Be Sure to Drink Your Ovaltine, Ralphie
In the end it was a humbug, which is fitting because it was a humbug in the beginning too -only I didn’t know it at the time. I thought it was a serious meeting. That is how it had been sold to me. I was told that if I wanted my kids to be bike riders I would have to attend the parents of the kids that want to be bike riders safety meeting. I didn’t actually know that I wanted my kids to be bike riders -I could really have gone either way on that- but I wasn’t prepared to have a default decision made for me either, so I decided to attend the meeting.
The meeting was at nine o’clock in the morning. I left my driveway at forty past eight. The local elementary school was only a mile away from my house. It still is. But because of this guy -that lives down the road and insists on parking his car on the street and in between a stiff curve and busy intersection- I got stuck behind his Chrysler Pacifica hybrid and it ended up being a very good thing that I’d left my house 20 minutes early because I needed 19 of them to drive that mile.
Fortunately the elementary school is of the neighborhood variety and there is always plenty of parking. I wasn’t thinking about that as I exited my car. Instead I was telling myself that this time I wasn’t going to punk out and that I was going to report the house along the corner to the homeowners association even though I don’t believe in homeowners associations and narc-ing to them is entirely against my ethics. In the end I ended up punking out and lamenting that I have no ethics.
I was thinking this all the way into the school’s amphitheater -which is really just a conference room, but once inside it was the fact that there were no chairs that was the only thing on my mind. I found a spot in the back that was exactly like every other spot along the floor and sat there. A few minutes later some person also sat on the floor; uncomfortably close to me and I really thought about moving but I didn’t.
On several occasions my mother has said to me that “if you don’t have anything nice to say about somebody you shouldn’t say anything at all”. As a
One of my favorite things about the smartphone is having a library wherever I go. I was checking back in with Nick and Nora Charles when someone sat to the other side of me. It seems I had picked a very popular section of the floor. Part of me wondered if it was because it was more comfortable than all the other sections of the floor.
This other person was not uncomfortably close and I was grateful for that but all those feelings of general gratitude vanished when a conversation erupted between the two.
Uncomfortably Close Lady: Hey did you know Tim pulled somebody over this morning.
Not-uncomfortably Close Lady: No.
Uncomfortably Close Lady: It’s true, he did. It was right in front of the school. The guy was driving 65 in a twenty five and he was off duty but he just pulled him over anyway because the guy was so dangerous.
Uncomfortably close lady: Yeah he was off duty but it was just so dangerous that he had to do his duty. He’s federal law enforcement and all but he called the local boys and gave them a heads up. The guy thought he was crazy until he showed him his badge. Then he his attitude changed big time and he was just “Yes sir!”.
Not-uncomfortably Close Lady: Mmmh-hmmm.
The conversation ended there,for a while.
I returned to my book but distraction came and when it came it was in the form of two men setting up a table and then setting up boxes on the table. They exited and returned with two bikes make by a company called Trek. I have never owned any bicycles like those.
Like I said there were two of them. The first one was super-fit. It used to be that I had no opinion on guys that are super-fit, but I sorta hate them now that I’ve let myself go. The second guy was a slob. I have no opinion on slobs. Largely for the same reason that I used to have no opinion on people that are in shape.
“Alright,” We’re going to wait a few minutes to see if anyone else shows up,” Superfit Guy said. Slob Guy whispered in his ear. Superfit Guy shrugged and said, “Like that guy.” That guy came in on a stroll. He had zero gage earrings and tattoos all over everywhere including his face. This guy had not punked out like me. This guy was Punk AF. As the kids say. Or as some of the kids say. I’m sure my kids would never say anything like that.
He sat down in front of me but not uncomfortably close. The lady who was sitting uncomfortably close to me turned her head just as her nose began to twitch.
“Alright guys, let’s go ahead and get this started. Many of you know me,” I didn’t know her, I hadn’t even seen her come into the room. Her entrance was not interesting at all. “I’m Dr. Trestle, assistant-principle here at Trestleville Elementary #3 . . .no relation.” There was no laughter. “Ok, so we’ve got a couple of guys from Trestleville Bikes, also no relation, on main street and they are going to walk you through everything you need to know to make sure your little bike riders are safe bike riders.” She receded into the distance. It was some time before I saw her again. In fact, I didn’t see her again until after the end of this story.
