6 bribes Bernie was offered today
Today Bernie Sanders endorsed Hillary Clinton, after spending months telling the world she was “not qualified” for presidency, took money from Wall Street, was stupid and dumb and yadda. yadda. yadda. Anyway, we got a hold of all the shit Hill offered to Bern to get him to endorse her — and believe us, we’re jealous too.
Bribes are in order of offering — he accepted none of these, just got tired of listening to people and showing up to shit. Sources also tell us that Bernie may or may not have bought a $29.99 slow cooker on Amazon for Prime Day and was “really pumped” to get home ASAP and make his wife’s veggie chili. We certainly do live in a House of Cards.
- Unlimited access to Camp David
Hillary took Bernie by the shoulders and told him, “Oh Bern you love the outdoors, don’t ya??! This place, it’s just like Vermont, but way better, because there’s stuff to do! Oh don’t look mad you know it’s true. We’ve got a pool, and foosball, and archery — so fun — and, and, and lots of soda and a theater in Hickory Lodge … and as many Oreos as you want oh Bernie could you pass up something like that??” to which Bernie said, “That institution … is a waste of both taxpayer dollars and useful public land. I do not, and will not, ever intend on bringing myself or my family to the wasteland that is Camp Fucking David.”
2. Legalization of marijuana
“OK — how about this? I’ll do what you’ve always wanted to do — I’ll legalize it. Waddaya say, Bern? Doobies for all, now doesn’t that sound nice? I’ll do it in the first hundred days, and we’ll all just … smoke ourselves silly. Come on, Bern, how could you say no to somethin like that?? It’s what your dreams are made of,” to which Bernie scoffed and said, “Don’t you DARE try to win me over with a pot policy, Clinton. You and I BOTH know that the stuff is streamlined to be legal within a year — look at fuckin Colorado. For gods sake we watched Boehner himself ripping a bong the other night and you think you’ll be innovative by passing something like that?! Your weak sell is pathetic ………. Oh, did you want a hit of this or…?”
3. A lifetime supply of Ben & Jerry’s
Bernie howled like a werewolf at this one. “I AM Ben & Jerry’s,” Bernie said. “You understand that I am the reason their success is outstanding and unbelievable, right?! You don’t?! It seems like you don’t, and you obviously haven’t heard of their ice cream that’s named after ME. It’s called Bernie’s Yearning and it’s fucking delicious. Let me explain and tell you clearly that my policies and status as the most glorious but humble, and down to earth senator Vermont ever saw has transformed Burlington into the BEST. COLLEGE. TOWN. THAT. EVER. EXISTED!!!!” Bernie proceeded to rip off his sweat-stained button-up and chant, “U-V-A. U-V-A. U-V-A.”
4. The cities of Detroit, Richmond, VA, and Rochester, NY
“They’re all yours!” Hillary exclaimed as she shoved the keys to these unique cities into Bernie’s hands. Bernie thought about it for one second, then saw the trick: “I see what you’re doing Clinton, trying to offload these burdens on to me. NO. This will NOT work. I will only live in cities with brick-lined streets and well-off, locally-sourced streetside cafes. Don’t you dare try to rope me into another 30 years of urban reform and social justice movements. I said I was done with this shit.”
5. Unlimited VC backing for any startup idea
To which Bernie said, “I do not know how to use a computer.”
6. Bernie as VP?
Hillary even went as far as offering Bernie Sanders the spot as her running mate, to which Bernie spat on the ground and hissed, “You. HEATHEN. Teddy Roosevelt himself said, ‘I would a great deal — A GREAT DEAL — rather be anything, say professor of history, than vice president.’ Did you know that, Clinton?? TEDDY ROOSEVELT would not take this position and you challenge me, you diminish me, as you do, down to dust?! You know who referred to this position as, and I quote, ‘The most insignificant office that ever the invention of man contrived or his imagination conceived.’ You know, right??!?” To which Clinton looked down and muttered, “Letter to Abigail Adams from John Adams, December 19, 1793.”
This post originally appeared on Theamusing.net, a site dedicated to all things humorous and entertaining.
