Alone Time: I Miss My Kids

It’s been 10 days since the kids went with their dad up north and I miss them dearly. I think about them all of the time — in the airport when a dozen 9 year old boys congregated for a group picture prior to boarding the plane, on the pyramids as a mom was carrying her toddler down the steps, today when I was cleaning the back of the car and discovered Maxwell’s jacket. I’m trying very hard not to cry even though everyone I know would encourage me to do so. I’m also trying to busy myself and be alone instead of hound all of my friends to keep me company. I have to learn how to be by myself and be OK because some day a month will turn into a semester and will turn into years and after that, unless I decide to get married again, I will be alone. My friend Blanca laughingly tells me she’s already beginning to name the cats that will be walking through the door but I’m not quite there yet. I still believe there’s someone out there for me though these days it’s just better not to hope.

I’m taking Capoeira, Crossfit, dancing in my living room and walking the dog. I’m fitting nicely into my clothes now but I’m almost worried that when the kids hold me they will be disappointed. Damian used to cry when I told him that I’d lose weight and even though Maxwell thinks “mommy is fat” he loves to slap my belly and put his head on my chest. He’ll be sad to know that my boobs are the first to go.

I actually talked to my kids today, although I wasn’t expecting it until tomorrow and Thursday but shoot, I’ll take whatever I can get! It was hard to tell who was who because Damian, my eldest, greeted me with such enthusiasm that his high pitched voice sounded almost the same as Maxwell’s. He’s happy, I thought to myself as I listened to him chatter about his cousins and how he’s playing with them. I can hear Maxwell in the background insisting to talk to me and for the first time in a long time I greeted him with “hi you disgusting little boy!” I think he was so surprised he became nostalgic. If I wasn’t so emotional I’d think that it was funny that I call my kids disgusting as a term of endearment; same with the word “freak” and “stinky”.

This weekend I’ll be going to Yosemite to hang out with my friend Vicki, who has gone through a divorce as well and met the love of her life, which is my ex husband’s good friend. He won’t be there so it’s going to be just as girls and my dog. I plan to hike Half Dome and make it to the top since I didn’t have the opportunity to the last time. I’m sure I’ll carry my kids in my heart and think of things to tell them when they get back. Hopefully I’ll be able to shop more and bring home cooler things since I didn’t have a chance to properly shop in Mexico.

For now my sad wine drinking, pill popping, all alone ass would like to make myself more depressed and share some pictures:

16 weeks

Fun fact: I was knocked up and nearly two months into my pregnancy when I discovered I was pregnant. My ex knew I was pregnant before I did and I was in denial. I’d only taken a pregnancy test because I had planned to go wine tasting with my girlfriends and he insisted that I take a test before I go. I was pissed that I had to spend $15 on a pregnancy test that I was sure would read negative. When it turned positive I was so shocked that I almost walked out the door with my pants down.

The above picture of me is at 16 weeks pregnant. When the shock wore off eventually I became happy that I was pregnant and I couldn’t wait to show. I think this picture reflects more of what I was eating than the true nature of my belly lol.

Maxwell, only a few months old

I don’t ever remember taking this photo. I didn’t realize this existed. Here’s a photo of Maxwell only a few months old. I always fall in love with my babies as every mother does and thank God I still have this long hair lol.

They fight all of the damn time but boy do they love each other! OK, these are the last photos so I can go to sleep and properly cry.

Don’t feel sorry for me, the kids are loved and with their dad’s family and I agreed to all of this. I’m alone for a reason and that’s OK. I’m building strength to love myself without any unhealthy distractions except maybe wine. Otherwise mama is being a good woman, I’m always a good woman but this time I’m being a good woman not just for myself but for these babies of mine.

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