I Died the Day I Became a Mother
The domino effect my infant had on my life.
If I had to describe my experience of becoming a mother for the first time with one word, I’d say “rebirth”. It’s almost as if the day my daughter was born, an older version of me died on the hospital bed. Whoever walked out of the hospital the day after wasn’t the same person who walked in the night before. I knew to expect changes in my life but nothing more than day-to-day activities related to the baby. I am still getting to know who I am becoming but I can already tell that she is the 2.0 version. She is everything that I have ever wanted to become but couldn’t because it wasn’t meant to be, just yet.
Letting go of the old me
I delivered my daughter almost eight months ago now and I didn’t realize that I was becoming a new person until three months ago. One of my biggest fear as a first-time mother was losing my sense of self. I don’t want to become a martyr mom who sacrifices her happiness, thinking it is necessary to be a good mother. For this reason, I tried to hold on to the old version of myself as much as possible. It was the thing that felt the most familiar to me at the time. The first couple of days of motherhood were like someone challenging me to climb the top of a mountain with a bunch of equipment that I wasn’t familiar with. Mind you, I never climbed a mountain before. The beginning was so difficult because I had an extra weight on my shoulders that made me question my ability to take on this journey. However, I knew deep down that the only way to enjoy this process would be to drop the extra weight and let go of who I was so I could embrace what God gifted me.
Prioritizing myself
Every time I look into my daughter’s eyes, God is telling me that I am stronger than I think. All of a sudden, every issue that were fogging my mind for so long is slowly disappearing one after the other. For example, I have always made myself available to others, especially at my work. I value my coworkers and my job very much, and I still do but I didn’t know how to draw the line between work and my mental health. I’d always put my mental health on the back burner to maintain an outstanding reputation. This all changed when I became a mother. I’ve noticed that if my mind isn’t at peace, my family isn’t going well. It’s almost as if my choices and actions weigh so much more than before. With that in mind, I am no longer afraid of asking for what I need and making others adjust for me if necessary. My mental health comes before everything else.
Doing things out of self-love, not shame
As you can tell already, saying that the birth of a child is a life-changing event is an understatement. Welcoming a child has a huge domino effect on many aspects of life. In my case, the love I have for my daughter made me love myself so much more. Once my mind shifted, things started to fall into place on their own. For instance, I began to value my time so much more than before. Any moment I get for myself is used to practice self-care. And I mean actual SELF-care, not scrolling through other people’s lives on my phone. I listen to my body and take great pleasure in the smallest things like cooking for myself, baking, exercising, bubble baths, reading, and writing. Rather than constantly chasing the most adrenaline-rush activities to share with my virtual friends, I get to stay in the present and make the most out of something as simple as playing with my kid. Building good habits became so much easier because I am not doing things out of fear or shame but out of love for myself.
When God chose me to carry this miracle of life, he saved me.
