High school Class Clown runner-up, 1997. Still salty about it.

If it’s a humor listicle, you’d better get to the joke by item 4.

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1. You’re sick of adding items.

This usually happens at the end of writing a listicle. If you’re bored with the topic by now, chances are your readers will be, too.

2. You’re getting “scroll fatigue.”

If you are getting tired of scrolling through your own listicle while writing it, why should you expect any differently from your audience?

3. Your typical audience has a very short attention span.

If you know your readers can’t focus on anything for more than 20 seconds, you should probably only have three items in your listicle. Any more than that and you’re just wasting your time.

4. You’re making the listicle as a joke (jokesticle), and it’s taking too long to get to the punchline.

If your listicle is satirical, this is a big one. …


Humans 1, technology 0.

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When our shift supervisor Craig told the whole department that our lawnmower assembly line jobs were being eliminated, I was pretty pissed off. Then he told us why — we were being replaced by robots. People who know Steve know there’s two things Steve can’t stand: people who talk about themselves in the third person, and robots. So I, Steve, decided I wasn’t going to take the news lying down.

I don’t know a whole lot about technology or the economy. I’ve seen headlines on Facebook about robots stealing jobs, stagnant wages, disappearing benefits, and the impotent rage of the working class directed at those we perceive as responsible for the decline of the American manufacturing sector, and all that shit. …


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By the time our son was nine years old, he was already reading at a third-grade level. His comprehension of math, science, and social studies were also remarkably age-appropriate. I’ve read that having a high-achieving child can be an overwhelming experience. And some kids, let’s face it, are downright underwhelming. It is a special feeling to have so many other parents tell us how whelmed they are by our regular son. Sometimes when we look at him, we even find ourselves a little whelmed.

From the minute he was born, my wife and I knew our son was destined for middle-of-the-roadness. He was in exactly the 50th percentile for height, weight, and head size throughout his infancy and toddler-hood. He started walking at 12 months, which is par for the course. By 21 months, he was forming short sentences, astounding onlookers with his exquisite developmental timing. Just for perspective, most kids hit those milestones either before or after the charts say they should. His pediatrician has told us numerous times that she has never before seen such a typical child. By the time he reached kindergarten, our son was head and shoulders above his classmates in terms of regularness. …


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I have struggled with weight and body image issues all my life. Many of my issues have been fueled by the people around me, whether intentionally or not. Three years ago, I decided to embark on a journey to self-respect, hoping others would eventually respect me as well. This journey involved losing zero pounds and replacing the shitty people in my life with better ones.

When I look back at myself zero pounds ago, I see a sad, overweight person. Today, I am a strong, confident person who weighs exactly the same amount. How did I get here?

I started by deciding to go to the gym six days a week, then realizing that would be a huge waste of time. Instead, I started volunteering at the local food bank, filling orders in the warehouse for organizations that provide direct assistance to needy families. I met a lot of great supportive people, and lost three pounds from doing all that physical labor. Then I gained it back by eating foods that I enjoy with my awesome new friends. It was a real win-win! …


I don’t care if you’re five years old.

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Son, come in here and sit down. Daddy needs to talk to you. Put down your iPad.

Do you know what plagiarism is? No, it’s not a dinosaur. Good guess, though. It means copying. It’s a very serious ethics violation and in some cases, punishable in civil court. Do you know what that means?

Of course you don’t. You’re only five years old.

Anyway, I was listening to that song you were playing on YouTube just now. Yeah, the dump truck song. Catchy little ditty, no? …


Just trying to do my part to help with the ongoing shortage of delicious blood.

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Thank you for being so kind to me as you prepare to draw my blood, nurse. I was treated with a great deal of suspicion upon my arrival. Yes, I understand that it may seem strange for… someone like me to want to donate blood. I know there are a lot of rumors going around about who — or what — I am, but you see, I am just a community-minded person who wants to do his part to help with the ongoing shortage of precious blood. Precious, delicious blood…

I’m sorry, I became distracted by a scent I detected. Anyway, my neighbor, Frank, was in a serious accident last week with a table saw and lost a lot of blood. Luckily, I was there to find him and summon an ambulance. He needed several transfusions to stay alive, the poor man. Like a good neighbor, I stayed in his garage and cleaned up the mess while he was recovering. The whole experience made me realize just how valuable human life is, so here I am! …


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  1. Man, I love shopping at Kohl’s on a Saturday morning. Is that Dr. DiFazio over there? I should go say hi.

2. Wait, did he just say he works here on weekends? What? Why?

3. Maybe I’ve overestimated how much money a cardiologist makes. This guy is literally a heart surgeon. What’s going on here? Do they pay him in Kohl’s cash?

4. Maybe I heard him wrong. But — he’s wearing a Kohl’s name tag with his name on it: Tom D. As in Dr. Tom DiFazio, cardiologist. …


The last will and testament of Wayne Jenkins

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I, Wayne Jenkins, being of sound mind and Dad body, do hereby give you guys the following instructions in the event I am killed trying to retain the title of Hot Wing Eating Champion of Wabash County, Illinois.

First of all, no crying and blubbering and poetry and shit. For you guys will know I will have died doing what I love, and that’s throwin’ down dozens of spicy hot wings in front of a roaring crowd at Dilly’s Bar and Grilly. Weep not for me, friends! …


I am the master of pulling off pranks and avoiding prosecution!

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1. The small fire in the storage closet

This was a beauty. I don’t want to give away too much, but let’s just say I shoved some rags in a bucket, squirted accelerant on it, and tossed in a match. The fire inspector was all, “This was clearly set intentionally,” and it was all I could do to keep from laughing. Denise, our boss, had her suspicions, but the Crown Prince of Prank never loses his cool. I pretended I had no idea what was going on, but suggested it may have been the Hispanic-looking janitor guy who started the fire. Hilarious!

2. The eye drops in the coffee

Can you say cuh-lass-ic? I heard that you can make people shit their brains out by putting eye drops in their drinks. Unfortunately, the lead detective on the case said you can also kill someone that way. Of course, I denied any knowledge and suggested that maybe it was Doug, the weird guy who processes payroll, who put the Visine in the Keurig machine. I totally managed to get Karen before law enforcement got involved. You should have seen her face! She was out of work for, like, three days with severe dehydration and diarrhea. …

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