Can you believe I’m still writing this shit?
Aries, March 21 — April 19
Aries, expect some surprises in your relationship this month. I’m not saying you’ll break up — but I mean, that’s always a possibility, isn’t it? If you’re in a relationship — this is all your fault. If you’re single, trust your gut. But only where relationships are involved. It’s never a good idea to text and drive, ya dum!
Taurus, April 20 — May 20
You’ve been absent-minded as hell lately. You could say you’re wondering what it all means. News flash Taurus, life is what happens when you aren’t paying attention. That is a famous saying! Pay attention and live your best life. You’ll figure out what it all means when you’re dead. Which is soon!
Gemini, May 21 — June 20
Gemini my friend, someone is writing some gnarly shit about you on Twitter. I mean, have you seen it? But don’t let it get to you. This is your temper being put to the test. Just get over it. So a few people think you drink your own piss because you think it gives you a more youthful appearance? Don’t we all sorta believe that but are too afraid to give it a try?
Cancer, June 21 — July 22
So spring is here and hormones are flaring (ew. what?) and emotions are flowing (I guess). I know that’s kinda your thing. But heartbreak is in the air, Cancer, so proceed with caution and act with your BRAIN. Try not to be so sensitive sometimes. Ya big mush.
Leo, July 23 — August 22
Is it fucked up that no one at the office wants to hear your DJ set from last night? Is it rude when no one answers your 7th text this morning? Did people have the audacity to leave your group text? Take a seat Leo because it’s honesty hour — you’re not being persecuted, you’re just an asshole.
Virgo, August 23 — September 22
Mercury ends its retrograde early May and you know what that means: everything’s bad, awful, fucked up, don’t even bother leaving your house. Naturally, those around you are feeling just as anxious and bitchy, so make sure to make small talk ONLY. No politics and no religion. Just for a week tho.
Libra, September 23 — October 21
The world would be great if it was fair, but it isn’t. Woman aren’t always paid equally. People that are good looking are not very smart and for some reason, donuts make you fat even though they are god’s most perfect creation. You can always resist in small ways — negotiate raises, date a butter face, eat donuts and learn to love stretch pants.
Scorpio, October 22 — November 21
Birthdays, weddings, vacations. Juggling social gatherings has you spread pretty thin. Make sure you’re getting enough sleep, because you could end up losing your cool — or worse — your credit card! Starting a helpful habit like daily exercise, or just remembering your wallet can help!
Sagittarius, November 22 — December 21
It’s all good vibes and sunshine until the second Thursday of the month. On that afternoon, an earth sign will pick a fight with you over the last grain bowl at your local lunch spot. I know, what a stupid reason to get into a fight — but isn’t like much of your life? Think about it?!?!
Capricorn, December 22 — January 19
People have been joking that you’re “PMS-ing Hardcore” this month, but A) That’s some sexist bullshit and B) It’s just not true. It’s good to let your feelings out sometimes — but not too much. You make this disaster of a face when you ugly cry and wow it’s really unfortunate.
Aquarius, January 20 — February 18
Your ruling planet, Uranus (hahahahahah) clashes with Venus — meaning you may be losing some money this month. This is why you must always watch the placement of Uranus. Hahahah. Sorry. Too easy. Look out for a money-hungry Prices, as they might be the culprit!
Pisces, February 19 — March 20
Now that the planets align for success and money, you may find yourself in the black if you play your cards right (literally or figuratively). The payout isn’t easy, and don’t forget your priorities — loans should always come before that brand new slow cooker. Although have you seen the new Magic Pot (TM)?
See you next month, suckers!
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Morgan S is a writer that may or may not know the future. She has always lived in Brooklyn and definitely has a complex about it. She likes the idea of cats, but doesn’t have any.