EfM — Spiritual Autobiography
Since I had to write it anyway, I figured I might as well share it with you.
I don’t exactly remember the first time G-d intersected my life; in fact I’m not even sure of the exact moment I believed the reality that G-d was real. I do know that I was baptized as an infant in the Missouri Senate Lutheran church and at that time my parents members. My earliest recollection of attending church was with my Grandma Roses and Papa Cliff. They attended a church in Phillipsburg and I always loved to go because we stopped at the gas station and I ate a packaged sandwich that had to be heated in the microwave every Sunday for lunch. It was also a special time because I usually got to attend with them and didn’t have to drag my brother and sister along. That’s the only thing I remember from when I was young about attending church.
At age 8 I went to live with my Mamaw and Papa Jim in Branson, they were members of Shepherd of the Hills Episcopal church and I was immediately encouraged to get involved with the other young people of the church. I remember becoming an acolyte and learning about the church and the important titles for each of the elements in the service. I was probably the best acolyte there; I remember I would always point out all the mistakes the other acolytes would make. Soon after I started attending Shepherd of the Hills Fr. Bill Fasel and his family received the call to serve there. Church became a huge part of my life; he started a youth group and also I had a huge crush on his son Christopher. Not only did I start to understand why church was important, for the boys of course, I started to better understand that G-d played a huge role in my life and the fact that I was there at that very moment. The details as to why an 8 year old girl went to live with her grandparents are still something that I have yet to completely piece together but regardless I had started my journey with G-d and I knew that the circumstances were less important than the fact G-d was calling me to develop a relationship with him. The summer I turned 11 I went to Kanakuk with my best friend Megan. It was at that camp that I officially asked for Jesus to come into my heart. I remember it like it was yesterday; it was an incredibly empowering feeling. I remember feeling so overwhelmed and I still remember crying that night from the power that I felt through what I would know say was the Holy Spirit filling me with the love of G-d. I remember telling my cabin that I felt this huge weight lifted off my chest when I asked Jesus into my heart. A few months later I was confirmed under Bishop Buccanan at Shepherd of the Hills. That was the first time I honestly remember feeling G-d on my spiritual journey.
Fast forward about 6 years. I had moved to Arizona and was about to graduate from high school. I had made the decision to move back to MO to play golf for MSU. I had received a pretty great scholarship and on the surface I was living this incredibly happy life. What you couldn’t see was that I had this deep rooted anger towards my parents, my grandparents, and myself. It caused me to resort to self-harm to try and contain my feelings and gain some sort of control over something. Even though I attended church and youth group regularly, G-d was the furthest thing from my mind because if He was real He would have prevented all the things that caused me to doubt everything in my reality. He would have never let my parents let me live with my grandparents, He would have never let me move to Arizona away from my parents and siblings, He never would have let me feel like I had no self-worth or value. But He did, so I guess He wasn’t real. I was a victim of the G-d of vengeance and I wasn’t about to let Him win. During my freshman year a bad relationship with a boy caused my self-harm to not only became out of control it also caused me to drink myself right out of a scholarship and right into academic probation. G-d was about as absent from my life as the water in the desert.
The end of my freshman year G-d intersected my life in a huge way. After losing my scholarship and basically hitting rock bottom I met Josh. He was a faithful Christian who went to school at SBU. We became instant friends and very quickly Josh made me feel like I was important and that my life was anything but worthless. Because Josh was so into his church I agreed to go to church with him a few times. I didn’t really find that I fit in so he offered to try mine, St. James Episcopal Church was where my grandparents went so naturally I went there also. He liked it and would later become a confirmed member and the rest is history as far as bringing Josh to the Episcopal church. I decided that I needed help and in May of 2000 I openly admitted that I had been bulimic for the better part of 3 years. I slowly began to let myself rebuild a relationship with G-d and eventually I go to a point where I was able to trust in Him instead of resorting to harmful unhealthy behavior. Josh and I got married in June of 2002 and welcomed our first child, Tatum, in June of 2003. I had no complications with my first child and was still heavily involved in my church. After giving birth to Jayme in Sept of 2005 I got hit with a severe case of what I thought was postpartum depression, later we would learn that it was that and a combination of thyroid disease, Josh was also living in KC and only home on weekends which once again was putting a strain on my relationship with G-d and myself. If you’ve never had postpartum depression that stuff can really mess you up, in fact it can be almost debilitating. Anyway, on Dec 26th, 2005 I almost ended it all, but the big guy was once again waiting for me in the darkness with a light. Thank goodness. I spent a few days in the Marion Center where I worked on focusing my energy on becoming mentally healthier. I forced myself to let go of past anger I had towards myself, my parents, and my grandparents. I forgave myself and those who I ever felt had done me wrong. What a weight that was. I forgave them because I realized that G-d had continued to forgive me even when I least deserved it.
Fast forward to about a year ago, my mother passed away unexpectedly on my 34th birthday. Gee thanks, G-d. I was so mad and angry with Him that day and the next several after that but because I had spent so much time making my life about His calling instead of turning away and running like in the past, I just yelled at Him. I even gave Him the silent treatment for a few days. But the church family that I had since discovered was there to offer encouragement and support because G-d placed them in my life to be there because He knows from time to time I’m not going to be pleased with Him. It also gave me the opportunity to really stop and listen and try and find out what G-d is calling me to do, so in April of this year I actually gave up my own agenda and decided to follow His. I enrolled in school and am working towards a teaching degree. I’ve been overwhelmed several times since starting back but lucky for me G-d has given me people and ways to be able to follow where His footsteps may lead me.
So although G-d has been walking with me for the last 35 years, I’ve mainly come to see and feel His presence when I can no longer see the light. I can always feel Him guiding me towards the warmth and I know that my spiritual journey is far from over. He has more plans to disrupt things on my path when He sees fit and I sure hope that I’ve become better equipped to actually stop and follow Him. Although the road is never straight, I’m confident I can’t actually get that lost as long as I listen to the voice that always leads me home.
