Mama said there’d be days like this
But Mama didn’t know Mad King Donald
By Michael McCord
After almost three years of perpetual lunacy, corruption and chaos from Mad King Donald, you would think folks would be used to days like yesterday, Thursday, March 22.
After all, most sane Americans have become accustomed to frequent daily bouts of Trump-induced Cognitive Dissonance (TCD). Studies show that TCD recovery for many happens by the time the Last Word with Lawrence O’Donnell on MSNBC finishes around 11 p.m. EST. The TCD cycle begins anew the next morning when folks check their Twitter feeds to find out if WW III has begun — or if Mad King Donald has privatized the Defense Department and turned it over to Erik Prince and Betsy DeVos.
But some days in Trumpistan are more consequential than others. With multiple news reports scaring the hell out of most sane Americans by portraying Mad King Donald as freed from the chains of decency, sanity and competence (aka Trump Emboldened 2.0), yesterday unfolded like a trip down the booby-trapped rabbit hole with Freedonia President Rufus T. Firefly leading the way.
In no particular order of destructive importance, game show host Mad King Donald unleashed the following surprises yesterday behind:
Door #1 — The long-awaited abduction of National Security Advisor H. R. McMaster by the Fox News Foreign Policy Lunatic Front (aka John Bolton) happened. Many sane Americans wonder if the countdown to the end of the world has begun while others took the cheerful opportunity to remind New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd of her impressive April 2016 foresight (Headline: “Donald the Dove, Hillary the Hawk”).
Door #2 — Mad King Donald pushed overboard his one semi-logical, semi-legal minded Russia investigation lawyer (aka John Dowd). The Joe (diGenova) & Vicki (Toensling) Show from the Fox News Conspiracy Desk will fill the void. Expect the WITCH HUNT!! chorus to escalate with Fox & Friends reporting that Robert Mueller is a satanic cult leader and Sean Hannity claiming that Hillary poisoned him with a dose of Uranium One.
Door #3 — There has been so much winning on the #MAGA Great Tariff Trade War front that it only seems logical for Mad King Donald to bully China (which owns a few trillion dollars or so of U. S. Treasury debt) with tariffs of their own. Reports say that Trump misread the DO NOT ENACT TARIFFS WITH CHINA BECAUSE WE WILL LOSE BIGLY AND LIKELY START A GLOBAL RECESSION index card for the day. Global financial markets will react with an endless replay of Helter Skelter by The Beatles (“When I get to the bottom I go back to the top of the slide/Where I stop and I turn and I go for a ride/yeah, yeah, yeah…”)
Door #4 —Given the many predicable practices in Trumpistan, it’s a fair assumption that Mad King Donald opened Doors 1–3 to distract us from former Playmate model Karen McDougal spilling the beans on CNN prime time about an affair with Trump in 2006. He tried to pay for sex (hurt her feelings) and said McDougal was as beautiful as his own daughter Ivanka (gag reflex).
It’s also a fair assumption that NO COLLUSION! Mad King Donald wanted to distract sane Americans from the Daily Beast report that DNC hacker Guccifer 2.0 was a 400-pound, sitting-on-a-bed Russian military intelligence officer. Or it weakens Fake News media scrutiny about Jared “In the Saudi pocket” Kushner or Ivanka “Hey, I’m the Secretary of State while launching a new clothing line” Trump.
Coming up for the weekend: presidential veto threats* (update: nope); the nerve-wracking Friday Night News Dump (“Scott Pruitt talks with Jesus about the Biblical joys of environmental catastrophe”); the March for Our Lives on Saturday in which millions & millions will protest against Trump, the NRA, Putin, John Bolton, cowardly members of Congress and Ben Carson’s wife; and on Sunday night, adult film star Stormy Daniels will be on 60 Minutes to spill the beans about her 2006 affair with Trump complete with measurement charts and preferred spanking techniques. This raises the vital question: What the hell was going on in 2006?
London bookmakers have already given 3 to 1 odds that Mad King Donald will declare martial law in the next 48 hours as a top distraction ploy.
It’s hard to believe we survived eight years of No-Drama Obama.
Michael McCord is the author of the Real America political satires The Execution Channel: A Political Fable and the forthcoming sequel End Times: More Great Adventures in Real America. @mmgolfer & michaelmccordauthor.com
