The OKCupid profile of a working woman in a Hallmark Christmas movie

My self-summary:

Hello. Kathleen here — Kath for short. I’m a workaholic 25/8 attorney, alone again during the holidays and currently popping two Excedrin (washed down with red wine to indicate my blatant indifference toward medicinal labels) and stabbing holes through the plastic of my second Lean Cuisine of the night even though my eye is on that pint of generic (branding issues with the film production company) Ben & Jerry’s in the freezer. Gah! My life, it’s on the brink of emotional fatality due to my learned inability to love and receive love, along with the fact that I’m trying to gain rights to my dead father’s general store, as my hometown of Chattanon, PA is hoping to demolish its remains and replace it with an Aldi. But the store! Oh how it shined in my childhood, so much that I want to reopen it and call it my own (I already have a name: Kat House) as an homage to the family I’ve continued to neglect for the past 10 years, especially my brother and sister, who decided to stay in Chattanon, a choice that drove me to refer to them as, “redneck hillbillies with zero aspirations” and “racist bigots who perpetuate the culture of isolation that lends itself to ignorance and apathy” even though they take care of my dying skeleton of a mother who no longer recognizes me.

Oh boy, too much info, get it together, K. You always do this. Let’s just say it’s been A WHILE since I’ve pursued companionship.

OK. Let’s start over. Deep down, I love this time of year, and, really, I’m simple. I love … the smell of fresh gingerbread, a fluffy towel after a hot bath, and sharing hot cocoa while watching the cartoon version of The Grinch Who Stole Christmas in my adult matching pajama set. But I don’t tell many people that — it’s this cute thing I do where I’m a big cranky pile of insults starting December 1 because law school hardened me and my late fiance died in a skiing accident.

What I’m doing with my life:

My expertise is in white-collar crime — in fact, I’m the top defense lawyer in the Philadelphia region, which is a cute way of saying that I drive a Mercedes Benz but can’t even cook an egg — but, again, my father’s general store (see above) is consuming me at the moment. Even though I have no background when it comes to zoning or city planning, I have immersed myself in this project, basically defying any sort of federal or local laws, and the coolest part is that my firm and clients don’t care that I just like, dropped everything to advocate for a crumbling building in a town with a rapidly aging population of 800. Movies, huh?

It seems, though, and this has become quite apparent since working alongside the humble yet uneducated (so sad) residents of Chattanon, that I’ve forgotten how to show love and compassion, probably because I live in a fast-paced urban center where population growth is pushing rents to unmanageable prices, but the culture! Plus, when you’re a female who works as much as I do, naturally you sever ties; I mean “Bridge Burning” is my middle name. But if you look closely (really, really closely), you’ll see that I am capable of love, and I care about my family of trade-school morons. I won’t let you know this until 1.5 hours into my Hallmark film.

I’m really good at:

Hanging up phones violently, especially when someone tells me, “Kathleen, we’re moving forward with the demolition. We found 16 dead raccoons and a strain of polio from 1957 in your father’s store.”

Falling for faith-based 30-year-olds who open my heart to Christmas

Rolling my eyes when my phone starts ringing and throwing my phone behind my back (zoom in on phone landing in snow), at this point indicating that my life no longer revolves around my work.

Favorite books, movies, TV shows, and food:

These are activities for people who don’t work. I don’t know, I practically wrote Lean In. My fridge is filled with take-out leftovers, obviously. I’m caught at work eating A LOT of junk food, and yet I still have the body of a Pilates instructor. How DO I do it??

I spend a lot of time thinking about:

How I will rip my father’s general store from the hands of Chattanon planner and equally attractive Tina Tompson (played by that actress from Blue Crush). Even though the residents will not be able to afford the alternative candies and overpriced artisanal chocolates I plan to sell, and even though they have indicated overwhelming support for the Aldi, I will fight this in the name of my family (who also supports the Aldi).

You should message me if:

You can change my mind about love, about Christmas, and about faith, and if you often wear chunky sweaters and work as an electrician, a carpenter, a bartender, or a local newspaper reporter who, on the surface, interviews me about my father’s general store, but has motives of opening up my heart to joy.

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