5 things we learned from the Hillary email investigation

FBI Director James Comey today spoke about the investigation of Hillary Clinton’s email activity during her time as Secretary of State. Here is what we know, so far, about the scandal. Warning: some images, taken directly from the investigation, may be unnerving and slightly confusing.

  1. This bitch loves deals

Comey says that the investigation of Hillary’s private account led the team to hundreds, if not thousands, of shopping subscription services — we all have them, but some of C’s alarmed officials. Beyond the obvious — Amazon Prime, Old Navy, and Anne Taylor Loft — they found subscriptions to Tuck-Ins Monthly (lingerie and spicy lip gloss), Spencer’s, Spicy Subscriptions (“romance” products, according to its website), Cannabox, and Dollar Shave Club. In response, Hillary said, “There is nothing illegal about any of this activity, and it should be noted that I used Spicy Subscriptions and Tuck-Ins Monthly for the beauty products, and NOT the toys. I did NOT use the toys.”

2. She’s always looking for more opportunities — and actually pursued some

As post-recession, college loan bubble Americans, it’s crucial that all of us have a plan B, as things could literally crumble at any second now. As such, Hillary keeps on top of job openings, signified by her daily newsletter from Indeed.com, one of which reads, “Dear Hillary — the latest writing careers in the NYC region.” Alternative dreams, we all have them — mine includes ending up as a tired but constantly innovating fashion designer who humbly explodes in her early 30s — and sometimes we jump on them in a panic. “What if?” we say, as Clinton did in fall 2015, when she sent a full cover letter, references (John Kerry was one) and resume to Thrillist. When questioned, the director of Thrillist said, “Oh yeah, Ms. Clinton. She had some really, really impressive experience, but we were looking for at least 5 years in digital media experience, and her tenure as Secretary of State did not meet our expectations. We have her resume on file for one year if she meets our credentials.”

3. She stays on top of breaking news

Hillary’s news subscription services indicate her dedication to multiple perspectives: NY Daily News, NY Post, New York Times, Paranormal News, and Sing Tao Daily. C definitely has her favorite topics, indicated by her Google News alerts for “Kevin Durant”, “Hillary Rodham Clinton”, “Sinead O’Connor”, and “oil”. Additionally, Hillary recently canceled her subscriptions to The New Yorker, The Atlantic, Jezebel, and the New York Times Opinion section, with a note to her aides that said, “I don’t have time for this shit. Please unsubscribe me — thx.”

4. She supports herself — and her opponents

This was a curious, but unsurprising find: Hillary not only receives her campaign emails (often with subject lines like, “Friend — we need you” or “Dinner tonight?” or “A note from Brad Pitt on last night’s debate”) but also those of Bernie Sanders, Donald Trump, Jeb Bush, Ted Cruz, Jill Stein, and Gary Johnson. In fact, she even used some of their campaign emails as inspiration for her own, forwarding them on to her daughter Chelsea with notes like, “Like the font in Ted’s latest — can we replicate? Not sure if compatible w/ Apple. Thx.” Another one read, “Jealous of the Bush logo — r we on track w/ our design & layout?” to which her graphic designer said, “Let me do my job and you do yours” to which HC wrote, “Ur rite, sry — xxHRC.”

5. She’s smart, but still believes in chain email

But the most notable items in Hillary’s inbox AND outbox were chain emails — in fact, about 80 percent of her inbox comprised of these “letters”. Remember, the ones your parents tossed back and forth in the late 90s/early 2000s? For some reason, Hillary is still on board. She got caught up in a flurry when she received a chain email that read, “U must send this email to 1,000 friends to receive good luck 4 the next 7 yrs …….>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<>>><>>>>><><>> IF U DO NOT SEND ALONG u will lose a very very close friend” which C forwarded to her staff with the note, “Please pass along to 1,000 on our baby boomer list by end of tonite — this luck is what I need to win in Nov.”

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