Category: Why People Put Up With Shit
In a nutshell, because at one time, beggars couldn’t be choosy.
Let me explain.
Why do people put up with shit? Why do they put up with betrayal, being treated poorly, being neglected, controlled, taken advantage of?
Because they have needs, and in order for those need to be met by their sustained environment The sustained environment includes:
- The people in their lives
- The situations in their lives
- Their perceived available resources
- Their support system or lack of
If your sustained environment is that you have been treated poorly by family, were attracted to only or mostly, dysfunctional friends (and the functional ones have boundaries), and you choose to live with a man who controls you but is pretty much what keeps a roof over your head and food in your stomach, AND he is a controlling moron, you probably are going to put up with his shit.
If you are in a company that you want to move up in or you know a lateral move will be less money, and you are working to pay bills, if your wife is enjoying her lifestyle (or you feel responsible to provide a lifestyle) and you have four kids all in private school because that’s what your circle does or, what you perceive is best.. you are more likely to take shit from your boss or your employees.
If you are stuck at a dead end job and your employees shit on you left and right, never coming in to work, and you end up covering for them, but your lack of management skills (or hiring skills) would get you in trouble, demoted or fired if you complained, you are more likely to continue being shit on by your employees and be overworked.
You get the idea.
Why does this happen?
People are born (back to the first sentence) with needs and whomever was there, was the person who filled those needs. We are born to form attachments to the person or people who serve our needs.
As we grow, we learn to have standards and boundaries, if we have had a healthy environment.
If we do not, we attach to anyone who will cross a boundary and mirror the lack of health we had growing up, unless we make a very pointed effort at getting help.
Self-help often doesn’t work well here, because we are more than knee deep in shit, and our entire landscape is shit, so we can’t compare/contrast health vs dis-ease of life.
The only time we notice “bad shit” is when we see something worse than what we have. Or we know that the behaviors of others bother us, but we still stay connected to them.
I have worked with people who have been abused, are in highly dysfunctional relationships who continue those relationships fully knowing that they are almost always, negative outcome.
Why? Because of our infancy days… the days where if were in a faulty environment that just barely met our needs, we accepted. For instance, we may have cried and mom yelled at us if we “making noise” and did feed us but did so with a passive aggression that emotionally, made us feel less than. She acted controlling and distance.
Fast forward to your present day. You may not have memories of that, but have memories of mom being a negative, and now you find yourself with a spouse who helps you financially, and you may even go out to eat and on little dates of sort. On the surface, it looks fantastic.
Under it, it’s a distant,cold, controlling, roller coaster relationship.
Because.. it’s actually your subconscious comfort zone.
How to get rid of the shit
- To stop these outcomes, you have to start with you.
- Change your sustained environment a little at a time.
- Slowly distance from toxic people but also replace them with functional people.
- Replace toxic environments but replace them with functional environments.
Obviously, this is a synopsis only, but at least gives you a springboard for what you already knew.. you need change.
Like yourself enough to care that you are treated well, as is your human right.
Slowly, you will get used to having your needs met with an outcome that is positive and serves you purpose. You’ll begin to trust more. You’ll enjoy life more. You will heal.
You may need help (a therapist) to help you, but it can be a possibility for you to stop being treated poorly.
It is better to leave a relationship or a job, and be scared shitless; because shitless is the goal.. without the shit.
Originally published at www.michelepaiva.com.