The Cast of “Mad Men” by Astrological Sign

Several years ago, a friend of mine was going on her first long-haul flight. Her significant other asked me to write something she could read to occupy the time so that she wouldn’t be bored. Knowing we were both “Mad Men” mega-fans and astrology enthusiasts, I wrote this.

Now that we all have time to kill, I thought why not share this piece of demented fanfic-cum-character-analysis with the world? Writing it really helped me understand the characters and their motivations at a deeper level, too. I hope it teaches you just as much about astrology and “Mad Men” characters as it taught me.

[N.B. after I wrote this, I realized the internet’s favorite horoscope writer, Susan Miller, once did Don, Joan and Peggy’s actual birth charts for Paper mag. Turns out I guessed all their signs incorrectly based on their actual birthdays, but I still think I’m right. The Mad Men writers probably gave them arbitrary birthdays that had nothing to do with astrology. The signs I picked are better, so don’t read the Susan Miller.]

ARIES

Glen Bishop: Aries
Say what you want about Glen Bishop; the little creep knows what the frig he wants and he goes for it like a bat out of hell. Just like the ram that signifies his star sign, if Glen has a crush on someone, then by George he will walk in on them while they’re peeing (Betty) or creepily manage to be in the vicinity on the day of their first period (Sally). He also says inappropriate and borderline rude things, like, all the time without realizing it. Even after he says it, he still doesn’t realize it was awkward! Classic Aries.

Roger Sterling: Aries
Roger is the kind of Aries who says what he means 24/7, but he’s also so charming that even if he insults you, you’d almost thank him for it? He’s cocky af, and he always gets exactly what he wants. The only thing that’s not Aries-esque about him is that he’s pretty much the laziest guy on the show. He was born into privilege and he seemingly never felt any pressure to work for it. Still, I have a feeling he worked a bit harder when he was younger and just allows himself to coast now because he knows he can. Still, he’s assertive, blunt, and the life of the party, so I consider him an Aries.

TAURUS

Henry Francis: Taurus
Henry is the boring kind of Taurus: dependable, nice, trustworthy, drama-free. His home is a literal castle — a scary Gothic castle, but a castle. And he’s definitely stuck in his ways. Why else would he hang out with his mom all the time? The most interesting thing Henry ever did was marry a divorcée with three kids, and even that was borne out of a responsible desire to provide for people who needed him. Henry is the consummate dull bull — and he’s also so predictable that his mentally hyperactive wife Betty won’t drive herself insane trying to figure him out like she did with Don. Not a bad quality in a husband.

Sylvia Rosen: Taurus
How ironic that someone whose sign is associated with home would end up WRECKING ONE. Some Taureans *seem* super basic and boring on the surface, but they are actually sex psychos who only take a break from banging so they can eat. Ding ding ding, Sylvia! Did Sylvia EVER leave her house, except ONE TIME to eat Italian food? And another time to go bang in a hotel, which is just a temporary house? No. How do you even cheat on your husband when you don’t leave the house? She probably has an affair with every hottie that moves into their building. Kind of a goal. Sylvia is a stubborn, life-ruining, homebody Taurus and she loves it.

GEMINI

Don Draper: Gemini
Is this even a question? Gemini is the sign of duality and Don is constantly vacillating between extremes. He can go from being as megalomaniacal as Kanye West to as self-loathing as Rob Kardashian in less than a single episode. Sometimes he feels like the king of the world, other times he’s literally paying a woman to smack his face during sad bachelor sex in his sad bachelor pad. And not only is he metaphorically two-faced, but he literally has two names: Dick Whitman and his post-war alter ego, Don Draper. Also, he’s a complete narcissist. He’s so self-involved he can’t even bring himself to apologize to his child daughter for, Idk, banging the neighbor in front of her face. The writers could not have made him more of a Gemini if they TRIED.

Megan Calvet: Gemini
First, let me say this: Megan might be a Pisces rising. She’s happy to be perceived as the ultimate support system for Don in the beginning of their relationship, literally acting like a younger female version of him to boost his ego. And she continues to display this easy-going nature in all of her first meetings with people; that’s why they tend to trust her and I think it’s also how she gets ingenue roles. But a true Pisces would be happy to serve as someone else’s support system for life, so as not to rock the boat. As we get to know Megan, we realize she’s actually incredibly independent and as soon as she gains your trust, she’ll let her true colors show. She’ll never be happy in an office job, and once she acquires the material comforts (read: rich husband NOT THAT THERE’S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT) she needs for survival, she feels free to pursue her original dream of acting.

