Adjustment Disorder for people like me
On paper, the technical term is PTSD but out of respect for the men and women who have served in the military I won’t call what I have PTSD. What I have is an incredibly minuscule version of PTSD, it is nothing compared to what the military and especially combat veterans have experienced. But in the end it is my problem and it is still something I have to go through.
I graduated from University around 3 years ago, I left the life of a student behind me with a new enthusiasm to better myself in the work place and of course to earn money. I did spend a few weeks messing around doing nothing but playing video games but ultimately I just wanted to work so I could as my brain put it “Get back to the fight”.
The life of dull workouts and late nights spent playing video games had a charm on its own but I wasn’t one to enjoy life by sitting down. It was a side effect from being a varsity player, a former athlete in college. Playing for the University has somewhat left me with this burning desire to keep fighting for something. I found it odd that some of my friends had practically no motivation to find work, I found it odd that people were capable of being content in their lives simply because they were “chill” so to speak, with nothing to fight and grind for. To me it was just so wrong. I needed to fight, whether it be for myself or my work, I would make it my purpose. During this time, I would recall my last semester in the University, where I was released from my contract as a Varsity Athlete when I could finally live the life of a regular student. No more waking up at the crack of dawn to get my back broken in a hundred different ways, no more freak injuries making me question my loyalty to the sport. I would have none of that, I could live the life of a regular student. Go to class, chill, study, sleep and repeat.
And when I finally got to what I wanted, it felt so hollow. The sound of my peers complaining about their exams, social lives and other things the regular student went through irritated me to no end. I could not believe I envied them for the ease of their lives. I thanked God for throwing me into the life of a varsity athlete, it kept me disciplined, it kept me alert, it forced me to set priorities. If I was just like any other student in my University, who was smart enough to pass the entrance exam instead of the painfully average guy who was stubborn enough to survive Judo, I would have failed my college education. So I yearned for work, I yearned for a new fight and I thought it was gonna be the answer.
That all changed when I got my first job.
I won’t go into details but, I didn’t really like my first job. I endured it for 8 months cause they offered a relatively higher pay than the rest. Of course I thought I’d find my new home here, a new fight. I didn’t.
Eventually I quit, got another job all while trying to run a startup consulting firm with my friends. I thought I’d find a new home, a new purpose in either job. Well, I didn’t.
So I went full time with my consulting firm, running things with friends, building a small company. Honestly, I thought I’d find my new fight here. For awhile I thought I did, but long story short I didn’t. Truth be told I was loyal to the company, to the firm. It was my life. But I needed something more.
Wasn’t until when I decided to continue my writing that I began to piece this bizarre void I had in my life. You see I’ve been writing a book, that I conceptualized back in 2013. It was about a group of mercenaries who had a strong sense of professionalism but were struggling with the ethical ramifications of the nature of their work. A foreboding theme is that the mercenaries being veterans of a great war, felt that there was no world for them outside of the battlefield and only put up with the quandaries of their work because they felt it was all they could do. Delving further into research I watched a series of Ted Talks by the war journalist Sebastian Junger, one of the men who filmed the Afghanistan War documentary Restrepo. Junger who had spent a year with an airborne battle company in Afghanistan provided a rather eye opening viewpoint on PTSD. He says that one of the hardest things veterans experience is losing the element of a team. A soldier in a platoon runs a very difficult life, but ultimately they know exactly what their role in the platoon is and that if they fail to function within that role, they know that there are consequences that affect the entire team. As Junger puts it, it’s hard but simple. And when they leave the military, they begin to experience a world that is self centered, egotistic and ultimately shallow. Their world now is easier, maybe a bit more complicated, but they’re no longer in a warzone.
I won’t say what I’m going through is the same as a Combat Veteran’s experience. But in a way I understand them. Because in my case, I missed my days as a varsity athlete. I miss waking up at the crack of dawn to rush to training, the rush of blood that went through my head during the warm up, the small scars I would get in my fingers from grappling with others and ultimately I missed being part of a team. I missed knowing what my role was, and knowing exactly what would happen if I failed in that role. It’s strange really, I never was the best. I had only two medals, I broke my arm, tore my left shoulder, both knees have some sort of tear and even to this day I walk around knowing I’ll one day need to get surgery for the injuries I accumulated in the past. I hated what my varsity life left me with, I hated the scars, the inadequacy I felt when I couldn’t win, I hated my injuries and most of all I hated myself for not doing better. But I also miss all of it. I miss being part of a team, I miss knowing what my role was, I miss having to fight for something.
I tried to find that in my startup consulting firm, in a way I did. I started talking to a fellow former varsity athlete, I found purpose in leading teams of fresh grads in research projects. I enjoyed the flow of business and the grinding progression. But my business partner and friend decided to high tail and steal all the money. That’s another story.
I didn’t take it well. Just when I was coming to terms with the foreboding void I carried, my life had to reset.
So the void once more returned, pestering me to chase the fight once more.
But then, that’s not what life is about. It’s not about defeating the void, it’s about doing what’s best for you and working with what you have. After some 3 months I finally got a new job, it’s nothing like my old one, I can say it’s relatively laid back and it’s not gonna fill the void. But it’s what I have, it’s what’s I can hold. Truth be told I’m playing to hopefully become a Professional gamer for Overwatch once its Professional League comes up, hopefully I’ll find another fight in there, a fight I’d love to be passionate about.
I guess a quarter life crisis does that to you, makes you consider things you’ve never considered before.
I hope to one day find my fight in the Overwatch League, but better yet find my fight in whatever is in front of me and anything I am responsible for. Cause, Life goes on right?
