How To Dismantle America

Satan’s Diabolical 10-Step Plan for President Elect Trump

Hello Donald-

I read with great interest your proposal to help me defeat America and destroy the world. I must say, I admire your drive. This, combined by your bullying self-aggrandizement and total moral decay have proven to me that you are, indeed, the right man for the job. Congratulations.

That said, we have our work cut out for us. President Obama has chosen to ignore my bidding, bribes and threats. Despite all this (and the fact that he’s black!) he has proven to be a strong adversary. In fact, sources tell me he will be remembered as one of the most admired presidents in US history. But no matter, we will triumph in the end. Hope and Change are nothing compared to our hatred and divisiveness. For while the world may love and respect Barack Obama, they will come to fear and cower before us — and as you know, Donald, that is the measure true power.

Below, I have outlined a plan for our success which was inspired by good old “Honest Abe” himself. (If I can’t make that freedom-loving bullshit artist burn in hell, he’ll at least rue his words.) If deployed correctly, you shall soon see the evil fruits of our labor. The genius of my plan lies in its pure audacity and irony. For we will use the most American of institutions to turn America against itself. Through freedom of speech and freedom of the press we will use lies to deceive voters and sensationalism and spectacle to keep them coming back for more. Because, as we both know, America so loves a scandal!

Here are the initial broad strokes of my diabolical plan, but feel free to improvise and improve with your own special brand of magnetic megalomania.

  1. Stir up fear, racism and sexism in white American men who feel their privilege and power slipping away. Launch your entry into politics by promoting a meritless rumor about the validity of Obama’s birth certificate. The Tea Party will love this as it gives racism an almost patriotic patina!

2. Get the backing of Evangelical Christians. Despite their alleged allegiance to you know Who, they are a powerful and purposeful group. Best of all, we have a tremendous opportunity to use their beliefs for our own agenda. They believe the Second Coming is at hand and have a vested interest in promoting the end of the world. Who better than you, Donald, in the position of the most powerful man in the world to make that happen? You’re welcome.

3. Alienate sane, sensible and morally responsible Republican party members with divisive and bullying rhetoric. The party can be ripped apart at its roots by appealing to its most aggrieved party members with unabashed fear and hatred.

4. Parade your made-for-reality-TV family before the public to attest to your viability as a father, leader and worthy human being. A note here: I encourage you to say out loud all the inappropriate thoughts you have about your oldest daughter, Ivanka. The benefits are two-fold: 1.) It affirms your own attractiveness (because, really, could an ugly, ogre of a man father a woman so fuckable?) and 2.) a whiff of incest always appeals to America’s prurient nature and will get you even more media attention. Do you see the pattern here, my friend? Moral outrage gets attention and ultimately, votes.

5. Use “America First” as a way to allay domestic fears of globalization and sow international fears of colonization. Employ terrorist threats to demonize and dehumanize refugees and immigrants seeking peaceful refuge in America. Back this up with threatening and insinuating promises to neighboring countries and allies. Oh, and I’ll give you extra credit for warming up to Vladimir Putin. He’s already on my team and I think you’ll work well together. Terrific human being.

6. On the domestic front, let’s talk about dog-whistle policies like “Law and Order” to stoke the escalating tensions between police officers and communities of color. The greater the distrust we can create between the people and law enforcement, the better chance we can transform civil disobedience into civil war. Yet another example of my evil genius — and one I’m particularly proud of.

7. The media will make us or break us. As luck would have it, these days most people are getting their political information from social media platforms so we can easily create fake news, manipulate the truth and create a more angry and confused electorate. When questioned by detractors and/or the mainstream media, simply deny any responsibility or culpability for your words then distract them with another shocking lie.

8. Show the world you will take shit from no one. Use Twitter to promote useful fabrications and silence or shame any who would dare express distrust or disagreement with you. And on that note: retweet the racist and xenophobic ideologies of hate groups as much as possible. You will see they are very faithful and dedicated followers who will promote the Trump brand with gleeful zeal.

9. Loudly label opponents, immigrants and others as criminals to gain support and distract from the fact that you have thousands of pending lawsuits ranging from fraud to sexual assault. While I commend you for your dirty deeds, they could be your Achilles heel. Play the offensive and you won’t have to play the defensive.

10. Once elected, surround yourself with aids, advisors and Cabinet members as dedicated to destruction as you. I have some people in mind already (Steve Bannon is as relentless as they get). Oh, and if you can get a climate skeptic to head the EPA, you would be doing me a huge favor. Fuck those tree-hugging communists. I won’t be satisfied until every polar bear has drowned from exhaustion in tepid bathwater.

That’s all for now. Once you are in office, I will be contacting you with the next steps of my unholy plan. I look forward to your election and ascension to the highest seat of human power. Together we will destroy the world by reminding people to Make America Hate Again.

Sincerely psyched for destruction,