As Megan’s true personality emerges, we realize she actually is exactly like Don, just not in the way we thought. Just like him, she’s a chameleon: she walks into a room and determines which identity is the best fit for that situation, and adapts herself to fit it. They’re both incredibly cunning survivors who will do whatever it takes to get what they want. But Megan has the upper hand in their relationship because Don shows his cards (his fake identity) too early. It takes him a while to realize she’s been putting on a front. Think about it: the only other sign mutable enough to move to California and instantly transform from a prim and proper secretary into a sex-bomb flower child would be a Pisces — but they’d do it unconsciously. With Megan, every single thing she does is calculated. Just like Don, Megan is a smooth criminal whose motives and intentions you can never really pin down.

CANCER

Faye Miller: Cancer
Faye gets more and more embarrassing the more you watch “Mad Men.” It’s not her fault — it’s just that Don brings out her worst Cancer traits. She has it all together professionally, but emotionally and personally, she’s a total doormat. Like so many Cancers, she is mostly wishy-washy. But once in a while, she’ll cling to an opinion and beat it into the ground. Like that one episode when she feels a need to announce to Don in her “serious voice” that she doesn’t have children… um, sweetie, he knows! No need for a sermon! Then there’s the time Don’s having an anxiety attack and he insults her and asks her to leave, but she won’t stop trying to take care of him. She’s just trying to be nice and helpful, but she needs to go dump her emotions on someone who will be happy to have them! Still, like I said, she has her career on lock: her emotional intelligence makes her great at her job. She just never should have dated an inscrutable hard-ass like Don. She needs a guy who’s more emo and understanding of her complex inner life. She’d be a COMPLETELY different character in a spinoff that focused on her own wants and needs, but in “Mad Men,” we have to view a lot of the female characters through the lens of Don’s emotional constipation, so Faye feels a little tragic. It’s not her fault!

Marie Calvet: Cancer
Cancers are highly intuitive, emotional and borderline psychic. And while Marie Calvet isn’t emotional or sensitive in the way we normally perceive it (sad, maudlin, codependent, etc.), she basically makes every single decision in her life based on what her emotions are telling her to do. What do you think motivated her to give Roger a beej at an awards show, logic?! Not likely. She’s a prickly, standoffish hot-head and although she’s incredibly independent, she’s also a major romantic. She makes being an emotionally driven Cancer look good instead of cringe-inducing.

Greg Harris: Cancer
Joan’s husband is a horribly adjusted Cancer. Cancers love to be care-takers, but he loves it in a narcissistic way; his desire to care for Joan manifests as dangerous, abusive control issues — and once he gets a chance to serve a larger care-taking role as an Army doctor, he basically throws his marriage away. His desire to provide care comes from a totally selfish place, and he expects his wife to just sit around and wait while he lives out his manly man fantasy, which he’s disguised as some sort of higher calling. He’s also extremely emotional and obviously can’t handle pressure; that’s why he had to join the Army in the first place! The regular hospitals didn’t want him because he was a baby! Screw this guy.

LEO

Joan Harris, née Holloway: Leo
Joan is not a Leo; Leos are Joans. I mean, come on — Joan clearly functions best when she’s the center of attention. She slays it at the beginning of a relationship, but when the the mundanity sets in and the initial worship begins to dissipate, she’s out. Joan thrives in a 1960s office environment because the men are permitted to ogle her and she is allowed to openly enjoy and revel in it. She’s happy to be a hood ornament in early seasons, but don’t get it twisted!!! She also runs things — and not in a covert, behind-the-scenes way. Everybody knows she’s in charge, even the men, and they’re fine with it 95% of the time. Plus, her hair is spectacular — duh, she’s a Leo. But in later seasons, even as she continues to develop as a human, she shows that beyond her amazing hair and love of attention (not that there’s anything wrong with that!), she also has the confidence and gravitas to be the queen of the jungle!!!

