What a man’s fall style says about him
Fall has fallen. It’s the time of year when we want to look like we’re in a university brochure, laughing against a backdrop of collegiate foliage with our handsome and athletic friends, making jokes about Plato and planning lighthearted and parent-friendly group costumes. The reality is, some of us will and can achieve that JCPenney catalog look, and others (like myself) will fall (lol) behind.
For men, autumn style can be defining: Here’s your guide to menswear, and what a simple choice can reveal about his personality.
A man with purpose and productivity, or else his hands start trembling like they did while everyone watched Flight on Amazon Prime after Thanksgiving dinner. “It’s 6 pm,” he mutters to you. “Is this all we’re gonna do tonight?? I’ve gotta get off this goddamn futon.” PV does not do well with cheat days, free time, joy riding, spontaneity, fast food, Lasertron, and most things involving less rigidity than the mahogany dining room table in his Connecticut McMansion where, over 6-course meals and underage consumption of red wine, he developed most, if not all, of his perspectives on politics, women, and higher education. PV was raised among horses and purebred animals and this year invited you to join the annual autumnal photo shoot that included the nuclear family (hot mom) and only the good looking pets (no cats). Keep this one around if you want to borrow his Crest Whitestrips and a spend Columbus Day weekend in the Poconos. Ditch him if you like bathroom humor and genuine laughter.
PV runners-up: Ice fishers. Also, your mom bought your dad a Ralph Lauren puffy vest and he wore it once on a visit to your brother’s engineering school for Parents’ Weekend and decided that day to never wear this vest again. Today the vest remains in the front closet, practically untouched, and Mom glances at it daily.
What’s that dipping out of your peacoat pocket? Is that … the latest issue of Tin House? THE PRINT VERSION OF TIN HOUSE? This is a man with idols — graduate school mentors, beat poets, his 8-year-old twin nephews, non-Christian Jesus — who have all inspired him to look and act like the literary son of God. This coat, even if it’s 60 degrees out, is his rock, and we secretly appreciate the theatrics with which he accentuates his life. Pros of Peacoat bro? Poetic, whimsical, smells like pine. Cons? Disapproves of female fiction writers, reading the news, and social gatherings that do not involve MFA grads and mulled wine. “Let’s go,” he’ll say. “There are no John Cheever books in this apartment and I saw a girl drinking beer out of the bottle.” Later that night he’ll tell you that he wrote a poem about you. “Would you like to hear it?” he’ll ask in a graceful whisper. “I should warn you: There’s a lot of … truth … in this piece. OK, here goes. ‘I loved the site of my long-haired woman from the beginning / her mind, however, is one of extraordinary chaos and discontent / That of a howling hyena —’ “ at which point you cut him off, hurl Leaves of Grass his way, and tell him to leave immediately. Later you find that he sells poems about you on homemade papyrus on Etsy and grow somewhat sad.
Peacoat runners-up: David Beckham, Albert Camus
Alright, not trying to sound xenophobic, but an autumnal scarf is probably a good indicator that this man is Scandinavian, Dutch, Italian, German, French, or gay. Pursue all you want: you’ll either end up with a 420-friendly bike and BMW enthusiast or someone who will trade Lady GaGa GIFs with you over GChat. Honestly, I’ll take the latter. I’ve found straight men in scarves to be pedantic (I’m looking at you, OKCupid date #4 who worked at the UN and laughed at me when I asked if we were going to take the subway home).
Scarf runners-up: London toddlers, Quidditch fans, Burt from Mary Poppins, I guess anyone in England
Recreation is this guy’s middle name, and he’d love if you could join him at 5 tonight for a pick-up soccer game in Prospect Park. You used to play, right? Well don’t you still have your cleats? 10 years isn’t that long, come on, I watched you pick up all those heavy chairs the other day when we cleaned up after my ZogSports party, so I know you’re strong enough to play with these guys. Fine — see you after? I was thinking of doing a late night jog again and stopping at the pier with Craig for some body strength training. Thoughts? Look, I really don’t like just sitting around, plus I ate a lot of lunch meat roll-ups yesterday and want to use them as fuel. And hey — I signed you up for that 15k. It’s tomorrow. Pros of NF: Your extended family will love him because he “gets the kids outside! Even Anthony who stopped talking to all of us two years ago … incredible.” Cons: Says, “Babe, we talked about this,” when he comes home to find you next to an empty bag of Chex Mix on the couch.
North Face runners-up: Your friend’s dad who loves cycling and wears a sports watch, high schoolers circa 2007
A man in chunky wool will do anything for you in the bedroom. Trust me on this one. He’ll tell you to get on the bed and from there the night will unfold into a tantric sandstorm. What lies underneath that sweater is anything but chunky: Yep, you heard it here, folks, CHISELED ABS AND GIRTHY LOINS. Don’t believe me? What kind of guy wears chunky wool so nonchalantly? Someone with a big … fuckin … appreciation for art, women, and appropriate care for the elderly. Pros of CW: “listener” and “supporter”. Cons: Probably not actually listening and/or supporting, something you’ll realize after chunky wool season is over.
Chunky wool runners-up: Ceramics teachers, sheep
This article originally appeared on The Amusing, a site dedicated to all things facetious and entertaining.