The REM recalibration

I have a huge brain flaw. Other people call them dreams, I call it sleeping hell. In normal circumstances, I hardly ever have dreams. I rarely have a weird or some times sexual dream but we ‘re talking about one or two a year. I don’t know if it’s considered rare or normal for an adult but I don’t dream. Except for when I am sad.

In periods I am sad and/or stressed, sleeping becomes so hard, I’m afraid to lie down at night. I see things, awful things, uncomfortable things. I wake up even sadder and exhausted, sweat all over the place. I have been having dreams for weeks now and I can’t do anything to stop them. Bugs crawling here and there, old houses I used to live in, cities I hated, wounds opening up in my body, blood, deaths, my body turning to ice from inside out.

I tried meditation. Didn’t work. I tried alcohol, no result plus made me sick. I tried doing pleasant things, nope. I tried to work too much to exhaust my brain, still not enough. I tried sleeping less, not cutting it. I tried talking to my friend about my problems even though I didn’t want to. Possibly made it worse. Herbal tea. Failed dramatically. I have no idea, nor how to feel better or how to stop dreaming. I can barely interpret my dreams (psychologically) to understand what my brain is trying to tell me but to be honest, I already know. Doesn’t help either.

I miss peaceful sleep. I miss safe sleep. I miss sleeping in his arms, literal or mental but I can have none of that, hence my brain won’t have me sleep at all. “Fix it or else…” it’s telling me. It’s not up to me any more brain… Life’s not all up to me. While awake, I try desperately to forget. While asleep, I get reminded of situations. I can’t feel any more. I don’t want to feel any more. Leave me alone Sandman, my body needs to sleep, my soul needs to sleep, my feelings need to sleep.

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