Lee Garner Jr.: Leo

Lee Garner Jr. is a bad Leo. He’s arrogant, cocky, and born on third but thinks he hit a triple. He may be the life of the party, but he’s a quintessential party-friend. You’d never wanna hang out with him sober. Leos who are born rich are fun once in a while, but usually sociopaths.

VIRGO

Sally Draper: Virgo
I almost made Sally a Scorp like her mom, because she’s dark, stubborn and low-key brave. But she has never exhibited Betty’s Scorpionic follow-through, which is so useful for ruining lives and achieving one’s dreams. Instead, Sally is incredibly self-sacrificing. This is why I consider her a Virgo. Virgos are also hard to read, and they tend to overthink things. They also hate to be let down and love to hold a grudge — remember how Sally wouldn’t speak to her dad for months after she caught him banging the neighbor? Most kids would just pretend it never happened, but not Sal. She will take that to her grave, no matter how many years of therapy she gets in the ’80s. Virgos also tend to spread themselves too thin and take on too many responsibilities — and we all watched with sadness as Sally became a surrogate mother to her dopey little bros after the divorce. Sorry, Sally, I wish you were a Scorpio, maybe you’ll grow into it.

Beth Dawes: Virgo
Beth Dawes is one of those “Mad Men” characters who probably should’ve been a leader, but wound up sentenced to a lifetime of following because of the way things worked in mid-century America. If Beth had been permitted to have a career or even a hobby early in life, she probably would’ve been a lot more well-adjusted. But it was the ’60s and she was forced to resign herself to a lifetime of housewifery. Virgos love to learn new things and improve their lives, but when they don’t have a release for all that mental energy, they can’t deal. For a Virgo whose cogs are turning nonstop, being a housewife is like a death sentence. Beth had nowhere to place her mental energy, so she became supremely depressed. Plus, her husband was a dick.

LIBRA

Lane Pryce: Libra
Lane’s not a leader, but he’s not wishy-washy: his entire function in life is to keep things in balance, so I’d call him a Libra. His job is literally to balance the books at SCDP, and he also steps into the role of peacemaker and advice-giver when it comes to office squabbles. He’s happy to stay in the background and do the math that will enable everyone to be happy — even at home, where he rarely argues with his wife, preferring to let her do her thing even if it means being separated by an ocean for long stretches of time. He meets an untimely end when he fails to keep his personal finances in balance, after embezzling from the company and getting caught for it. What could be more Libran than offing yourself because your checkbook didn’t add up? Poor Lane, we barely knew ye!

Pete Campbell: Libra
Libran traits include diplomacy and fair-mindedness, and there were several instances when Pete was actually the only person to stand up for the underdog in matters of race, equality and civil rights. But on the flip side, Librans who are out of balance can justify anything to themselves — like when Pete cheats on Perfect Human Trudy in later seasons. Thankfully, though, he comes to his senses and restores balance to both his soul and his family life when he returns to Trudy in the end. On his worst days, Pete Campbell is a grimy little pimp, yes, but he’s also kind of a moralist. And Libras are often just generally annoying in my experience, which fits Pete to a tee.

SCORPIO

Betty Francis, née Hofstadt, formerly Draper: Scorpio
It’s no secret that Betty is deeper than anyone ever gave her credit for. SHE’S NOT STUPID; SHE SPEAKS ITALIAN. She’s also very calculating, in a way that was necessary for women in the 1960s. Betty knows damn well that she’s only as wealthy, successful and respectable as whoever her current husband happens to be. So as soon as she realizes Don’s a fraud, she starts planting the Henry seed. Scorpios are also incredibly emotional, but sometimes their own psyches are so ass-backwards that they can’t even acknowledge that they’re having negative feelings. Remember when Betty had an internal meltdown because Sally’s psychiatrist said she didn’t need to see Sally anymore, and recommended that Betty see a shrink of her own? Betty literally could not fathom that she herself needed some mental help, and instead continued to insist that it was her kid, not her, that needed it. Ass-backwards! January Jones got a lot of criticism for being an allegedly bad actress, because she could be tough to read. Um, NAH FISH, Betty’s just a Scorpio, they’re enigmatic as hell, and Jan did the damn thing. The only time Scorpios are easy to read is when they’re completely losing it but pretending to be in control. Scorpios and Virgos are the only two signs that will be like, “I’M FINE! I’M FINE! I’M FINE!” and truly believe it while literally everyone in a 10-mile radius can tell they’re having a complete meltdown. The only thing that’s not super-Scorpy about Betty is that she seems like a sexual nonentity when Scorpios are supposed to be sexually bananas. But that bizarre monologue about Henry raping Sally’s violin friend shows there’s a whole lot of psycho stuff simmering beneath the surface of her Stepford Wife exterior. I will say she’s also 100% a Capricorn rising, because her look and vibe when you first meet her are Capricorn to the max.

