Whose car is that???!?!

It’s 2018, and don’t worry, there’s plenty of great bullshit coming your way. “What could possibly be worse than 2017?” you ask? Oh baby don’t even get me started! But let’s not spoil the surprises of this year just yet. Ease into it nice and slow with your sad ol’ January horoscopes!

Aries, March 21 — April 19 
You’re usually the first one to make a snarky comment but you just aren’t feeling it right now. Perhaps it’s for the best, because no one thinks you’re particularly funny anyway. This month, keep an eye out for suspicious meat, food poisoning may occur during the 22nd. Lunch wisely!

Taurus, April 20 — May 20 
You just can’t let things go, can you? Ever since you were a kid, you’ve been super competitive and love to rub things in people’s faces when they least expect it. They all said you’d get yours, and well — January is that month. See if you can take it as well as you dish it out.

Gemini, May 21 — June 20 
You’re pretty good at communication, but you can’t seem to get what you want at your job. And while you want to be an ideal employee and solve this by working even HARDER, you honestly need to GTFO of that suckhole. They just don’t appreciate you like I do babe.

Cancer, June 21 — July 22 
People would normally describe you as “pretty chill,” but mostly because you tend to hold in all your feelings. Unless you’re looking forward to having a massive nervous breakdown later on this month, learn to deal with those feeling. Get some therapy and maybe a nice massage.

Leo, July 23 — August 22 
Be careful about taking credit for someone else’s work. It’s not nice! This is not the month for changing careers. It’s not the month to sign any contracts. It’s not the month to buy and new clothes or make any investments, either. Try not to leave the house if you can help it.

Virgo, August 23 — September 22 
A stopped drain, a ceiling lamp missing its fixture, an old 401k waiting to be rolled over. Everywhere you look, there’s something to fix, which is a pretty shitty start to the year. But let your anal side show! (NO NOT THAT ONE) and nip it in the bud. You’ll be able to sleep at night.

Libra, September 23 — October 21 
You are usually so content to ~*~be~*~ but lately you’ve been feeling a bit antsy. Something is uncomfortable. Something’s wrong. Maybe it’s something in the air, but perhaps it’s because your hurtling towards 30 and have done NOTHING with your life. And you aren’t getting any younger.

Scorpio, October 22 — November 21
Did anyone ever tell you that you have very broad shoulders? Perhaps you’ve noticed them already yourself when you had trouble putting on a smartly tailored blazer. Don’t feel bad. Some people have the upper body of an ogre and turned out just fine. No one can judge you! (To your face.)

Sagittarius, November 22 — December 21
I get you are super in tune with the universe and shit but dude, you have to stop telling people they have “beautiful souls.” I mean THANKS, i’m flattered but it’s a little bit creepy. Everyone knows souls are a load of bullshit anyway. XOXO

Capricorn, December 22 — January 19
Don’t try to accomplish too much this month.. Like, if you’re doing one of those things they do on sitcoms where you go on two dates at the same time and have to keep running between them both but then they find out because you’ve forgotten which date you’re on. Those episodes aren’t even funny.

Aquarius, January 20 — February 18
A co-worker is looking to steamroll you this month, so watch out. They could erase files from your computer. They may FWD a scandalous email to the whole office. They MAY even try to open the stall door while you are in there doing #2. All very humiliating. All quite possible. STAY VIGILANT!

Pisces, February 19 — March 20 
Remember a while back I said “Hey dumdum, don’t be so sentimental?” Well, great job at listening but you’ve taken it too far and become a heartless sonovabitch. Yeah, you’ve become everything you rolled your eyes at! Ya gotta strike a balance. We’ll work on this in 2018.

If you liked your horoscope this month, why not LOVE it? ❤

>> Follow me on Twitter for some non-astrological sadness.
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>> Check out my postcard blog, Glad You’re Not Here!
>> Find out where I am and send me money! J/K weirdos.

Morgan S is a writer that may or may not know the future. She has always lived in Brooklyn and definitely has a complex about it. She likes the idea of cats, but doesn’t have any.