I SCREAM, YOU SCREAM, WE ALL SCREAM FOR AUGUST HOROSCOPES

It’s August already, and if you’re anything like me, you can’t wait for this humid, stinking trashcan of a month to be over so we can enjoy fall. But how to proceed till then? Scroll on down to see your sweet-ass horoscope.

Aries, March 21 — April 19
Rocky Road
, you may have expected August to be pretty predictable, but GUESS AGAIN!? Obstacles ahead will get in the way. Embrace the bumpy ride and the whiplash. You may just find the marshmallowy goodness.

Taurus, April 20 — May 20
Oh so Strawberry, you are a bit traditional, but have been known to throw a curveball once in awhile. This month, people have been spreading rumors about how your personality seems a bit artificial. Prove to them how complex you really are.

Gemini, May 21 — June 20
Like Butter Pecan, a warning — some people have made up their minds about you without even getting to know you. THAT SUCKS. But don’t sweat it. Good news on the 10th will make you feel rich. Just don’t overdo it!

Cancer, June 21 — July 22
Traditional Vanilla. Good ol’ Cancer. People find you a reliable, but don’t often give you a second thought. Well this month don’t let them overlook you. Mix it up, show them that you aren’t as average as you appear.

Leo, July 23 — August 22
Like Peanut Butter, you’re the cool kid on the block. You’re the go-to on the latest tech and you are definitely kicking ass at this Pokemon Go thing. But the week of the 21st, put down the pokeball and let loose. You may find your perfect match.

Virgo, August 23 — September 22
Neapolitan,
cheer up, you have something to offer everyone this month. Being helpful not your thing? Too effin’ bad! But anyway, let your nurturing side shine, especially during the last week of the month. Karma is sweet.

Libra, September 23 — October 21
You’re Rainbow Sherbet. You’ve been feeling a bit nostalgic for your childhood lately, but if you take on childish activities this summer — remember how dumb you’ll look talking about Lisa Frank and Pokemon. Get a grip, ADULT.

Scorpio, October 22 — November 21
If you’re Rum Raisin, a mix of clashing ideas may make you sound like an effing freak, but it’s a great way to find out who your real friends are. Appearance is everything the week of the 14th so it may be wise to keep your eccentricities in check.

Sagittarius, November 22 — December 21
Like Mint Chocolate Chip, someone’s feeling chipper this summer! But you’re more than just everyone else’s cheerleader. Take the time to show off your deep, mysterious side. A special someone will find the combination irresistible.

Capricorn, December 22 — January 19
Such a Mocha. You are an ADULT, with grown up tastes, but some people are getting a less than sweet impression of you. If you’ve been acting a bit bitter, showing another side of yourself might bring some much needed “good vibez.”

Aquarius, January 20 — February 18
You are Phish Food. PLEASE STOP SHOWING UP HIGH TO FAMILY REUNIONS!

Pisces, February 19 — March 20
Oh Froyo, You’re feeling pretty good about yourself: popular, in-demand. But deep down inside you know you’re pretty damn basic, and no matter how many sparkles or sprinkles you add — it’s all just filler.