“How is everybody doing?” Superfit Guy asked. He clapped his hands once. “Yeah!” It was the sort of exclamation for which a mark is not sufficient; it must be noted by an extra sentence as well. Slob Guy whispered in his ear. This time he grimaced. “How many of you are planning on letting your kids be bike riders this year?” All hands were raised. “Excellent choice. That is a healthy and a responsible choice and I applaud you all for it. I myself live about two and a half a miles from where my go to elementary school -quick note, they attend Trestleville Elementary #5 . . . go Amoebas! I ride with my kids to their school every single day. It is a fantastic warm up for my cross fit, which is a fantastic warm up for my PX-90, which is a really just an excellent warm up for my Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Any of you BJJ?” No hands were raised, “ Yeah, it’s awesome.”
“So, safety. What is it? Safety is the act of being safe. How do you do it? You do it with the right knowledge and the right equipment. How do you get the right knowledge? You listen to me and my buddy here for the next 35 to 40 minutes. How do you get the right equipment? You pay me or my buddy here a visit over at Trestleville Bike’s during any of our really convenient business hours. Or you can order online. Like us on Facebook and you could be entered into a contest to win ten percent off your next purchase of valve stems covers.” There was another clap. Slower, louder. Still only from him. “The first thing you are going to need is a helmet. There have been a lot of issues with the cheaper helmet’s out there. Some of them contain the PCBs and have been known to cause the Zika. Do other retailers sell these defective helmets?” He shrugged. “I don’t know. But we don’t, and are you really willing to take that risk? Next, you need LED lights. These are real important even during the day. We’ve also got those. I have heard rumors that some of the LED lights that you can get for the bicycle or the bicycle helmet are not safe and can explode. But I can assure you none of the LED lights that we sell have ever exploded. Next it is very important to have an air horn that fits onto your bicycle. This is much better than a bell for letting pedestrians know you are in the area. Bells might be confused for cell phones these days and that could spell next level disaster. But with this bike air horn everybody will hear you coming. Now hold on just a second.” He went behind the table and removed one of each item he had mentioned. He then placed them on the table. “All of these are available for purchase right now. We take cash, check or credit card. Ok, back to the safety.” He walked around the table again. “Now just like you wouldn’t let your kids wear shoes that are too small don’t let your kids ride backs that are too small. Now there are a lot of folks out there that will tell you that if your child’s bike is too small you should extend the seat. In my experience that is a bad idea. Several recent studies have shown that making your child ride on a bike that has had its seat extended can lead to scoliosis and ADHD. Are these studies right? I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. But are you really willing to take that chance? No, me neither. That is why at Trestleville Bikes we have a large assortment of bikes that can be purchased every time your child grows a couple of inches. Are they cheap? No. But neither are back braces or Ritalin. Now as you will notice,” he waved a hand at the two bikes that were on display. First with one arm, then with the other. “Some bikes are made for boys. Some bikes are made for girls. There is an important reason for this and I strongly urge against parents giving hand me down bicycles from one sibling to a sibling of the opposite sex. In fact I’ve even heard that it is illegal for a girl to ride a boy’s bike and vice versa.”
Uncomfortably Close spoke across me to her friend. “It’s true, my husband arrested somebody for that just the other day.”
“Ok, that’s it guys. Just to recap . . . if you want your kids to be safe you need to come on down to the store and buy a new helmet, LED lights, air horn and bicycles. If you don’t want your kids to be safe then you are a terrible person. And as always financing is available. Any questions? No, good. Anybody want to buy some of this stuff now?” There were no responses to that question either. No? Ok, see you guys in the store.”
“I’ve got a question.” It was Punk AF Guy. “There are no sidewalks leading up to or crossing areas for the kids to move from my subdivision to the school. This is very dangerous. Can anything be done about it?”
Superfit Guy and Slob Guy had already began breaking down their presentation and boxing all the items up. Slob Guy looked up from his work for a moment. “Not our department, bro.”
Uncomfortably Close, in her excitement to stride up next to Punk AF Guy, nearly tripped over me. The words tripped out of her nearly as fast. She tapped him all over the shoulders. Her nose had stopped twitching. “That is a real problem, but I can tell you something is going to be done about it. My husband is federal law enforcement and just today he was coordinating with Trestleville PD about some dangerous actions out here in front of the school and you can believe you me he’ll be talking to the city about getting things made safe for these kids. And I got a feeling that this time something is going to get done about it. It’s like I was telling him just the other day . . . sometimes you just have to play the T.S.A. card.”
