April 7, 2016

Death hits again.

I recently wrote a piece speaking of my grandpas decline in health, with death closely following. It’s something I’ve been struggling with internally for months. Death in general has hit close to home for me.

At the age of 11 my Aunt was diagnosed with cancer. I watched her wither away to nothing. We watched her stop fighting, we watched her plan her own funeral, we watched her sort through her things and pick out treasures for each family member. I was given one of her rings after her death, which I wear everyday and never take off. 7 years since her death and I have only taken it off once due to a crack in the band. One time I went swimming in the ocean and it fell off, sinking down onto the ocean floor. Somehow I miraculously was able to find it. Whenever I am about to go on stage to perform, I twist it around my finger to remind myself she is there on stage with me.

Following my Aunt, my great grandma succumbed to alzheimer’s. Once again, watching her health dwindle down to nothing, finally coming to the point where I went to her hospital bed to say goodbye. The following day she passed. We witnessed her losing her mind slowly; seeing people who weren’t actually there. Forgetting who her own family was. I wonder to this day if she knew we weren’t just a bunch of strangers huddled around her saying goodbye.

A year later my great grandpa, her husband, fell sick as well. He didn’t stick around as long after being diagnosed. I think he knew his wife of 60 years was up there waiting for him. He wasn’t fighting to stay around any longer. At my great grandma’s funeral he said something that stuck with me. They were lowering her casket into the ground when my fragile, weak, sobbing great grandpa looked down and whispered, “Thank you for the best 60 years. I will see you again and we will be together. I love you.”

A year after that a student in my grade was involved in a car accident because he had a seizure while driving. He died the next day after his family pulled life support. Our high school was not the same for months. Seeing friends cry in the halls who you’ve never seen not laughing. Seeing teachers break down while teaching a lesson. It is life changing witnessing a peer pass.

My sisters best friend, K, was driving with her mom to the store when K’s mom had a sudden heart attack in the car. K pulled into a CVS to meet an ambulance but passed away before they got there.A 17 year old had to sit in the car alone and watch her mother die. How do you come out of that? We watched it tear the family apart. The funeral was anything but peaceful.

Last year I received a call from my mom that our close family friend had died in his sleep while babysitting. Out of the blue. No one saw it coming. I couldn’t make it home for the funeral and I regret it.

Last month the head of my vocal department at school passed away. She was ill but we all thought she just needed rest. She took the week off to recuperate, and never came back. The voice department is in shambles.

Yesterday a friend from home reached out to tell me his mom had passed away. And i’m not sure how to feel. Am I numb from experiencing so many deaths already? Is this just how life goes? I feel like every few months someone new is leaving this world and it’s draining to keep saying goodbye when i’m not prepared.

Life is precious.