A young man’s prayer

my heart is entwined with pride and lust
God knows how close i am to destruction
in my youth i have sinned against God.

coming from a family of lack, i have learnt to strive and toil
whatever i wanted, i knew i had to work hard for it
whatever i made, i took immense pride
whatever i got, i wanted more.

growing up, i knew there was a price to everything
everything i wanted, i got by trading with something of equivalent value
i never believe in free lunches
until Jesus came knocking on my door with the gift of grace.

i struggled with the concept of grace
i struggled with the truth that Jesus died for me
died for me? who am i, whom this Jesus traded heaven for?

i still struggle with this truth
that Jesus freely gave up his life to redeem me
redeem me from what?

from this shame.
from this guilt. 
from this enslavement of striving.
from my desire for approval from others.
from my lust.
from my disbelief.
from my disobedience. 
from my vices.

i could walk into my office and feel good
i could stand proud and tall
i imagined that people might look at me and want to be me.

but inside i am insecure. 
i cave into depression
i slip into sin
i yearn for attention
i desire things that are not meant for me.

i feel ashamed standing between the pews
i feel disgusted with myself standing among other christians
i don’t deserve to stand in worship
who am i, that i can stand in the presence of the Lord, praising him in songs and prayer?

the bible tells me 
i am a child of God
that God will hear my prayers and petitions
that God doesn’t judge me like how people on Instagram would judge me
that God sent his one and only son to die for me

that He might have me back in his presence.

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