Woody Allen One-Liners

These Woody Allen quotes are from the Yale Book of Quotations.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said “no.”

I hate the beach. I hate the sun. I’m pale and I’m redheaded. I don’t tan — I stroke.

I was so touched by her that after 15 minutes, I wanted to marry her and, after a half hour, I completely gave up the idea of snatching her purse.

Sex and death — Two things that come once in a lifetime. But at least after death, you’re not nauseous.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.

If it turns out there’s a God, I don’t think he’s evil. The worst you can say about him is that he’s an underachiever.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Why does a man kill? Hie kills for food and not only food. Frequently there must be a beverage.

Life is full of loneliness, suffering, and unhappiness, and it’s all over much too quickly.

On Los Angeles: I don’t want to live in a city where the only cultural advantage is that you can make a right turn on a red light.

Some guy hit my fender and I said unto him, “Be fruitful and multiply.” But not in those words.

I would have killed myself but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss.

Hey, don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.

The most beautiful words in the English language are not, “I love you.” They’re, “It’s benign.”

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I read this aloud on YouTube.

Dr. Marty Nemko is a career and personal coach. He’s also the author of 18 books. This story is from the next edition of his book, Soloists: Short-short stories of introverts and outsiders facing a dilemma. You can reach Marty at mnemko@comcast.net.