SAGITTARIUS

Bert Cooper: Sagittarius
A lot of Sagittarians seem really happy-go-lucky but they’re actually dicks. Bert Cooper fits this profile perfectly: he seems like the kooky war vet grandpa who’s just weirdly obsessed with Asian culture. But then you realize, whoa, he strongly dislikes black people, and damn, maybe that Asian decor thing was a colonialist fetish. Seeming like a jolly little sprite but harboring mucho dark feelings in secret? Very Sagittarius. And, like a Sag, he’s resourceful: he managed to start an ad agency and live a relatively normal life despite a truly chaotic war injury.

Ken Cosgrove: Sagittarius
Sagittarians are all about learning new things and shooting those stupid arrows at whatever they feel like trying that day. The thing is, though, just because you shot the arrow doesn’t mean you went and picked up the thing it killed. If you don’t go pick it up, then all you did was half-assedly mess something up from afar. If Kenny was a sign with a little more perseverance than the Sag, maybe he would’ve been able to quit Sterling Cooper and become a writer full-time. Or a tap-dancer, even. Or at least made some kind of choice before he lost a damn eye. Sagittarians can be flighty and noncommittal, and Alex Mack’s bae fits that to a tee.

Midge: Sagittarius
Midge might be an artsy flower child, but she’s not stable enough to hack it without some sort of rich benefactor. If you want to be artistic and avoid a 9-to-5, you either need an external support system (money) or an internal one (being an earth sign). Midge has neither of these, so it’s no surprise she ends up spiraling and, dare we say, flaming out, which makes her most likely a fire sign. I’d consider her a Sagittarius. She’s vibrant and exciting and wants to live life to the fullest, but she can be careless and tactless and, like other Sags, she lacks follow-through and gets bored when everything doesn’t immediately go to plan. Sadly for Midge, the party can’t continue forever, so things don’t quite work out. If she’d had a better support system, she could have thrived.

CAPRICORN

Peggy Olson: Capricorn
Capricorns are ambitious, disciplined, patient, darkly funny, pessimistic, self-sacrificing — so Peggy. Peggy is completely unforgiving and a perfectionist. You might want to redeem her by insisting that the worst victim of her perfectionism is herself. But remember when she got herself a team of underlings? She treated them almost as bad as Don treated her. That’s the way it goes for Capricorns: they believe everyone’s lot in life is to tolerate borderline emotional abuse until you work your way into a position where you can abuse people yourself. It’s the circle of life! BTW, according to some website, the trademark Capricorn look is “neutral, ordinary, and sobering.” Bingo, Peg!!!

Mona Sterling: Capricorn
Capricorns do not suffer fools gladly. Once a Capricorn can tell you’re full of crap, you’re dead to them forever. Mona was probably initially attracted to Roger because of his what-you-see-is-what-you-get vibe. But once he had a midlife crisis and cheated with his secretary, Mona was like, “This? Really? You’re doing this?” and bounced. More evidence of her practical Capricorn nature: when her daughter ran away to join the hippies, all she could really do was roll her eyes at her idiot kid, while rolling up her sleeves to take care of the baby her daughter had left behind. Mona is not here for your BS; she is a textbook Capricorn.

