Life-Saving, Job-Saving Communication Framework: ASAP + Agree

As I shared yesterday, I have been intensely obsessed with effective communciation. I have studied all models that I’ve come across and eagerly consumed workshops, trainings, books, articles and more. I also have been a student of communication by noticing what feels good (on the recieving end), what sounds good (when I’m around others) and what lands well (when I am speaking). After all of this I have come up with a formula that, in my experience solves a high percentage of communication issues in ALL contexts. I know that is a bold statement. I have been teaching this to clients since 2014 and the results are astonishing.

Here is an overview followed by a more detailed explination of this framework.

ASAP + Agree

A = Appreciate/Acknowledge [Lead with something you genuinely value, respect or appreciate.]

S = Share [Get off your chest what you need the other person to understand. Be honest, get vulnerable, take responsibility for your part, share what you most want and what’s frustrating or exciting.]

A = Ask [What do you most want to know/understand? Ask a question or make a specific and clear request.]

P = Pause [Once you have said your peace, pause to focus on listening…REALLY listening.]

• Circle back through ASAP as many times as necessary until you are ready to close. [Hint, the second time around “What I hear you saying is….”]

+ Agree [Make sure not to leave any important conversation before there is a clear agreement about next steps or what will be different as a result of the conversation (sometimes this is as general as ‘we will both try to do better next time’)]

1. ACKNOWLEDGE

Acknowledgement and appreciation can be expressed verbally and non-verbally. I ALWAYS recommend leading with appreciation.

Examples of non-verbal appreciation include a smile, making eye contact, opening a door, extending any type of kind gesture. Examples of verbal appreciation include:

— “I have noticed how much work you have been putting into this.”
— “I know you are short on time, so let me make this quick.” [Acknowledging what is happening for the other person is a form of appreciation]
— “I appreciate how communicative you have been.”
— “Thank you for agreeing to see me.”
— “I know how important it is to you to do a good job.”
— “You look beautiful today.” [if you are talking to a friend, spouse or family member]
— “I love you.” [remember to always follow this with AND, never say “I love you BUT…”]
— “What I hear you saying is…[paraphrase or parrot back what you’ve heard]”

The key is to make it authentic and relevant. If you are going to have a challenging conversation with a colleague about lack of performance you may something like “I appreciate how much work you have been putting in. I do want to make sure your efforts are effective and that you are set up for success.” When I am feeling frustrated or angry my comment is usually something like “I want to be honest with you and get right to the point.” Not beating around the bush is a sign of respect (and therefore appreciation).

When you think of this part of your communication, remember your audience and be creative with how you can express respect your gratitude. Your aim is to celebrate or acknowledge in a way that is appropriate to the situation.

2. SHARE

After leading with appreciation it is time for you to share. It is NOT time to ask a question or check in with the other person, that will come. I am mentioning that because it is a common phenomenon that dilutes a powerful message, unnecessarily draws out a conversation and sometimes creates a tangent you cannot recover from.

In this stage of the communication your goal is to be open, honest and vulnerable. Let me clarify. To be vulnerable it is not necessary to talk about touchy feely things. Instead you simply need to drop into a level of authenticity that allows the core of your message to be clearly communicated. At work being vulnerable may be saying something like:

— “This is frustrating for me.”
— “I wish we did not have to have this conversation.”
— “I am not sure how to solve this issue so I want to talk it through with you.”
— “As a new leader here I do not have all of the background information. I do not want to interrupt a process unless I have something essential to add.”
— “It is important to me to have a solution in place before the next board meeting.”
— “We are not on track to hit our goal and I want to find a way to get back on track.”

When talking with a friend, spouse or family member, vulnerability may have more heart to it. You could say something along the lines of these examples.

— “I am feeling tired so this may not come out as clearly as it would otherwise.”
— “I would like to pretend there is nothing wrong but I think that could cause more harm than good in the long-run and I don’t want that to happen.”

You will know you are ready to move onto the next step when you have shared the “meat” of what you want to get across. My cue that I have shared the most important information is that the other person is getting ready to respond. Especially during this step it is helpful to keep in mind your style of communication.

We all have a tendency to either UNDER communicate or OVER communicate. You likely know which category you fall into. It is possible to be an under-communicator with your loved ones and an over-communicator at work. Whatever your pattern is, I suggest using this technique: do the opposite! For those who under-share, it truly does not matter what you end up saying as long as you are saying something (hopefully it is something about yourself rather than a blame statement, more about this in a moment). If you over-communicate, focus on streamlining your thoughts to ensure your message is not getting lost in the context, examples and evidence you are ready to provide.

As I said, once you have lead with appreciation and shared the “meat” of your message, whomever you are speaking with is likely getting ready to respond. There is one more step before you hand the invisible talking stick over.

3. ASK

What is your goal or intention? This is the point in the conversation that I encourage you to make that explicit. Do you want to have a dialog? Is there a specific action item you are asking for someone to complete?

Another common pitfall in communication is for someone to share a concern and stop there, without being clear about what the preferred change or action will be. This is where assumptions truly get us in trouble. Take assumptions out of the equation. Be direct — what are you asking for?

Examples include:
— Can we schedule a time to discuss this further?
— Can you spend the next 15 minutes brainstorming with me?
— Is there anything you need from me in order to get the reports done by Friday?
— Are you getting the emails I have sent you about this?
— Can I count on you to get this done?
— Can you loan me $1000 for one month? I would write up a loan agreement and pay you back by the end of next month.
— Can you pass me the salt?

The facial expressions of whomever you are talking to is the best way to know if you have been clear. If so, it is time to move onto the next step.

4. PAUSE

This step is called PAUSE because you really want to shift roles from being the speaker to being the listener. There is nothing to do here other than to pause the storyline in your head and focus on understanding what the response it. The goal here is for the person/people you are communicating with to feel HEARD.

In many cases you will need to listen for something between or underneath the words. No one expects you to read minds. I do hope that, over time, improve your listening skills to be able to identify what someone WANTS to say directly, even if it is not coming out clearly. I believe the true effectiveness of any leader can be measured by his/her listening skills. This formula asks you to take responsibility for making your communication as effective as possible.

You may need to cycle back through steps 1–4 a few times. You will know it is time to move onto the last step when you have gotten your point across and you know where the other person stands.

5. AGREE

All too often we stop a conversation before the most important step. Agreement. If we do not walk away with clarity about what will happen now or what will be different, it is quite possible that everything we have just gone through will have been a waste of time (arguably our most valuable resource).

Be sure not to walk away until there is clear agreement between everyone. When dealing with a business arrangement I suggest also following up summarizing the key takeaways in writing- Slack, email, IM, Asana, OneNote, Evernote — whatever system you have in place for capturing information so it can be referenced moving forward.