Seriously, who are you?
We’ve all heard jokes about “turning into our parents.” It’s a humorous device we use to pay loving homage to the flaws and foibles of our mothers and fathers, even as we notice similar traits developing within ourselves. But that’s not exactly what’s happening to you, is it? No, what’s happening to you is way more fucked up. Are you actually, literally becoming your father, Jerry Lawrence Walker? That’s like, some Twilight Zone shit. Here are 7 signs you might be him already:
1. You spent 15 minutes staring at a framed photo of your father before realizing it was a mirror.
Whoa, that’s messed up! I don’t know, man, it seems like you might be your father. But…
If it’s a humor listicle, you’d better get to the joke by item 4.
1. You’re sick of adding items.
This usually happens at the end of writing a listicle. If you’re bored with the topic by now, chances are your readers will be, too.
2. You’re getting “scroll fatigue.”
If you are getting tired of scrolling through your own listicle while writing it, why should you expect any differently from your audience?
3. Your typical audience has a very short attention span.
If you know your readers can’t focus on anything for more than 20 seconds, you should probably only have three items in your listicle. Any more than that and you’re just wasting your time.
4. You’re making the listicle as a joke (jokesticle), and it’s taking too long to get to the punchline.
If your listicle is satirical, this is a big one. …
Humans 1, technology 0.
When our shift supervisor Craig told the whole department that our lawnmower assembly line jobs were being eliminated, I was pretty pissed off. Then he told us why — we were being replaced by robots. People who know Steve know there’s two things Steve can’t stand: people who talk about themselves in the third person, and robots. So I, Steve, decided I wasn’t going to take the news lying down.
I don’t know a whole lot about technology or the economy. I’ve seen headlines on Facebook about robots stealing jobs, stagnant wages, disappearing benefits, and the impotent rage of the…
By the time our son was nine years old, he was already reading at a third-grade level. His comprehension of math, science, and social studies were also remarkably age-appropriate. I’ve read that having a high-achieving child can be an overwhelming experience. And some kids, let’s face it, are downright underwhelming. It is a special feeling to have so many other parents tell us how whelmed they are by our regular son. Sometimes when we look at him, we even find ourselves a little whelmed.
From the minute he was born, my wife and I knew our son was destined for…
Are those yaks OK?
“Fancy” Nancy Haskins
Wabash County, IL
★★☆☆☆
I took my grandkids to this new zoo, Twilight Hours Animal Park in Wabash County, and we were pretty confused and saddened by what we saw. Lethargic, pallid, skeletal — all these words describe animals we encountered. Extremely affordable.
Carlos Vasquez, DVM
Indianapolis, IN
★☆☆☆☆
I’m a veterinarian. I visited Twilight Hours with my family, and I must say I was concerned. We witnessed the penguins being fed, but they all just laid there moaning. I made eye contact with a yak that appeared to be suffering from end-stage renal failure. Modern, clean…
A video message from CEO Jack Pullman.
Hello, valued customers. I’m Vroom CEO Jack Pullman.
By now many of you have seen news items about security issues with video-conferencing apps. As your video meeting partner of choice, we wish to assure you that our security protocols are robust, and we are constantly updating them. However, there is another matter that we feel we must acknowledge: it has recently come to my attention that many of our employees, myself included, have been spying on your meetings and, regrettably, masturbating.
You have placed your trust in our hands, and we, in turn, have used those same hands to pleasure…
I have struggled with weight and body image issues all my life. Many of my issues have been fueled by the people around me, whether intentionally or not. Three years ago, I decided to embark on a journey to self-respect, hoping others would eventually respect me as well. This journey involved losing zero pounds and replacing the shitty people in my life with better ones.
When I look back at myself zero pounds ago, I see a sad, overweight person. Today, I am a strong, confident person who weighs exactly the same amount. How did I get here?
I started…
I don’t care if you’re five years old.
Son, come in here and sit down. Daddy needs to talk to you. Put down your iPad.
Do you know what plagiarism is? No, it’s not a dinosaur. Good guess, though. It means copying. It’s a very serious ethics violation and in some cases, punishable in civil court. Do you know what that means?
Of course you don’t. You’re only five years old.
Anyway, I was listening to that song you were playing on YouTube just now. Yeah, the dump truck song. Catchy little ditty, no? …
Just trying to do my part to help with the ongoing shortage of delicious blood.
Thank you for being so kind to me as you prepare to draw my blood, nurse. I was treated with a great deal of suspicion upon my arrival. Yes, I understand that it may seem strange for… someone like me to want to donate blood. I know there are a lot of rumors going around about who — or what — I am, but you see, I am just a community-minded person who wants to do his part to help with the ongoing shortage of precious blood. Precious, delicious blood…
I’m sorry, I became distracted by a scent I detected…
