Sailing through my Existential Crisis.
On a breezy Sunday morning, last October, I woke up with a pit in my stomach. A million questions running in my brain and my heart beating at full throttle. I have always thought deeply about life- highs and the lows, friendship, and goals, but never felt this lost. This was different!
I felt disastrously stuck into a process of unfruitful compulsive thinking. My conscious brain, which always had a clear perspective about life was questioning even my physical reality! The questions were both intrinsic and extrinsic.
- What is the meaning of life? (If you remember Loki’s dilemma about his Glorious purpose, this one should be funny!)
- Why live? How does it matter if I don't?
- How do I define ‘here’?
- What if there are other me?
- Why am I thinking all this??
- What is happiness???
- Why am I feeling so disconnected!?
- What is existentialism??? And a million more…..
Well, to make things clearer, as always, I pulled out my journal and began scribbling. I started with writing about how I was feeling and man, it was not pleasant….
- Feeling Anxious
- Afraid
- Lost
- Empty
- Disconnected
- Lack of Interest in things I always have loved- music, walking, or just gazing at the sky enjoying the breeze…
Of course, I was overwhelmed by the sudden & endless ‘Rumination’!
After spending a whole sleepless week, struggling with finding rational explanations to these questions, googling everything from ‘Existence’ to ‘Reality’ to ‘Human Perception’ to ‘Purpose of Life’, I GAVE UP!
And one day, I took a deep breath and asked myself to just ‘Stopppp!’. Even Stephen Hawkings couldn’t provide answers to everything, then who the hell am I?? Maybe Buddha could answer but he’s not available! Maybe chilling in another universe.
Survival Mode Kicked In
At this point, I knew I had to do two things before I become a total nihilist and lose control.
First, contact a Psychiatrist as my body was exerted and I needed to sleep. Second, park the rumination process until I felt physically and mentally healthy. There is no rush to achieve salvation…
I was diagnosed with Mixed Anxiety and Depression. (Obviously due to the physical and mental symptoms)
I was hesitant to take meds initially but the doctor assured me that my body and mind needed rest. I trusted him, followed the prescription, and to my surprise woke up unbelievably fresh the next day! I felt that I made the best decision of my life!!!
Once I got back my health and power to think clearly I pulled out my journal again..
Gaining Perspective and Awareness
I realized I was too small to answer such complicated questions about this Enormous and Magical Universe. And I had two choices - ‘Either to keep overthinking and stay stuck inside my head’ OR ‘Be present in the moment and cherish life the way it is.’ I am glad I chose the latter!
Realization and Recovery
I will be happy if even one person reads this blog and acknowledges how crucial mental health and self-awareness are to lead a happy life(If you choose to have one). How important it is to drop your pride and approach someone for help. And most importantly to stay Humble and move forward with Humor!
HUMILITY. COMPASSION. GRATITUDE.
How am I Today?
Feeling like a blizzard has passed. I feel absolutely calm, more focused than ever, and excited about what the next sunrise brings. (Although it's all foggy here today in Delhi, cozy in my blanket! haha)
Wrapping up, until next time!
Do listen to Sweater Weather by The Neighbourhood.
https://youtu.be/GCdwKhTtNNw
