Finding peace in the chaos of life
A state of unbothered peace
About a year ago, I said to my Coach, “I just want to be totally unbothered”.
I was at a place in life where I was experiencing a lot of anxiety, a lot of triggers, and a lot of uncertainty about my future.
I was overwhelmed with negative thoughts and fears, and my one wish for myself was that I reach a state of “unbothered peace”, where nothing externally bothered me.
I wanted to be in such a state of internal peace that I could shrug things off, move on, and maintain my deep inner joy.
I was so sick of feeling every emotion so deeply and then getting caught up in the emotions.
I wanted to be so confident in myself and happy in my life, that nothing anyone said or did, and no external circumstance, could shake me from that state.
At the time, I felt so very far from this state, with no road map on how to get there.
In the last few weeks, I’ve had the exciting realization that I am truly beginning to embody a state of unbothered peace. It is liberating.
I thought I’d share my journey so that you can get here too.
What unbothered peace feels like
There are two ways that I can tell I’m starting to embody a state of unbothered peace:
1. I no longer ruminate over things that I used to
For the greater part of the past year, I was in survival mode. I can’t even tell you how many sleepless nights I had, ruminating.
Anxiety was high because I saw so many things that I worked so hard for, slipping through my fingers: My relationships, my business, my home, my finances, my dreams.
What I’ve come to realize, is that I had to face the possibility of losing everything, to learn that I could lose anything and still be ok.
Coming out the other side, I am no longer so afraid of losing things, including people.
I know now that even when I lose people, my life still leads someplace beautiful.
I see now that no matter what, I will be ok, and no matter what, I will step up for myself to make sure that I am ok.
This was a journey of learning to trust myself.
This has led to a sense of freedom that I truly couldn’t have imagined.
2. I still feel hard emotions but they do not overwhelm me
A state of peace doesn’t mean that nothing ever bothers you.
In fact, it means that you feel hard feelings quicker.
I still feel angry, sad, disappointed, frustrated, guilty, and ashamed. But I am so tuned into my body and mind, that I can quickly recognize when these emotions are present.
From there, I am able to feel them briefly and then let them go.
I let them go because I have reached an understanding that truly nothing has the power to impact my peace, because I don’t need to allow it to.
I started saying to myself, “That no longer impacts me.”, and then I return to my state of peace, acknowledging that other people’s behavior has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with their own wounding.
I do not allow myself to get stuck in the hard feelings and in the stories that come from my own wounding.
I am able to stay present even while feeling the hard feelings, and then I return fully to the joy and beauty of the moment, through gratitude.
3 way to move towards peace
Maybe you’re thinking, “That sounds great, but how do I get there?”
Here are 3 ways to move towards this state of peace.
1. Build self-compassion
As kids, many of us are taught to feel ashamed of who we are, to quiet our emotions, to place the wants of others above our own, and even, to have no wants at all.
But this sadly, moves us away from our authentic selves, and towards an unfulfilled life.
So I want you to start to notice when you are shaming yourself.
Shame can be really subtle. You have to intentionally look for it, or get a coach that can help you spot it.
Watch out for how you shame yourself for not doing things perfectly.
Maybe you didn’t say something perfectly, maybe that text you wrote wasn’t perfect, maybe you didn’t complete a task at work perfectly; try to catch yourself when you start wishing you did something differently, because that is shame creeping in.
Also watch out for how you might take on the sole responsibility for repair with your loved ones, after a difficult or awkward situation.
Are you always the one to admit fault and apologize? Do you ever hold them accountable for their part?
Try to notice the anxiety that comes up from difficult situations and conversations, and notice your immediate desire to “fix” them.
Then take a step back and see if you can give yourself a few days to sit with the discomfort.
The more you allow the feelings to just be, without having to fix them, the more you are truly supporting yourself instead of bypassing your feelings.
Lastly, in any situation where you feel hard feelings, take the time to affirm your feelings.
Put your hand on your heart, take a few deep breaths, and say to yourself: “Parts of me feel guilty about abc. And of course I feel guilty about abc because of xyz.”
This is the simple script to show yourself compassion, by acknowledging your hard feelings and affirming them.
For me, this is one of the most important parts of my self-care.
2. Speak your truth.
Speaking your truth is how you build trust with yourself. So you have to learn to do it, even when it is uncomfortable and even when it is messy.
Start to notice the feeling in your body that arises when you want to say something but you silence yourself.
You will feel anxiety, but you have to understand how it shows up specifically for you so that you can spot it and then decide how you are going to speak up.
For me, I notice a nauseous feeling in my throat and upper chest. When I feel that sensation, I know that there is something I am not saying, or something that I want to express.
I will then decide to say something in the moment if I know what I want to say, or I will wait.
If I wait, I will give myself time to think things through, speak out loud to myself or to a coach or therapist, and/or journal my feelings to dig deeper.
Once I’ve given myself time to think, speak, and journal, I will choose to either say something later, or not, depending on whether I feel it is necessary at that point.
If I choose not to say something, it is because I have been able to process my feelings and I no longer feel it is necessary to say anything.
It is not because I am scared to say something. That would be an example of continuing the pattern of keeping quiet and in the process, dishonoring myself.
The only way to truly honor yourself is to speak up.
So start speaking.
3. Stop taking things personally
This one has taken me a lot of time to develop.
And I wouldn’t have gotten to a place where I rarely take things personally, if I hadn’t previously been taking everything personally.
I had to go through a period where I was trying to control everything and everyone, and judging people for not doing what I wanted.
The goal of this kind of control and judgment is always self-protection. I was trying to protect myself.
But my efforts were misguided. All my behavior did was lead to suffering for everyone.
So I had to learn to let things go…for my own good.
Because honestly, it became exhausting trying to control everything.
Now again, I did not let things go because I was scared of bringing things up to other people.
I let them go because I could tell that holding onto them was causing me pain. It is all about you, my friend. Everything you do or don’t do, let it be for you.
I could see that holding onto judgment and trying to force things to go my way was causing me pain.
So I thought that if I could change the degree to which I was affected by these things in the first place, I could suffer less. And suffering less was my goal.
Changing my reaction was actually, the only thing I could control.
And it worked.
It allowed me to focus on the positive in my life and to see the positive in the people in my life.
That has led to a happier me and to healthier relationships overall.
Conclusion
Sometimes the Universe takes a roundabout way to get you to where you want to be.
A year ago when I expressed my desire for unbothered peace, I felt like I just needed to learn a few new skills and I could get there.
But the Universe knew better.
To truly embody a state of unbothered peace, I had to learn to trust that I would be ok no matter what happens.
That meant going through a period where I would lose all of the stability that I built for myself, only to be left with one option to navigate the chaos:
To trust.
Turns out, that is the only path to peace.
Molly is a Self-discovery & Transformation coach, helping women rediscover themselves and live a life that is authentic and fulfilling to them. She works with professional women and new moms in their 30’s, who feel lost and unmotivated, and guides them in finding their motivation, their inspiration, and building a life that they truly love.
For more mindset shifts to get to your fulfilling life, download my FREE Workshop “4 ways to feel inspired by your life again!” Because I know you don’t want to just live, you want to be present and happy while doing so.