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Illustration by Louis Sobol

The Beatles, their suits ripped to smithereens and their faces covered with lipstick, lounge in the back of their armored tour bus. The entire New York state police force escorts them. Manager Brian Epstein speaks into one of sixteen built-in tour bus phones. All fifteen of the phones he’s not speaking into are ringing.

BRIAN EPSTEIN [hanging up the phone]: We’re going to have to airlift you into Carnegie, lads.

RINGO STARR [in a bone-weary whisper]: Righto.

Brian selects another ringing phone and screams, “GO ON, THEN!” …


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Illustration by Louis Sobol

We live in a world divided.

On one side, there are the liberals. We stand united by our incontestably correct worldview, formed by years of drinking oat milk lattes in dappled quads, attending at least half of one climate march, and diligently sometimes skimming the New Yorker.

On the other side, there are the conservatives, who stand united by their desire to militarize babies, reinstate the death penalty everywhere and use it on climate science and vegans, and extend the Keystone XL pipeline into space.

The only way we can bridge this divide is through open-minded debate. Having experienced and won many such debates myself, I have put together the following step-by-step guide to engaging in productive conversations with conservatives. …


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Illustration by Emily Clouse

5:00 PM: Saturday night respite mode activated. Remove daytime garb of black polo shirt, jeans, aviator sunglasses, and Jeff Bezos nametag. Don evening garb of silk pajamas, genuine black rhino hide slippers, lime green shutter shades, and Jeff “The Emperor” Bezos nametag.

5:02–5:02.03 PM: Drop down through walk-in closet floor hatch, landing in Saturday Night Fever disco pose in the Affirmation Chamber.

5:02.03–5:03.50 PM: Slide in front of floor-to-ceiling mirror and scream the Evening Affirmation: “My thirst is unquenchable. I am the economy. I will never die.”

5:03.50–5:05 PM: Punch floor-to-ceiling mirror, shattering it into a million pieces. …


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Cartoon by Meggie Ramm

Something that I understand really well, but that not many people do, is that posting on social media is no substitute for real action.

That’s why I’m going to post this cute graphic about the importance of taking real action to my Insta story. Oh my God, okay. I posted it. Will anyone be offended? I hope I don’t offend anyone. Ugh, whatever, I don’t even care. But still, I’m like, sort of nervous? Oh, okay, wait — Kyle just sent me a fire emoji in response. Good. People are into it.

Um, okay. It’s been 30 minutes and I haven’t gotten any responses besides the fire emoji from Kyle. I mean, he’s cool in kind of a gross way, but really? Just Kyle? No one else? Okay, chill, Kaitlyn. It’s fine. It’s only been half an hour, I’m sure you’ll get more responses. …


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Illustration by Louis Sobol

~ Greetings fellow WARRIOR NYMPH ~

Thnx for looking after X Æ A-12 while Elon and I spend a few nights away. Since I am going on an Elven forest pilgrimage (not bringing my phone) and Elon is going to Mars, we will both be totally unreachable this weekend.

I am therefore leaving you with a full set of instructions to prepare you for 72 hours with our son.

~PHYSICAL QUIRKS~

  • Sometimes X curls up into a tiny ball and starts rocking back and forth, whispering and punctuating his whispers with sharp little screams. If this happens, leave the room immediately. He is inventing new math, and the presence of an av-intel (average intelligence) lifeform (you) in the room will distract him. Take this seriously — the math he’s inventing is a series of algorithms that I’m going to apply to my next record to make each song so otherworldly that the listener will momentarily transcend the simulation and perceive the multiverse. …


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Illustration by Gillian Henderson

Hey, guys! But enough about you. I hit 5 million followers yesterday. Yes! Wow. Hitting the 5 mil mark is a very humbling experience — it really reminded me how important I am. I have a voice, you know? And in these unprecedented times, I have a responsibility to speak up and use it.

So I just wanted to take this time to remind every single one of you that, no matter how many people lose their jobs or get sick in the coming months, I will always, through it all, have a perfect, beautiful goddess body.

The thing about being as hot as I am is that it’s amazing and I love it, but it’s also a lot of fun and has made me really rich. The other thing about my hotness is that it’s always extremely relevant, even, and maybe especially, now. In these ugly, uncertain times, people need something unwaveringly beautiful with which to steady themselves: me. …


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Illustration by Gillian Henderson

WET HANDS! You have them.

Bring them to me.

That’s it. Welcome back to me: the DYSON AIRBLADE.

I can feel your fear. Even after all these years — you’re still hesitant. You still can’t quite believe the GUSTO with which I perform my duty. You still quiver, like a WILL-O’-THE-WISP in a WIND TUNNEL, before the might of my ROAR.

I understand. I’m strong. OUTSPOKEN! That intimidates some people.

