Rebuke, Reproof, Correction and Instruction
“A spoken reprimand is better than approval that’s never expressed.”
That quote is right out of the bible. Proverbs 27:5 is pretty much talking about feedback… well good feedback. It goes on to say, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.” When I heard this, I first thought, the Lord does not mince his words with these dramatic declarations. Then I paused and thought about the difficult conversation that I had just had and how angry and frustrated I was that someone kept telling me where my mistakes and flaws were. I kept thinking about the 800 ways that they could have been gentler in their tone, their choice of words and their timing. I pretty much threw out everything I had been told and focused on the manner in which I was told. This reaction happens every time someone corrects me. I focus on the method of information sharing rather than the actual information shared. This verse kicked me straight back into reality; people who care about you, want you to grow and people who don’t, let you flourish in your ignorance.
Over the years, I have struggled with receiving feedback but above all, I have struggled to give it. Not because I don’t have anything to say but I have grown up in a society where sharing your opinions on how someone or a situation can improve is a little rude and a lot arrogant. This has led me to be very weary of feedback conversations. I often question whether I have a person’s interest at heart or if I am trying to push my agenda on how they should do life. This lack of confidence often leaves me a little insecure and questioning if I am being representative of who I want to be as a Christian. I wonder if my “feedback” is building or breaking people down. I never want to break someone but instead I want to be an encourager that gives the support and advice that allows the people around me to become better while I also strive for betterment.
So you can imagine my excitement when a friend of mine shared a sermon by Banning Liebscher where he talks about the power of Rebuke, Reproof, Correction and Instruction AKA feedback. I listened to his sermon and was amazed at how the bible serves as a practical guide on how to live your best Christian life within a working environment. I wanted to share how I hope to approach feedback conversations in the future.
When receiving feedback
- I must have a desire to grow.
“The person who loves correction loves knowledge, but anyone who hates a rebuke is stupid” Proverbs 12:1.
The only way to become better is to seek to be better. Growth only comes from listening to those around you who know much more than you do. There are certain ways of thinking and habits that we have formed throughout our lives that stop us from painting a complete picture of the world or to be more specific, the work that we are doing. Not wanting to seek growth through feedback is submitting work without having another person look at it to show you the gaps in your thinking. It’s spending hours on a task because you don’t want to admit that you don’t know what to do. These are the small everyday ways that we stop ourselves from growing within our work. God has placed people in your life who will and should challenge you; they are the foundations of your growth journey.
2. I must welcome input into my life.
“A sensible person accepts correction, but you can’t beat sense into a fool.” Proverbs 17:10
I am so good at dismissing the correction that I get from the people around me but before I dismiss it, I defend my behavior to the very end. A few weeks ago, my boyfriend told me that I need to be more open to other people’s methods of dealing with conflict. My immediate response was to list my full page manifesto on how my method may not be the only way but it is the best way. There are so many times that I am closed off to input from my colleagues because I am convinced that people need to approach me correctly. They need to have all their information correct and use the sweet gentle voice of an angel. If they don’t, I either fight them to the very last point or start crying because my confidence is shot down.
But in reality, I have to create an environment that allows people to approach me. People around me must understand that I welcome feedback and need it to grow.
3. I need to humble myself.
“Fools think their own way is right,but the wise listen to others.” Proverbs 12:15
Humility is so important. Without humility, it is almost impossible to take a step back and listen to others. When your pride rules your behavior then you are unable to understand that a junior employee can give insight to the work that you are doing and in some cases have more experience than you do. Humility is also understanding that you are imperfect and when you are aware of your flaws then you really listen to the feedback that people give you. I’ve had a feedback conversation where I was not hearing what the person was saying. Instead I let my irritation show. In these moments, I need to stop, humble myself and listen to the God in them. Hear God’s voice in the everyday conversations that I have.
When giving feedback
- I only give feedback where its invited
Do you see someone who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for them. Proverbs 29:20
Have you ever had a random colleague give you feedback and you were left with so many questions; do they have context of my work and my priorities?do I update them or my manager? There has to be a level of trust within a relationship, even a work one, for feedback to be invited. If a manager from another department gives you feedback, regardless of how kind their words are, unless there is a relationship established then the feedback may not come across as authentic or genuine. I try avoid giving people who I do not know well any feedback.
The trust that is built within a relationship comes from the concern that has been built over time.
2. I shouldn’t assume that I know what is going on
Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions. Proverbs 18:2
I am a fixer. I think that I know the issue before I have asked the appropriate questions. This comes out in the smallest behaviour within work. For example, when a colleague shares their issue, I am immediately ready with a solution and response to their behaviour without taking the time to fully understand. I can almost see the person that I am talking to pull away. They decide that they shouldn’t come to me when they need feedback because I am full of assumptions and bias.
This also works similarly when I approach someone with an attitude of attack and not inquiry. I ask questions with the answers already in my head. When giving feedback I need to start with the assumption that there is more information to be sought. The same humility that is found in receiving feedback needs to be channeled when giving feedback.
3. The relationships that I build are more than feedback conversations
Have you ever felt the fatigue that comes from receiving constant feedback on your work. Your confidence dwindles and you continue to produce sub par work because you lose your motivation. This comes from relationships that are all feedback and no love. What this highlights for me is that it is crucial to always see the full picture of someones work and value.
This also reminds me that ultimately the Rebuke, Reproof, Correction and Instruction that I give is about developing a positive healthy relationship that will thrive.
We can not be afraid of correction in our lives.
Listen to the full Banning Liebscher podcast here.
