Paralyzed

It’s happening. I’m so overwhelmed that I find myself just sitting and staring into space, my mind racing from one thought to another while I forget important “to do” details in between. My bank account is dwindling fast with the holidays upon us, and I’ve been alternatively scouring the internet for single mom/low income assistance with whatever I can as well as part time jobs I can take to supplement the loan I’m about to undertake. I’m planning for the worse and it’s paralyzing me.

On one hand I feel free for the first time in my life. I feel like I can invite my friends and family over without taking my soon-to-be ex husband’s mood into consideration. I can cook whatever I want without worrying that it’s not to the satisfaction of my soon-to-be ex, and I don’t have the need to mass clean to keep my mind sane while the soon-to-be lays on the couch and does nothing for hours on end.

Each day I make a mental note of what needs to be done in the house and around my life, but each day that note cuts in half from the feelings that imprison me for few minutes at a time. They’re random feelings, each getting equal attention — anger, panic, fear, and sadness. On occasion I will appear very happy but most of that is not always sincere, except when I spend time with my children. The only feeling that is devoid of this paralysis is love. I’ll remember what I loved about him but stop almost immediately, then get up and continue with my day. I can sit here and watch the time pass without so much of a movement but when love enters my heart somehow it’s a driving force to push me forward and continue.

But how can I think of love without becoming vulnerable to hope. Hope in our marriage would be being sucked into a black hole with the teeniest notion that I can escape. I can’t hope, I can’t love but I need to move.

And so when the 4 turns into 5, I tell myself i’ll finally move to do the laundry and take a shower before panic takes hold and I’m drawn into another bought of paralysis with god knows what emotion is looping.

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