November Horoscopes

Aries, March 21 — April 19
A headstrong Aries will come charging into the month, but be careful you don’t get too aggressive when it comes to the little things. Everyone around you is on eggshells, because as we know, THANKSGIVING IS THE WORST, so take the opportunity to spread some good vibes, or at least a firm handshake here or there. Don’t give into any impulse buys until the end of the month (sales are better then anyway) and definitely stay away from purchasing cotton. A little surprise hits you on the 17th, so look out!

Taurus, April 20 — May 20
How DO you mend a broken heart, Taurus? You should have one last ugly cry over a pint of AmeriCone Dream but after that, let’s put on some pants and leave the couch. Trust me on this, it’s like a scab, and if you keep looking at it, keep picking at it, it’s gonna get all gross and pussy and the scar will remind you of how foolish you acted in that moment. Smear some Shea butter on that bitch and go dancing. It’s gonna be just fine. Your lucky numbers: 23, 24, 25, 26, 3

Gemini, May 21 — June 20
November starts with one very big decision for you, Gemini, but the theme of this month is YES. So SAY YES TO LIFE! And the good karma will come a-rollin’ in, just you see. Something will smash — literally or figuratively on the 10th but don’t let it distract you. Take time to stop and smell the roses, but don’t forget that it is allergy season. Learn some lessons, why don’t ya? But maybe don’t leave the house on the 10th. Just a thought. BTW, great job on that Halloween costume last month.

Cancer June 21 — July 22
We get it, fall is for losers, but can you stop being so crabby? (Hahah, get it?) Seriously, if you open your eyes, you may just find something to love about the season. Especially on the 7th… hint, hint! If you’re single, don’t rush into any new relationships this month. If you’re taken, keep your options open, JUST SAYING. Keep an eye on kitchen appliences on the 26th and be careful of gas leaks. A long lost friend makes a sudden appearance this month.
Lucky number: 9, 12, 27, 40, 41

Leo July 23 — August 22
Hey Leo, last month was like, kind of a bummer, you know? So shake it off. Just like that damn Taylor Swift song. This month, get refreshed: but a new outfit, get your hair done, try a new shampoo — whatever you’re comfortable with! A new face shows up to Thanksgiving dinner but they are not to be trusted, and you definitely shouldn’t make out with them because you may be distantly related. EW. Avoid and impulse buys and shellfish. The 13th is your lucky day!

Virgo, August 23 — September 22
November is looking a bit boring, Virgo, with a career slump edging in hard during the first two weeks. But this isn’t the time to freak the fuck out! Use the gap to slow down and maybe even treat yourself. Why not get back into an old hobby or pick up something totally new. Crochet is totally making a comeback! If all this downtime is still driving you insane by the 23rd, then by all means, make a wild decision that no one will see coming. All will be well by Thanksgiving.

Libra September 23 — October 21
For you Libra, a haiku:
Rustle, autumn leaf
Sitting quiet on the tree
Soon to be swept up.

JUST THINK ABOUT IT, LIBRA.
Lucky day: The 5th

Scorpio October 22 — November 21
Scorpio, if you thought October was pretty good, look out for November ’cause this shit is GRAVY. Things are looking up, especially as you bask in the glow of birthday cake and free birthday stuff. You’ll hit a snag the week of the 16th, but as a cartoon fish once famously said, “Just keep swimming.” Or stinging — cause you’re a Scorpio, get it? If you are going to sign any contracts — the 25th is the lucky day to do it. Things to look out for on the 30th: Jell-O, pit stains, raccoons.

Sagittarius November 22 — December 21
You need to keep it together Sagittarius because you are freaking. Us. Out. November can be stressful, but repeat after us: SILVER LININGS. And we aren’t talking about that movie with JLaw. A case of mistaken identity puts you in the middle of a sticky situation early in the month, but it all straightens itself out by the 22nd. If you’re looking to switch cell phone plans, the 17th is a great day to do it. Make sure to ask about roaming, travel is in your future! Lucky day: Every Wednesday.

Capricorn, December 22 — January 19
We get it Capricorn — you LOOOOVE fall. But some of us are kinda “meh” about it so don’t rub it in our faces. Look out for some good advice on the 15th, especially if you’re not really sure about spending hard-earned money. As far as love and romance go — a warning! Do not make out with another Capricorn, and look out for the initials JS. This will only end in tears and FIRE WTF!?!?! But overall, enjoy the autumn air, jump in some leaves, have a PSL, the world is your oyster for real right now tho.

Aquarius January 20 — February 18
Someone important in your life asked you a question Aquarius, answer it! Taking too long can result in hurt feelings — that we can be sure of. While honesty is always the best policy, be thoughtful. A gift arrives on the 7th — DON’T OPEN IT YET! The moment is right on the 30th. Also, if you were invited to a Thanksgiving dinner, bring something. Candied yams are kind of a neat retro thing, don’t you think? Overall, it’ll be a good month but keep both hands on the wheel PLEASE.

Pisces February 19 — March 20
You’ve may be facing a lot of major decisions this month, fishlady, but don’t get too stressed out so that you break into hives or something. The third week of November brings some big changes into your life — the windows of opportunity are WIDE OPEN so shimmy on out there. The 20th brings wealth into your life, so look for stray money on the street and/or salary increases. Also be careful to not get spaghetti stains on your shirt — especially during the days heading into December.