That’s it. Hover your hands above the BLADE! …


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Illustration by Emily Clouse

ME: I’d like to start us off with a question I’ve asked myself many times — you’re not actually working out in jeans, are you? You’re probably just sprinting to the grocery store because you ran out of toilet paper or something, right?

JEAN GUY: Nope, not sprinting to the store! I’m training. Getting fit.

ME: But jeans are such an unsettling choice for workout gear. They’re literally the last thing I would choose to work out in. What was the thought process there?

J.G: Thought process?

ME: Thought process. You know, like the ongoing inner narrative of logical rationalization that forms the basis of your everyday decision-making? …


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Illustration by Emily Clouse

Abstract

The aim of our research has been simple: to cut through the noise of contradictory studies and determine the real effects of coffee on human health. We may now confidently state that coffee is the best thing you could possibly consume for your body and mind, and that, if you drink it, you are absolutely certain to instantaneously die.

Keywords

Caffeine; enviable good health; quick yet still painful death; deep inner peace; brutal anxiety attacks

Key Findings

We began our research by isolating the caffeine molecule and studying its effects on our research participants.

While we found that a moderate daily dose of caffeine (anything over 3,000 mg, or 32 cups of coffee) ensures a gloriously robust heart, we also discovered that the intake of even the slightest amount of caffeine will result in instant cardiac arrest. Of course, if no caffeine is consumed at all, it is utterly inevitable that your heart rate will slow to a sad, echoey pulse, until it is too weak to carry on a second longer, and you will keel over, tired and alone, with not very much at all to show for your miserable little existence. …


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Image courtesy of Welcome Images

I’m about to flush the toilet. Here’s where things get interesting: I’m a Medieval English chambermaid, and you’re about to walk right underneath my second-story window.

I picked up the tab. Here’s where things get interesting: right after I picked it up, I dropped it. Now I’m four hours into a cosmic journey, and my ego just seeped out of my ears.

I snagged tickets for the Billie Eilish concert! Here’s where things get interesting: I was really stoned when I bought them, and accidentally purchased tickets for the Billie Eilish yodelling cover band.

Even though I’m full, I’m still snacking on the fries I ordered! Here’s where things get interesting: instead of saying, “I’m only eating these because they’re right in front of me,” I’m going to say, “I’m only eating these because they’re delicious potatoes! I definitely wouldn’t be eating them if they were little curls of birch bark or ballpoint pen caps,” which is a much more interesting remark to make than the first thing. …


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Photo by Jason Leung on Unsplash

W: Double-U

M: Upside-Down-Double-U

J: Half-U

C: 90-Degree-Pivot-U

G: 90-Degree-Pivot-U-Armed-With-Icepick (aka Dangerous-U)

D: 270-Degree-Pivot-U-On-A-Ship’s-Mast

B: Double-270-Degree-Pivot-U-On-A-Ship’s-Mast

V: Sharpened-U

Y: Sharpened-U-On-A-Stick

X: Sharpened-U-Balancing-Precariously-On-Peak-Of-Reverse-Sharpened-U

A: Reverse-Sharpened-U-With-Support-Beam

N: Sharpened-U-Leaning-Casually-Against-Bar

L: Two-Thirds-Of-An-Angular-U

T: Deconstructed-U

F: Ship’s-Mast-Armed-With-Double-Icepick

E: Double-Icepick-Armed-With-Extra-Icepick

H: Short-Stocky-U-Glaring-At-Own-Reflection-In-Lake

O: U-With-Domed-Roof

Q: Meandering-Footpath-Leading-To-U-With-Domed-Roof

I: I-Went-To-Draw-A-U-And-All-I-Got-Was-This-Lousy-Line

K: Sharpened-U-Attacking-Lousy-Line

S: Psilocybin-U

R: Sperm-U-Colliding-Against-Wall-Of-Uterus

P: U-Raised-Triumphantly-Up-Flagpole (Long Live U!)

Z: U-Snipped-Into-Two-Short-Lines-And-One-Slightly-Longer-Line-Then-Reconstructed-So-The-Two-Short-Lines-Are-Parallel-And-The-Longer-Line-Connects-Their-Opposite-Ends

U: U


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Illustration by Emily Clouse

5:15 A.M.: Internal performance optimization alarm activated. Eyes fly open. Strangled war cry escapes mouth. Fist reflexively punches air.

5:15–5:20 A.M.: Somersault out of bed. Land in plank position on bedroom floor. Command: “Alexa, read me unopened Jeff Bezos fan mail.” Do 200 push-ups to the sound of Alexa mechanically reporting a detailed sex dream sent in by Trisha Wagner, ‘your #1 fan in Haysville, Kansas.’

5:20–5:30 A.M.: Burn effigy of self. Whisper, “Always be better than yesterday.” …

Molly Henderson

humor writer, copywriter, tinker, tailor, soldier, spy

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