How to Open Office: A Comprehensive Guide to Not Screwing Things Up For The Rest of Us

This article has a dual purpose. It is both an open office etiquette guide for our staff of nine and a purely grumpy manifesto about the grievances that come along with an open office environment, despite us policing the shit out of rules like make more coffee if you get the last cup. On most days, we all work together to maintain the office we love, but sometimes a written airing of the grievances is needed to keep us all accountable.

A clean office is a happy office. Or so we’re told.

HOW TO KITCHEN

• Every time you don’t recycle, you’re basically giving Planet Earth the middle finger. Since recycling is literally as easy as putting your La Croix can or water bottle in the recycling bin and not the trash can, you almost have to try to not recycle. Don’t be that person.
• Before you recycle, wash out your cans and other containers. Don’t leave them on the kitchen counter for someone else to rinse out, and for God’s sake, don’t throw them half-full in any bin.
• Do not leave your dishes in the sink for someone else to put away or leave them sitting out under the pretense of “letting them soak” overnight. We all know that letting dishes soak is code for Yeah, I’m not cleaning that. If your dishes have crap caked on them, just scrub ’em up good with a sponge. That’s what the sponge is for. When you’re done with your dishes, clean them off and put them in the dishwasher. There is no such thing as an A for effort in this kitchen.
• If the dishwasher is full, start the dishwasher. If the dishwasher is full but the dishes inside are clean, put them away. Don’t walk away from a clean dishwasher unless some part of your body is on fire or our project manager, Laura, is about to literally murder you over a deadline.

She will literally murder you.

• Before you use your claw hands to rip open a bag of bread product the way it’s not supposed to be opened, stop and ask yourself, Would I do this at my own house to my own food? If your answer to that is Well, yeah, you’re an animal. Instead, open it the way it’s supposed to be opened and close it the way it’s supposed to be closed. If you need a clip to keep it closed, grab one from the storage room (alias the office supply cemetery). This same rule applies to any and all spoilable food in the kitchen.
• If you’re the last person to pour yourself a cup of filtered water or a cup of coffee before the supply runs out, don’t pull out your shifty eyes and slide the container back before moonwalking out of the kitchen like you were never there. Taking the last cup of water or coffee makes it your responsibility to refill it. Be kind. Refill. Or however that saying goes.
• Keep track of your leftovers and dump them out when their edible date has gone past. People really, really hate dumping out rotten containers of food, especially when that food never belonged to them in the first place.
• Be a countertop stain vigilante. Our counters are delicate and absorb just about any liquid if you leave it sitting. Coffee, water, Sriracha, soy sauce, and all those liquid demons need to be wiped up immediately lest we be left with their ghostly imprint for the rest of eternity.
• If you use the George Foreman grill or the breakfast sandwich gizmo, tidy up after yourself by wiping them down and putting them away. These are not aesthetically pleasing countertop accessories, nor are they anyone’s responsibility to put away but your own. Also, don’t wipe down the George Foreman and then leave it in the sink. Wipe it down and put it away. Like everything else we do in this office, cleaning up after yourself is a multi-step process.

Especially when we have to put away the George Foreman when we didn’t make lunch with it.

• If you see the trash is full, replace it. If you see a bag of trash just nonchalantly hanging out, please for the love of all that is holy just take it out so someone else doesn’t have to lug it out after 3 days.
• Overall, when in doubt, just make the kitchen appear as if you were never there in the first place. Pretend you are a ghost in this office — a beautiful, talented, glowing, tidy-ass ghost.

For fox sake, Just don’t mess up everyone else’s coffee game.

HOW TO BATHROOM

• If you’re a guy using the girl’s bathroom, that’s cool with us girls, but please be mindful of leaving behind evidence (re: pee drips).
• If you have a hard time stuffing your used bathroom paper towels and other artifacts into the trash can, that’s probably because it’s full. If it’s full, please take 30 seconds to replace the bin with a new liner.

HOW TO GENERALLY OFFICE

• If you look at something and think Hmm, that sure looks messy, the logical thing to do next is clean it.
• If you have a surplus of crumbs around your desk area, sweep that shit up. We don’t have mice or bugs around here, but we’re not trying to invite them in, either.
• How you keep your desk is ultimately up to you (to an extent), but reducing clutter, cups, coins, loose papers, etc. always makes a better impression than the alternative. After all, this is an open office and our desk space is one shared dojo.
• If you’re the last person to leave for the evening, turn the lights off. While we don’t explicitly pay utilities around here, the lights burn out quickly when they’re left on all the time. For some reason Molly, one of the shortest and clumsiest people in the office, normally ends up changing them by climbing on top of a precariously arranged pile of objects. If we want to be leaving lights on overnight for an inviting touch or for some other reason, we probably need to invest in LED bulbs first.