Fragments 5: Never Have I Ever

What if? It’s a question we all ask ourselves over and over again every day. What if? What if I had worn that shirt instead of this one? What if I had gone with my gut on the exam? What if I had said hi? What if I had told him I loved him. What if I had spilled my guts to him when I had the chance all those years ago and didn’t. What if I had I hadn’t pushed him away when he shut me down. What if I had pushed just a little harder or waited just a bit longer? What if I had not been so immature?

He was nerdy with epic blue eyes. He saw me. I needed him. More than I’d ever needed anyone. Moving around a lot takes a toll on a young fifteen-year-old. Made me feel lost, abandoned, alone. He never made me feel alone. He seemed to get me. He let me know that I had a friend in the world. Because that’s all we were. Friends. I didn’t know how to talk to guys. But he was easy. Politics were fun. It was something comfortable. Something real. Something that would have lasted, unfortunately, I’m not exactly what one would call good with commitment. I fall in love fast. I fall out of love just as fast. Until those certain special ones come along. Those it doesn’t matter how many years pass and how many others come and go, they are always there. I fall hard. I realized too late he was one of them. When I didn’t get exactly what I wanted right there and then I blew it up. I tend to do that. It ripped my heart out. I never got that piece of me back. I never will.

I was immature. I pushed him away, I walked away from what could have been either the…