December Horoscopes!

So, I kinda forgot to write a horoscope this month. You can blame that on Mercury-goddamn-Retrograde which is a real thing that totally screws up your life. It starts on the 3rd, but it’s never too early to start safeguarding your household.

While there’s a lot of things you shouldn’t do during this period, it’s a great time to find the comfiest bed you know of, bury yourself deep within it, and think about what you’ve done this year, cause let’s be honest, you’ve done some real stupid shit this year.

So what does this mean for you, you lil’ hot mess you?

Well, if you’re a Fire sign (that’s Aries, Leo and Sagittarius): take this month to chill the hell out. You’ve spent this year being super judgy and opinionated and honestly, all we want for X-mas is for you to calm the fuck down. Watch out for political arguments and undercooked chicken. Both show up the weekend of the 15th.

If you’re a Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn Earth-y sign, you’ve tried you best to stay practical, the voice of reason perhaps — but it’s also made you EXTREMELY boring. No one has said so yet but do you have any idea how many parties you weren’t invited too? (It’s more than 5.) Anyway you’ll feel like spending big after some extra cash comes your way, but make sure to double-check the fine print on and big purchases you may make.

The Air signs Gemini, Libra, Aquarius are very thoughtful, which isn’t totally a terrible thing but with you… well, it kinda is. The silent type is mysterious for only so long and would it KILL YOU to make a solid decision once in a while? You’re just too wishy washy. Don’t forget to check your neighbor’s mail by the way, or else you may cause a home invasion situation. Expect a new love interest in time for the new year!

And lastly, Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces, the water signs — GROW A PAIR. You’re too sensitive, too emotional. And sometimes when you let all logic fall by the wayside and just, like, cry all the time? It’s kinda uncomfortable to watch TBH. The good news is your month is gonna be quite chill, so you might be able to NOT cry all the time. Just keep one of those mini-Kleenex packets with you, just in case.

Well losers, that’s it for now. I’ll see you in the new year which, may I remind you, will be total shit. TOODLES!

If you liked your horoscope this month, why not LOVE it? ❤

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Morgan S is a writer that may or may not know the future. She has always lived in Brooklyn and definitely has a complex about it. She likes the idea of cats, but doesn’t have any.