Yes, Being Single IS Hard… But Do We Romanticize Long-Term Relationships?
I’ve spent the majority of my life in long-term relationships and it is only in the last 4 years I have come to truly develop who I am as a single person. Now, as much as being single can have it’s drawbacks, the perception that long-term relationships (LTR’s) hold some kind of magic power that will save you from feelings of loneliness is directly tied to the way we romanticize “the partnership” as a final frontier to our lives. That ultimate safe haven we should all strive for. Yes, being single is hard, but getting all your needs met is harder.
I would consider myself an ex-serial monogamist and recovering from that type of interconnected personhood was not easy but breaking the cycle revolutionized my life and over the last few years I’ve taken study of the many types of relationships I see, and have navigated my single-self in and out of partnerships — pushing to remain connected to that person I worked so hard to build in the first place.
The piece, Being Single Is Hard, outlines several key issues related to being single within North American culture (see above). Using excerpts from the original post I want to highlight a few myths I think us singles cling to when we’re feeling low, that tend to glorify the realities of long-term romantic relationships:
Myth 1: I’d Get My Needs Met
“My partnered friends think because they were well put together they attracted a partner, but I think having a partner makes it easier for them to be well put together.”
So you’ve worked on yourself and improved who you are, great! That is definitely the first step to getting into a healthy relationship. Stop jumping from one long-term lover to another and allow some real time to be alone. Learning to self-sooth is too valuable a skill to purely skip over. But after we must ask ourselves, “am I truly ready to be there for somebody else?” To make room in your life for someone else’s baggage, personality and routine?
People who are single, myself included, tend to focus on what they would get out of being in a relationship. The problem with this model is that long lasting relationships are actually about giving to someone else. When both people come into a relationship to give, by default you’ll both get the most out of the partnership.
“It is easier to maintain a healthy lifestyle with a partner.” This is another example of seeing relationships for what you would be getting. If I am in a relationship, I will be healthy, I will be more on top of things, I will be getting the type of attention I require to make better life choices. Now, for most of us who have spent time in LTR’s, this could not be further from the truth. Normally, LTR’s hinder our abilities to really take care of ourselves and the coupled person must work twice as hard to maintain the drive to focus on their body and mind. If you are unhealthy while single, you won’t magically change all your habits, in fact they may get worse. I would argue people in relationships are more likely to develop worse health habits as they settle into the comfort of their companionship.
Focusing on what we’re getting from our partner (or lack there of) is actually an extremely common practice in romantic relationships, leading to frustration on both sides. This is because we get caught in the mental trap of, “I am always doing X for my partner, and they don’t do Y for me.” If your partner isn’t giving to you at the same level, it might be time to find someone who is choosing to prioritize your needs as much as you do theirs. When both people only focus on what they are or aren’t getting, any giving tends to stop due to growing resentful. Why would I do something for you, that you aren’t doing for me? We ask ourselves.
Furthermore, being able to effectively ask for what we need generally gets overlooked. Your partner is not a mind reader and much of what you desire from them has to be communicated. The things they are doing that you appreciate must also be acknowledged and finding someone who is open to that level of clarity takes time. We may not always want to do, what we are being asked to do for someone.
When we love each other, we can treasure that balance found in selfless giving, (though it is not easy to come by) but it is never a given when you enter a relationship. If you focus on just what you want to get, you are headed for a tough climb. Now, if you think about what you want to GIVE to a relationship, what can you offer someone else, you will more quickly reach that mecca of blissful dating life. (Hopefully your new partner is coming to the relationship with the same attitude).
Myth 2: I’d Be Touched
“Most people in relationships have their need for touch met incidentally, but when you are single, it is very hard to get this need met.”
I do agree that since we don’t live in a culture where platonic touch is as acceptable or as common, it is hard to go without for extended periods of time. When I am single I definitely feel that void, however I know from having dated a number of people that the same feelings come up in a relationship as while single.
This is an idealization about being coupled, the reality is, many long-term relationships aren’t getting the type of touch they want 100% of the time and relationships can be riddled with rejection of intimacy that are either glossed over due to fear of more rejection or get so pervasive they must be directly addressed.
Few relationships get this need met on a regular basis because we all have different expectations and understandings of the types of touch that are most needed and when. (And don’t even get me started on mix matched sex-drives). Sitting with your partner, watching a movie, you reach out to hold their hand and they respond with “I’m just really sweaty right now and don’t wanna touch anyone”, or you lean in for a deep long kiss and they cut it short. These micro interactions trigger elements of rejection and pain. Not because your partners needs are unreasonable, maybe they just came from the gym, or maybe they just ate garlic! — but in that moment you wanted intimacy and it didn’t line up exactly with your boo. Expecting that you would get touch exactly when and how you need it is derivative at best and I would argue that long-term relationships tend to have more moments of mismatched desires than cooperative, even if both parties would rather stay in denial of this fact.
Our love languages shape us — I personally show love through service more than any other way. I cook meals, if I know you’ve had a hard day I’ll clean the apartment, I’ll offer to pick you up or drive you to an appointment. Similarly, I respond well to this type of love. If I was always offered hugs and hand holding but my partner never cleaned the kitchen, I would end up feeling a lack of my needs being met and question the love in the relationship on a conscious or subconscious level.
Without proper communication around how you show love and want love shown to you, navigating the ways one needs touch is not self-explanatory. I have experienced more feelings of lack of touch in my relationships than while single, due primarily to the deep seeded expectations held by romantic relationships. Loneliness can be felt while coupled or not.
Myth 3: I’d Have Support In Hard Times
“Someone with a partner would have a person to lean on during this time. But for me, apparently it’s just another thing that makes me too broken to date.”
A few years ago I lost my best friend over night, needless to say, my long-term relationship crumbled within a one year. The belief that our romantic relationships are going to provide us with all the support we need is maybe one of the biggest misconceptions and leads to toxic understandings of why we date at all. It is in our most vulnerable moments of pain that partners sometimes choose to withdraw from us to seek greener, less complicated pastures. When things get hard, our relationships also get hard.
Look around and take stock of the platonic relationships in your life, if your family and social circle is not enough for you to overcome life’s worst case scenarios, death of a parent, of a child, sickness and disease — Than thinking a relationship will fill that extra void to “get you through the tough stuff”, may fall short of your expectations, in fact, if its support you seek, a romantic relationship may be the last place you’ll want to extract lasting support. Now I understand many couples do care for each other deeply and would stand by their partner through almost anything, but it is never a guarantee. People change in trauma and their behaviour can be wildly unexpected and unpredictable. It is that that makes us feel let down when our partners are either unable to support us the way we want them to or we are unable to communicate the ways in which we need support.
Quite often I hear people say, “I have no support for the situation I am going through” — this leads me back to point 1, we go into a relationship to give. To receive support, you will need to support someone else through all their ups and downs, and your efforts will not always align. We must compromise our own desires at times to expect it from another. I have been in a long term relationship where I had to seek the majority of my support outside of my partner and it is no longer a prerequisite to my dating, in fact, over the last few years I have relied less and less on partner support to overcome the day to day difficulties in my life and ironically, it has enabled me to have healthier relationships. Distribute that need for support across your circle.
All this being said, I do think being single has challenges, but I believe one of the greater issues here, is the idealization and promotion of romantic relationships, that ultimately ends up devaluing the many perks of being single. Yes, being single can be difficult and the grass might always be greener regardless of which side of the field you’re on, neither can be deemed the missing piece to happiness.
