I spend a lot of time angry. I probably spend more time angry than your average 22 year old woman should. Over the years it sort of transgressed from this awkward desire to be accepted and self inflicted shame into a steady, outward push towards the rest of the world. I notice these feelings in myself are often larger than those around me. Why do you care is actually a pretty relevant question that I avoid asking myself. Because there’s no real reason. There’s many reasons. I’m fucking angry as hell and I shouldn’t be. I have reason to be, but I shouldn’t be. I’m angry at myself for not being more, for not being stronger. I’m angry because there’s all this time and yet never enough. I’m angry that life’s not fair and things don’t work out the way you wish they would. I’m angry at anger and the false prophet it is. But I’m mostly angry at humans and the complete lack of humanity they can possess. We almost don’t even deserve that word anymore, give it to dogs. Make it dogity. You possess dogity should be the highest form of nobility.
I remember being young and having this sort of unspoken knowledge that if someone else sucks then everyone else recognizes that, too. That in the end they don’t succeed in being terrible. But then I got older and picked up on how unorganized the grand scheme of the world is, and how easily someone can slip through the cracks of everything right and just and succeed in their terribleness. I remember reading Animal Farm and it scared me. Now I look back on it and it makes a lot of sense, and that scares me. As a child you live in this bubble of comfort until you slowly adjust to the terror of the world, and you have to search for new ways to be innocent again. Some of us have a cushy spot being blindly ignorant and others of us are directly beneath the heal of life’s shoe, awaiting our spirits to be crushed.
So here I am. Waiting. Angry as hell, and waiting, watching as the world takes and returns it’s kindness to us each day. Watching as I gather strength and readjust, again. Don’t get me wrong, I’m incredibly thankful for all of the beauty and love and light humanity has given me, but I’m also fucking pissed that the arrogance of power could ever stand in the way of that. That the state of the world and my country plays into the hands of ignorance and that the people blindly follow. I’m angry that it still completely dumbfounds me, every single time, how people can promote such intolerance and bigotry and still manage to defend, without an ounce of hesitation, that there’s nothing wrong with thinking that way. I’m angry as hell. And I’m working on that anger honestly, I’m trying to better that. But excuse me for the time being while I search for another set of words to tell you that accurately describe the feelings in my head and my heart, than those semi-glorious two, FUCK and YOU.
Fuck you to hate and those that conspire in hatred. Those that breed hatred, and teach hatred. And I’m sending an especially ecstatic big ol’ fuck you to that inglorious piece of shit also known as our president. Thanks for taking a giant dump on my country, and giving me new reasons to be angry every day. 😊🖕