The Bygone Clarinet
Whether it was by inviting him to my rock-carols performances, the honoring events for the top students or by just flashing my very well-organized collection of Pokemon cards in front of him; I’ve always got my way around new ways to snatch his attention. Nothing used to live up to his expectations, more like, he was not actually expecting anything. Yet, I kept trying, till the day came and I started to feel that it’s not worth my time, I get enough recognition from everyone else and that would satisfy the attention-whore inside of me.
The need of his figure in my life kept fading away. I don’t even think about it anymore. I live for the star inside of me and all I need are my future fans. They would cry just when they see me on stage. The reverie of their hands reaching out for mine, and me just touching their fingertips in one hand, with the microphone in the other, kept me going. Kept me from needing him in my life. But knowing me, a Gemini can never settle for only fantasies. And when you think about it, what’s a performer without a magic wand to capture and control people’s feelings. And that was when I met Sevac. My new gate for fame and yet more attention.
Gawking at his fingers caressing my fame-wand was like porn for me. The trance I used to enter when I envision myself closing my eyes, blowing it gently and sometimes harder, tilting my head back and hearing my junkies screaming for more, used to make me climax internally. That was the moment I got confident that this would live up to his expectations. I didn’t realize I was still trying to satisfy him, but noticing the pride reflection in his eyes from across the stage while cheering for me performing my first Abdulhaleem piece, was the moment I longed for all my life and I never thought anything would be more satisfying than my inner orgasms, but this surely topped it.
It’s year eleven now. I am a star. A star without his stardom-bar. A star in everything he would never witness. I pine for my clarinet. I just wish it got robbed among the rest of his stuff.