Anger — Sometimes It’s Good
I try to be pretty calm and even keel but sometimes that just doesn’t happen. I’m pissed off and I have to tell myself that’s OK. I used to get pissed off at my soon to be ex husband and unfortunately I had to supress that anger because my stbx could not control his. Anyhow, I’m more mad at myself…
Once again I’m too nice. I’d rather put the pressure on myself and cause myself the convenience of being shat on because I know I can handle it. I give people the benefit of the doubt, make excuses for their behavior and find myself in the same terrible position. For one, it’s no longer good for me to take on this stress, free will is a two sided street and second, there’s absolutely no excuse for poor behavior. I can not and will not tolerate disrespect. I don’t deserve it. I earned my karma and put up with too much for too long. Time for me to truly fight for what I believe in and become rightfully mad.
Here’s a few things I learned:
- Anger is a defense mechanism. It’s fine to defend your heart and what you believe in, sometimes it’s necessary. Just remember to choose your battles because some things are just not worth it.
- Walking away is one hundred percent acceptable. This is what I had to do with my own marriage and instead of feeling like a failure, I have to remember that I am not only defending what I believe in but what I am no longer willing to take from him or anyone else. Like I mentioned before, I will not allow my sons to believe that it’s OK for a woman to be treated as their father treated me.
- Excuses are not acceptable, explanations are. Misunderstandings can arise and that’s fine, it’s human. For instance I had a boyfriend once who was jealous of my guy friends and that’s fine. We hadn’t defined our relationship when he met them all at once and lets say they were a little testy with him. It upset me when he became challenging and then later said something bad about my friends. I didn’t make excuses for them, yes they did not treat him very well, what I did do is explain to him that they thought of me as a sister and he was the first guy I had brought around. I let him know that introducing them to him was my way of letting him into my life and also my way of letting him know that I liked him.
- The cooling down period is not only smart but necessary, however don’t let it affect your decision to communicate what’s on your mind. This is a tough one. The one thing I learned about lashing out in anger is that it’s never really a good thing. It can lead to terrible and even embarrassing blow outs. If my soon to be ex husband would have allowed even a day or two for a cool down period where he disappeared for a while I might have appreciated it and taken him seriously when he calmly communicated with me. Instead, I was constantly on the defense and often times confused in our discussions (if you call it that). I’m sure he felt the same way with me. Only problem is, I never had the chance, when we were calm, to come back to the topic. Instead of resolving anything, we ignored what was in our minds and hearts in the first place and tried to forget about it. It’s as if we never stitched the open wound until it festered and gangrened our marriage.
Again, this revelation if you will, has no bearing on my relationship with my ex husband. Rather, it reminds me that my relationships with anyone or anything moving forward needs to be strategically smarter. My anger needs strategy, an outlet. I need to allow myself to be mad but also smart about it.
What are your thoughts? Get angry much? What do you do about it?