance*

Hospital Security: Ma’am, you can’t park here.

Mother in law: No, it’s okay! My daughter is having a baby! *enters hospital*

***

Nurse: Who makes decisions if you cannot?

Me: Me.

Mom and Mother in law: Us!

Me: And the death panel is formed…

***

*Earlier that morning in car*

Me: I’ve got a feeling we are going to be making this trip again.

Wife: Rude.

*Hour later*

Nurse: We’re admitting you.

Wife: Now do you feel bad?

Me: Almost never.

***

*In the waiting room*

Mom: Is there anything you need us to do?

Me: Let’s take her blood pressure. Doctors LOVE to take blood pressure. It’s like their favorite thing to do.

***

Wife: The nurse is taking all my blood.

Me. Shh. That’s okay. You don’t need any.

***

Wife: Who are you texting?

Me: No one. I’m writing all this down. One day we are going to look back on this and laugh.

Wife: *glares*

***

Me: Remember when we were kids and played with water hoses? Remember how we pinched the hose to stop the flow?

*holds epidural in both hands*

Wife: Stop!

***

*Touches foot*

Me: Feel that?

Wife: Feel what?

*Holds up pocket knife*

Me: Nothing.

***

Doctor: How’s your pain?

Me: I’m fine, thank you.

Wife: *glares*

***

Wife: Bring me my pillow?

*brings over pillow and starts to put it over her face*

Me: Shh shh shh.

Wife: Stop it! I’m gonna do this to you when we get home and it won’t be a joke!

***

Wife: Stop taking pictures of me!

Mom: Just go to sleep, there’s no stopping him.

Wife: If I could get up and kick his butt, I would.

***

Me: I really wish we had a countdown clock or something. I’m getting bored.

Wife: Me too.

***

Me: Panda baby warmer? Back in my day, we used microwaves to keep kids warm.

***

Wife: I can’t feel my leg.

*Hits herself*

Wife: Is that my leg?

***

Me: If we had used one of these, we wouldn’t be here today.

***

Wife: Why are you making those faces? Stop it!

Me: If you had seen the size of that needle, you would be making faces too.

***

*Wife trying to move from one bed to the other*

Me: Would you like me to narrate?

Wife: I will hurt you.

***

*after baby is born*

Me: Aw, Wife, you’re starting to deflate.

Wife: Good!

***

Wife: He’s so solid! Brooklyn (our daughter) wasn’t this solid!

Me: Well she wasn’t liquid.

***

Me: Aww, there he is. Wow! I guess I mean “she!”

Wife: WHAT!?

***

Me: Counting fingers. One, two, three, four, five… Six!?

Wife: *glares*

***

Wife: He’s got his mommy’s nose.

Me: And his daddy’s chins.

***

Baby: *cries*

Me: *translates* Mom! It’s freezing out here! I’m going back to my room!

Wife: No, you aren’t!

***

Me: Baby, you need to eat.

Wife: I’m not eating that roast. It looks really dry. You eat it.

Me: I’ll take a bite if you promise to take a bite.

Wife: No, you eat it.

Me: No way! I’m not going to subject myself to that if you aren’t gonna eat it.

***

Me trying to get some writing done while we wait.
Me: Why is he Asian?
Big sister looks THRILLED.

Written by

Author, Software Developer, Game Developer, and Father.

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