AQUARIUS

Trudy Campbell: Aquarius
It might seem weird for a prototypical housewife to fall under what’s considered to be the most youthful, alternative birth sign, but hear me out. Trudy was radical in her own ways. As evidenced by their infamous dance moves at Roger’s BBQ, Trudy and Pete’s relationship was fully equal: she was happy to support him where he needed it, but she also made it clear that she was his equal, and even his superior at home. Plus, she always spoke up when he was pissing her off. Aquarians are leaders, but they’re not cocky about it like an Aries or Leo. Trudy focuses her get-it-done spirit on crafting the perfect life for her family. She’s also the life of the party and a social whiz, orchestrating dinner parties to inch her husband’s career along and increase their standing in the neighborhood, while also being the perfect guest at any party herself. Trudy knows how to make people comfortable in any situation, but she’s far from a doormat. Even when Pete loses his damn mind and leaves her for California, she springs into action to create the perfect chic suburban divorcée life for herself. I wasn’t even mad when she took Pete back, because you just knew she’d fully thought it through and it was going to be on her own terms, you know? Despite being extremely non-woke, is Trudy one of the most well-adjusted Aquarii ever? I think so.

Harry Crane: Aquarius
Harry might seem like a stick-in-the-mud earth sign, just because of his general vibe. He’s probably a Virgo or Taurus rising. But! His sun sign is def Aquarius. Think about what he did with his boring ad agency job: he convinced the bosses to let him start a TV department, and later, move to California so he could hobnob with celebs. He is actually one of the most entrepreneurial and creative people on the show, despite how annoying and dull he comes across.

Michael Ginsberg: Aquarius
Aquarians are highly intellectual and creative deep thinkers, and Michael Ginsberg is clearly from another planet, so this fits him. He’s a total Aquarius who can’t stand boredom, and has to turn even the smallest task into the Olympics of personal achievement. Aquarians also shy away from genuine emotional expression — does he ever admit to feeling an emotion? He’s also one of those weird people who never laughs at someone else’s joke, which can be a total Aquarius thing.

Abe Drexler: Aquarius
I almost don’t want to make Abe an Aquarius because he’d be too pleased with himself. But I don’t make the rules, and he’s a total Aquarius. Aquarians can be obsessed with changing the world, to the point that they often neglect their home life: Abe has a vision of himself as this amaaaaazing earth-shattering reporter. While he’s chasing that dream, he totally ignores everything Peggy wants — not in an outwardly rude or neglectful way, just in a blissful “I’m a dude and it’s 1968, let the broad figure it out!” way. All this despite portraying himself as a total woke bae. Ugh, isn’t he just the ultimate faux male feminist?! Also I just realized he’s the Jack Berger of Mad Men. And I have a crush on both of them! Don’t even want to know what that means.

PISCES

Ted Chaough: Pisces
Ted is a hopelessly flailing Pisces who is meant to be someone else’s support system — but Leo or Aries must be his rising sign, because Ted’s pretttttty sure he’s a born leader, and to be fair, I thought he was too when he first came on the scene, too. His name might be on the sign at CGC, but he functions best in service of his business partners and even his underlings. Plus, Ted’s wife clearly wears the pants in their relationship — this is not a Pete-Trudy power duo situation. It seems like Ted gets little to no say at home, and he likes it that way. Even his hobby, flying planes, is a metaphor for his astrological confusion: he thinks flying makes him a leader like a Roger or a Don. But in reality, an airline pilot is just a fancy version of a bus driver. You might think you’re there for your own satisfaction, but your purpose is really to transport passengers. Ted is destined to always serve in a position of support, and he gets in trouble whenever he tries to take the lead or subvert norms, like in his affair with Peggy. He’s so embarrassing.

Stan Rizzo: Pisces
With Stan, Peggy finally hit the Pisces jackpot. Stan LOVES to go with the flow, and you can just tell that like so many other Pisces, he really needs a significant other to stabilize him, even if he doesn’t realize it at first. In fact, he’s flailing a lot in early seasons, because he might not have a good sense of his own personality. He comes across as a macho douchebag early on, but I’ll chalk that up to his go-with-the-flow, mutable nature: he sees dudes around him at work behaving like cads, so he decides to try that personality on for size. He eventually grows out of it, though, and becomes the sensitive artist he was meant to be. He becomes Peggy’s main source of comfort without even trying, and he’s a great communicator. Stan is such a cutie! I wish he was my boyfriend. I also almost made him a Leo, but I don’t think a Capricorn (Peggy) and a Leo can ever really be compatible. By the time they get together, Stan is ecstatic to play second-fiddle to Peggy, and no Leo would stand for that.