The age you MUST stop doing things — or it becomes embarrassing

When one leaves the house these days there are so many examples of poor breeding. For example, I once saw a man on a bus.

A poll by recently asked respondents at what age they should stop, say, wearing a bikini or playing Pokemon. William Hanson of the Daily Mail then wrote a response piece where he he tightened the ages up a little more. For example, wearing trainers: the poll says 49 he says 29.

As much respect as I have for Hanson (and I have a huge amount, even though he went to the University of Manchester) I still feel that 29 is too old for training shoes. So I would revise this figure to maybe nine months? I mean, as soon as you’re actually walking you should be learning to do so in uncomfortable shoes. It’s a life lesson.

Clearly a perfect human being.

He also says an exception can be made when playing sports. Again, this is very lax. When I look at the top sports people with their trainers and shorts, running about everywhere, the first thing I think is “lazy”. The next thing I think is “common”. Some of them speak with accents for goodness sake. No, playing sport is no excuse. There’s no reason a gentleman can’t go running in a dress shoe- and for ladies, a nice court shoe. I mean I think running itself is pretty low class. People run for public transport, don’t they?

Let’s look at some others.

Bikinis. Poll says 46, Hanson says 40- adding that the stomach is an unappealing part of the body and that it’s “very unbecoming for a dame of the realm to be marauding in such a scant amount of nylon and polyester.” I mean, if those rumours are true and Mirren’s bikini was made of polyester I would suggest that is a legitimate reason to have the DBE rescinded.

Dame Helen Mirren breaking all the rules in a bikini. Photo by someone with a telephoto lens who doesn’t know her.

It’s a dame’s duty to be becoming at all times. They must become all day while they’re acting or at work or whatever, and then they must become in private and when they’re alone. A really top quality dame like Rigg or Smith will even become in their sleep. If someone with a name as common as “Maggie Smith” can manage it, surely you can, Mirren.

Regarding Hanson’s comments on bikinis, I would say that, not just the stomach, but the whole of the human body is unappealing and gets more disgusting the older we get. Wrinkles and loose flesh are deeply shameful so we should be making sure that anyone over the age of maybe 50 stays indoors- at all times.

Pokemon Go. Hanson says to stop at 18. I would say that if you’ve ever played Pokemon Go or know what it is, you should be in a young offenders’ institution.

Having long hair. The poll says 46, Hanson says 40. I would say that a man should alway have a short back and sides so he’s ready for conscription. Women should have the Dench cut when they hit the relatively elderly age of, say, 35.

Using hair product. The poll says 41, Hanson says 38, adding “Waxes and clays are fine in moderation for the under-40s. Use it beyond and you’ll be labelled a spiv and treated with social caution for sometime.” I would go further and say that if you look like you style your hair in anyway at all, or even brush it, you’ll look like costermonger, a vagabond and a villainous rough-hewn popinjay.

The important thing is that all joy ceases by around 28–29 years old. Earlier if possible. I was a very mature child and so I managed to expunge all happiness from my life by the time I was 14. And that really freed up time for looking down my nose at everyone around me and educating them on how they can be better. Like me.

That’s all for today. Until next time, good luck and for God’s sake try to drag yourselves out of the gutter.