Conditional Self-Acceptance

Baby steps to growing without beating yourself up.

Marty Nemko
Nov 2 · 3 min read

Some psychotherapists and motivational speakers urge unconditional self-acceptance: that we and perhaps our long-term romantic partner are wise to believe we are worthy merely because we exist.

But might a wiser goal may be conditional self-acceptance? Sure, our physiology may make it impossible for a person with depression to become preternaturally ebullient or a laconic person to become a dynamo. But generally, should we aim for unconditional self-acceptance? As a hothead? Impulsive? Lazy? Cold? Tending to choose expedience over ethics?

We’re wiser to aim for conditional self-acceptance: to accept only the parts of ourselves that are unchangeable or where change efforts are unlikely to yield sufficient improvement, but work to improve more malleable characteristics. Let’s take the aforementioned examples.

Anger-proneness. Yes, many hotheads are genetically predisposed to losing their temper, perhaps because they secrete a lot of adrenaline in response to stress. You’re unlikely to change what your adrenal gland does. But it is realistic for hotheads to put themselves in situations less likely to trigger a loss of temper. Perhaps that’s a workplace with highly competent coworkers. Or a relaxed, slow-to-anger romantic partner and platonic friends. Also, when feeling anger rise, it can help to take a deep breath and/or excuse yourself to “use the restroom.”

Impulsivity. There’s good evidence that impulsivity has a genetic component. That puts a person at risk of overeating, substance abuse, and dangerous behaviors, from gambling to reckless driving to shopaholism. It can help to keep tempting foods and mind-altering substances out of the house, and realizing that you must stay away from casinos and shopping sites.

Laziness. Oxford University research found a genetic link to laziness. If you think of yourself as lazy or others have accused you of sloth, shouldn’t you take extra measures to get the exercise everyone says is crucial to good health? Perhaps ritualize doing exercise before you allow yourself to have dinner, or schedule a daily hike with a friend. At work, use time-management tools such as the Pomodoro Technique (Work 25 minutes, break 5, repeat that three times then take a longer break) and the few-second-part and one-minute struggle tactics to manage procrastination.

Cold personality: no one knows what you’re feeling. Should you not try doables like, as appropriate, sharing what you’re feeling? Asking people about themselves? Reacting to what people are saying? Even giving caring touches: You’ll appear warmer by putting a one-second empathic hand on the person’s forearm or helping him or her put on their jacket

You tend to choose expedience over ethics, for example, lie or deceive to get what you want. Is it not worth staying vigilant to those moments of truth when you’re tempted to be unethical? Or to try some of the other tactics in Baby Steps Toward Living Your Principles?

Of course, defying one’s predispositions is far from easy, but genetics and early experiences only predispose, not preordain. It would be unduly fatalistic to assume you’re a slave to your genes. Relatively little is that immutable. Key to striking the balance between realistically accepting one’s core limitations and being on an endless treadmill of personality-transplanting self-reinvention is conditional self-acceptance.

I read this aloud on YouTube.

Career and personal advisor Dr. Marty Nemko’s 12 books including The Best of Marty Nemko (3rd edition) are available.

Marty Nemko

Written by

UC Berkeley Ph.D, specialist in career and education issues.

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