In Response To My Recent Post and That One Friend….
OK…fuck this shit…I’m back. Who knows if I have something psychologically wrong with my brain, you know what I LOVE MYSELF and all of my quirks. I’m not a fighter for nothing so I’m going to do just that FIGHT.
I have a friend who has rapidly become truly endearing to my heart. For the sake of privacy lets just call him “Ray” (and Ray, if you’re reading this feel free to text me laughing emojis). I met Ray on Tinder and instantly loved his profile. He was handsome and seemingly smart. We matched (thank GOD) and instead of being turned off by his oddly long message to me, I liked it and decided to give him a call. What was even stranger, yet better, was our phone conversation. Unlike the dozens of men who tried so hard to sound so charming they ended up sleazy, Ray was very uptight and almost seemed suspicious of me. His words were carefully chosen and always to the point. He was up front about what he did and did not like about people which included bullshit conversations and outright stupidity. We agreed to meet each other and I learned very quickly that he is a true listener, will add to or start a conversation only if he is inspired to do so but will remain silent for what seems eternity to the normal person. I’m not normal so I became comfortable with our silences and even welcomed them at times because that meant I did not have to explain my thoughts; even better, I didn’t have to have a thought because he was OK with simply existing. With Ray, my brain can take a break.
I appreciated Ray’s extreme intelligence and sarcasm that got in the way of his already awkward social skills and got him into trouble with everybody (and I mean everybody). He was too smart. After a while I was honored to be his friend and although we didn’t hit it off romantically, I still kept in touch with him and I couldn’t be happier to have him in my life as a friend.
You see Ray is the kind of person that can easily intimidate a crowd. He jokingly describes himself as a “stoic Native American” who rarely smiles and is hard to get along with. He always tells me about how he offended some high ranking personnel or how he asked an uncomfortable question in front of several hundred people during a public panel. All of this makes me laugh uncontrollably because I find Ray to be a huge nerd with a geeky laugh and a pole up his ass. He always tenses up when I put my arm around him, which I do just to make him feel uncomfortable, and he almost unfriended me when I told him that one of these days he needs to throw a party. It’s a shame he doesn’t drink because he’d have a bevy of female followers, but if I ever tell him that, he would probably cut all communication with me for several weeks because he hates the average female and is madly in love with his ex girlfriend.
Anyhow, I called Ray today and after about 15 minutes of describing how I’m feeling sorry for myself, Ray slapped me into reality. He said everything I’m going through is a choice and that I’m putting myself in a very difficult position by giving my personal power to certain people in my life. He said I can’t be depressed because if I am depressed then my children will be depressed, end of story. “If you can’t be healthy for yourself, then there’s no way you can be healthy for your children.”
Like a knife that cut through my heart and sliced away the angst I was feeling, I wiped my nose, sat up and said “yes sir!” It only took me a few seconds in silence to think about everything he said, then I started to discuss what I want and don’t want with my life and began to get angry.
“Fuck this shit!” I was cursing to Ray for the first time. He doesn’t like cursing because he thinks that it limits the variety of words we could use as better alternatives (and I whole heartedly agree) but this time, Ray didn’t get mad at me for cursing — he laughed and almost encouraged me to get angry. If he was into hip hop music I would have suggested listening to the song “Fight the Power” by Public Enemy and after I got everything out of the way, we began to talk simply as friends and then I got hungry.
Take control of your life, he said, and I’m sticking to it….
It’s a difficult thing to do and all of my emotions are validated as they are my emotions, but knowing that I own them as well as my life which is the only one I have in this world as I know it, brings back the reality I choose to live in- eternal optimism peppered by harsh experiences but never ruled by them.
So you see, everyone has to have “that friend” from time to time; that someone who you can count on to slap you out of your self pity and into the real world that you choose for yourself. Looking back at my posts makes me want to puke all over again because I’ve wasted too much time drowning in sorrow. My own therapist had even suggested that if I don’t have to work hard or work at all, why not! Take a break, don’t get so caught up on the pressures of society, “you deserve it” she said.
Tonight I’m going to skip the glass of wine because I drank the whole damn bottle yesterday and have a meal with my sons. They need their mom, the strong one, the fighter, the crazy one they lean on for their failures and their sorrow. Next up — a positive and inspiring post because the world needs it too. I promise!