I have been in some sort of relationship with a love avoidant. We’ve met three years ago and I finally came to visit him in Berlin and stayed in his apartment for two weeks. I didn’t know the term “love avoidant” back then, therefore it was really difficult for me to understand what he wanted and how he felt.
We talked multiple times, deep conversations about ourselves and our pasts, and we eventually talked about our feelings. He told me I needed to take care of myself, otherwise he would feel pressured and he didn’t need any more drama in his life. I said I could try my best to improve myself for him, but he said he didn’t trust me to take care of myself nor to take care of him. I felt excruciated. All I wanted was to love and care for him, but apparently I couldn’t. And when I told him about how I felt he just stood there silent, and in the end he said “I’m sorry I can’t give you what you want”.
The next day we talked again, he said he would like to meet my expectations but still didn’t trust me, again I said I could change but he didn’t want me to. It was extremely confusing for me, because it seemed as he liked me but was afraid.
I asked if I could kiss him. He said it wasn’t a good idea, but after a long and dramatic conversation we started kissing, very innocently and slowly. Until he allowed himself to feel and to be driven by the situation. He was on the floor, me on top of him, and I could see in his eyes how much desire he had been holding for such a long time… we belonged to each other in that moment, entirely. I was his, and he was mine.
I was so pleased I could make him feel good and excited, all I wanted was to please him. But there was no sex, no love making, or whatever you want to call. He stopped himself because then again, it wasn’t a good idea. What was he afraid of? Falling in love and then having to let me go? Or just falling in love? Was he afraid that I would hurt him? I wouldn’t, I could never hurt the man I have always loved.
I decided to leave him alone, and so I left the apartment, the night before my departure I cried uncontrollably and he saw. And he didn’t even hug me, he just tried to convince me everything was fine and that I hadn’t worried him. But I had said I wouldn't be his burden, I wouldn’t be another drama in his life and yet there I was, crying myself out in front of him. All I could do was apologise for everything, and so he left. Said he was going to meet a friend. He didn’t look very well. When he arrived home I wasn’t there anymore, I couldn’t. I left and I left for good.
I miss him as hell and it is consuming me that I couldn’t do my best to the person I love simply because I didn’t know him enough. It hurts and I still adore him. But now I understand him, and that’s a good start.