How To Write A Wildly Uninspiring Self Help Article

And validate yourself in the process.

Medium is totally overrun with ‘self-help’ articles. It always makes me wonder how many of these self-appointed life coaches actually live and breathe the advice they so willingly give to others?

It’s obviously so very good that we’re all looking to better ourselves, ‘find’ creativity, focus for longer, read 1038 books per day, etc etc. But is it just me, or is this cascade of mediocrity becoming somewhat tiresome?

We get it. You’re recently ‘woke’ and want to tell the world. But please, spare us.

Perhaps I have a chip on my shoulder- I know several people who write such content; ‘Live your best life!’ while categorically not following their own aloof and condescending words-to-the-wise.

Anyway, I digress. The method is very simple.

To begin, make sure you pepper your article with quotes from ‘7 Habits of Highly Effective People’. Seriously, your self-help article is pointless unless it’s basically a paraphrased version of the Steven Covey ‘classic’.

Next, make sure that within your article, you find subtle ways to validate your own greatness and productivity: say things like ‘Of course, I’ve read thousands of books’ or ‘I don’t believe that university can offer me anything I don’t already know, tbh’.

Don’t forget to vaguely refer to your own business and creativity endeavours, but ensure there’s no easy way to validate their credibility (i.e. just say ‘I’ve run a great number of businesses’ and simply change the subject if asked how said businesses are doing now.

Then, back to the quotes: don’t stop at Steven Covey! There’s a myriad of ripe and ready philosophers that you’ve never heard of just waiting for you to butcher their sincere musings and summarise them in an appropriately non-sequitur fashion.

Whatever you do, don’t mention in your article that you actually woke up at midday today (and yesterday). A tried-and-tested remedy for this is just telling people you wake up at 5 am in order to ‘maximise creative flow’ or something equally pretentious. They’ll never know any different. Proceed to chuckle at their idiocy while remaining blissfully ignorant of your own.

Next: try to sprinkle your rhetoric with grammatical errors- people should know you don’t have time to pay any real attention to the actual craft of writing. You’re too busy telling others how to write (and live and breathe and meditate), without the pesky inconvenience of learning how to write properly!

Take note of my advice, or don’t (you’re probably above taking advice). Either way, enjoy faking your way to becoming a respected authority on self-help.

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Crushed by the weight of all the lives I'm not living.

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