This Week Sucked But it’s Pastry Week on The Great British Baking Show!

Hello again! It’s been another week of crap. However, The Great British Baking Show remains our steady beacon of hope in this shit-storm. As always, to line this crap cloud with silver, I’ll be hiding the week’s news inside a recap of the most pleasant show ever.

We’re halfway through the season, and we hear from the remaining contestants before the first challenge. Andrew excitedly tells us he wants to be star baker, and yes, of course why else would you be on this show Andrew? Jeez. Rav however, has doubts about his baking ability. This is only the start of his self-deprecation this episode.

We head into the Signature Bake, which is 24 breakfast pastries (a dozen of each kind) done danish style. They have 3 1/2 hours. BAKE!

Everyone informs us that pastries are all about one thing, and that is butter. Layers upon layers of butter and also some time management helps.

Benjamina makes a pastry called “Good Morning America” and I’m not sure why. It has maple syrup and bacon in it so maybe it’s a stereotype thing? I actually do enjoy bacon dipped in maple syrup so I feel personally attacked. I bet they’re good though.

Wanna hear something else bizarre? You can snort chocolate now. Kinda like coke. The company also makes a recreational cough-syrup. Cool.

Jane makes not one, but two different doughs for this challenge which is risky but ballsy, and Candice stands out by making one of her pastries savory. Paul grills her on thee butter being used. It’s all about the butter.

But the fillings are important too! Selasi is making a super tropical duo of danish, and Tom, despite calling his pastries “Mega Breakfast Bonanzas” makes quite non-exciting danish with granola and wheat. C’mon Tom. Bonanza my ass.

No one has made a cheese danish, which I LOVE but now assume is a hack version of the pastry. The contestants all plan to fold theirs into pinwheels, kites and braids. There’s a montage of butter whacking as the bakers laminate their dough.

There’s a real time crunch here, and Rav forgets to make one of his pastries. Val also cuts it very close with her baking time and Candice almost starts a fire. (Actually her oven just smokes up but drama.)

More drama by way of nepotism. Ivanka sat in for her daddy at the G20. People freaked out. Who cares, we’re all doomed!

At least there’s something to laugh about back in TV land. When it comes to judging, many of the bakes are underdone. When the judges tell that to Val, she comes back saying that her family LOVES them that way. Really Val? Highly suspect.
 Last weeks star baker, Benjamina, has flavors that Paul calls “bizarre” but they also like them? It’s too bad they aren’t crisp enough. Rav gets dinged for missing a pastry, but all in all he did a good job. The clear frontrunners were Jane and Candice.

Mary says she expects “sheer perfection” on this weeks Technical so no presh. The challenge is a Bakewell Tart, and Paul informs us it is a “British Classic” that all the bakers should know how to make. I sure as hell have never heard of it! #BaconLovingAmerican.

Mel offers some helpful advice, and says the bakers should use the name as a hint and “bake it well” Gee, thanks Mel.

Too little too late? France is planning to phase out gas and diesel vehicles by 2040. As if there will be anything left by then.

A few of the younger bakers insinuate that while they know what a Bakewell is, the older contestants will have a better go at it. Jeez! But in all honesty, the older bakers do seem a bit more confidant about it, cocky even, when Val announces she makes a Bakewell tart EVERY WEEK. Hopefully that helps when she forgets to read a whole damn page of instructions. I laugh a bit when Sue says to her, “What is a recipe for if not to just totally ignore?” Sue!

The real tragedy however, is when Andrew realizes that his oven isn’t even on, and he’s had his tart in the oven for about 15 minutes and it didn’t even start baking. He’s clearly behind, and barely ices his bake before time’s up. But maybe he shouldn’t worry — these tarts are a fucking mess. Rav’s legit falls apart and most bakers can’t feather icing to save their life. Val’s crust is raw (but obviously she likes it that way) and Mary tells her she’s got a “soggy bottom.” A classic no-no in GBBS history.

Ultimately, Selasi was right, and a seasoned baker is the winner (Jane) with Rav coming in last for the third week in a row. Yikes.

Something else to freak out about: North Korea has long range missiles that could hit Alaska. The president gave them a very stern waning. Hello, wartime.

Finally, we come to the Showstopper. 48(!) phyllo(!) amuse-bouches. I always thought amuse-bouches were a bit fancier — honestly, these are just hors d’oeuvres. Anywho, making phyllo is tough, and even good-time Val says she hates it.

Paul says that even though he has a big mouth, he needs it to be 1” thick. And I have to say Paul, that’s what she said.

All the bakers have their own phyllo method. Val rolls hers with a broom stick, Candice flattens hers with a pasta roller. Andrew has a weird liquid dough, and when they illustrate his parcels, it looks like a scrotum.

Making and folding phyllo looks like a pain in the ass — we see everyone meticulously folding and filling in almost silence. The fillings range from basic bitch to super interesting. Candice puts black pudding in hers, and when preparing the meat, says it’s good to “give your sausage a good squeeze.” Oh the euphemisms! Tom decides to make put steak in his chocolate mousse pastry.

Jesus christ Tom.

Rav and Selasi finish their bakes early, and help the other bakers, proving why this show is the best of all shows. Meanwhile, Val has only baked half of hers. THIS SHIT IS TENSE.

Val isn’t the only one having a bad week. Chris Christie got caught using a beach he closed to everyone else. The news a New Jersey governor is an asshole shocks absolutely no one.

At the end of the challenge, the amuse-bouche bunch isn’t that bad. Tom’s chocolate meat is, as per usual, too weird for Mary and Paul. Selasi’s are good, but dry. Rav saves himself from going home with toned-down-but-still-delightful flavors. Jane’s look and sound great, even if Paul says they are too big. I thought her performance in this weeks challenges would make her star baker, but the title instead goes to Candice and her scrummy bakes.

Val’s however, are underdone. In fact, Mary makes a face while tasting them. She had a rough week, and it sends her packing. In her final interview, Val talks about stirring love into everything she makes. That unfortunately isn’t enough — you got to cook it all the way through, Val!

Did you like Val? I thought she was a bit batty. Let me know if you found that cackle of hers endearing! ❤

>> Follow me on Twitter for some non-baking commentary.
>> Or Instagram, I guess?
>> Check out my postcard blog, Glad You’re Not Here!
>> Find out where I am and send me money! J/K weirdos.

Morgan S unfortunately reads the news but also loves a good bake. She has always lived in Brooklyn and definitely has a complex about it. She likes the idea of cats, but doesn’t have any.