The A4 Waist Challenge
When challenges like the Collarbone Coin Challenge and the Belly Button Challenge come along, it’s important you drop what you’re doing immediately and make sure you can pass them. If you can’t balance a bunch of coins on your clavicle, what is the actual point of you? When the Belly Button challenge arrived, I rang my friend who’s an anaesthetist and told her to stop whatever it was she was doing and post a photo to Instagram proving she can reach her hand around her back and touch her navel. She said she was “too busy” or some shit. We’re not friends anymore.
So when I saw the A4 Waist Challenge on Twitter, I was delighted. Usually it’s really hard to quantify one’s worth. Am I better than that woman over there? Who knows? It’s really difficult to say. But here was a concrete way of proving that your life has value. Is your waist smaller than a piece of A4 paper? Yes or no? Are you an acceptable human being? Simple.
I ran out of mum’s care home and back to my flat to start taking photos. The internet needed to know about this. I found some old piece of paper reminding me to vote or something and twisted myself behind it. I’m delighted with the results. (204 likes on Facebook, 50 retweets and 158 likes on Twitter and 458 likes on Instagram.)
It was wonderful. The challenge had deemed me to be an acceptable person, not taking up too much space in the world.
But the jubilation was short lived. I folded the paper in half to put it away and wondered if I could fit behind this new A5 size. The results are horrifying. (Please, only look if you have a strong constitution.)
As you can see, I failed the challenge miserably. The sides of my body actually extended beyond the sides of the paper, thereby deeming my whole life a pathetic waste. I was naturally disgusted with myself and considered asking my mother why she even bothered having me. (I didn’t because she can’t really remember who I am anymore.)
When I folded the paper again, to A6, the outcome was even worse. It seemed that the smaller something got, the more likely it was that that thing would be smaller than my waist, thereby invalidating my whole existence.
I attempted some other challenges, with varying results. (I’m only sharing these with you so that you don’t make the same mistake I did and go around being bigger than things.)
The Challenges
I passed the Iron Waist challenge no problems.
And I comfortably fit behind this chess board.
But I didn’t fit behind this book about chess. So I suspected I might be a total failure.
This science book was quite big, though, so I managed to fit behind that. Maybe I wasn’t a terrible person after all…?
…I passed the Ironing Board Challenge with flying colours. I started to notice a correlation between the size of things and whether I fit behind them or not.
For example, this telescope was quite big, so I passed the Telescope Challenge quite easily.
But this was probably my worst failure. I couldn’t fit behind this Head Girl badge at all. Look how tiny it is! How will I ever be smaller than that?
I’m even bigger than these toy dinosaurs. LITERALLY WHAT IS THE POINT OF ME?
I felt a bit happier when I managed to fit behind this Marty McFly hat from Back to the Future part II. But I was still thinking about the Head Girl badge, to be honest.
I cheered myself up by squeezing behind my old Brownie and Girl Guide sashes. If only I hadn’t got bigger since I was seven years old. I bet I could have passed all these challenges when I was seven. I didn’t know how lucky I was. Especially after Dad left and I stopped eating. I was so bloody thin then and I didn’t appreciate it.
Then I realised something incredible. If you put something closer to the camera, it looks bigger. With my hands shaking, I took out the original piece of paper, still folded into quarters. I held it out at arms length and realised that I *could* fit behind it. My life *was* worth something. I had to be sure though. I posted the photo online and, sure enough, 318 likes on Facebook, 65 retweets and 248 likes on Twitter and 578 likes on Instagram. Solid proof that I am worth something.
So, what have I learnt? Well, I would say I’ve learnt the following…
- Things that are bigger are easier to fit behind.
- Things appear bigger the closer they are to your eyes/camera.
- I am small enough to be allowed to continue living.
UPDATE: I just found out about the iPhone 6 Knees Challenge so it turns out I might not be an acceptable size after all. Check my Instagram to see if my knees are thin enough to pass or whether I don’t deserve to be alive.
