Personal Update #4: The Journey Thus Far
“The biggest risk in life is not taking any risks.” unknown.
One week ago this evening I set out for the beautiful Yosemite Valley courtesy of my good friend Vickie. Two weeks ago this evening Julio and I were toasting to our last night in Mexico and three weeks ago was my last full day with the kids. Tomorrow I’m going with Miss Kathy to a winery and then on Sunday the Anacapa Islands.
What a wonderful adventure this has been in so many ways- both good and bad -but in the end, always good.
Today I went with my home girl Becky to Target and was feeling like the real me was back. I was getting excited over lavender scented laundry detergent and describing the various ways I was going to get phone numbers from the UPS guy, the park ranger and the real ugly rancher. The UPS guy is a shoe in as long as he doesn’t have a girlfriend or a wife because he’s super flirty and I think he’d enjoy it if I casually asked him “you wanna go out sometime?” I’ve had a crush on the park ranger for a long time but he’s so cute that I’m almost certain he’s married and the real ugly rancher…well, I wonder how he’d feel if he knew I’d obsessed over him since we met and that I’ve set a standard for him that was so high anything less would truly disappoint me. Either way, I’m conspiring. And honesty, if you know me, it’s friendly banter conspiring — in other words sometimes I’m just all talk.
Work has been quite interesting only because of the tremendous amount of personal growth that has taken place within 2 months. I’m more focused and more vocal with my own needs. I’m no longer afraid to talk to my boss and wonder why or how I even developed that sense of reverence. Don’t get me wrong, I adore my boss and think that she’s an amazing person but now I really think she’s incredible but I also think I’m pretty awesome too. It’s nice to know her clients love and appreciate me in the office and that my depression didn’t strip me of the little details about people that make them happy. I’m also equally fascinated at everything I’m still learning — about the remedies, the body, the signals our brains give off. I suppose leaving the job was a good thing for several reasons: 1. the appreciation of the space I’ve learned to call my own 2. the continuous education on alternative health minus touching people 3. understanding the myriad of illnesses that don’t discriminate just one social class or nationality and 4. because if I didn’t give the other job a shot, I wouldn’t been in a constant state of “what ifs”.
What if…..How powerful are these two words??
Wednesday morning I woke with my soon to be ex husband and crush on my mind, although not in the way that you would think. The former came at the distinct memory of when I was taking a pregnancy test. The latter I’m still perplexed about. Both thoughts were sad to say the least.
For whatever reason a memory popped up of my stbx, it was when I first learned I was pregnant for the first time. We were both shocked and both cried not because we were happy about it but because we weren’t ready. We were both scared, it was unexpected and unplanned, but in the end were happy to be welcoming a beautiful soul that took the two of us getting together intimately to create; and what a wonderful being my beautiful 9 year old is. This week I had the pleasure of talking to my first born over the phone and Facetiming him and his brother. I love him so much and the pain and suffering of this divorce is well worth both the children my ex and I brought into this world. If I were to do it all over, I would do the exact same thing.
And that morning, in my sadness I suddenly realized something, then got out of bed and took the dog for a run. This journey of divorce is about love and life. It’s about the pact we make as human beings and our lives that intertwine. It’s another kink on our every day struggle, a very painful one but just another time in our life. This divorce doesn’t define me but how I live, how I choose, how I learn and how I endure, will.
There’s so much more to write about — my journey through depression and anxiety, the details of my trip to Mexico City and Yosemite. I still have that piece on Divorce and Dating I need to publish and memories yet to come like my trip this weekend.
I choose a happy life. I choose MY life. I choose this journey with its aches and pains, it’s hard lessons and wonderful discoveries. And I choose to write about each and everyone one of those lessons, discoveries, the people associated with it and my journey. Happy reading everyone, it’s definitely not over.
And with that… PICTURES!!!! (In order of talking about them lol)
I don’t know who I love more her or her daughter. Either way, I’m in love with her and her daughter lol. And this weekend I’m hanging out with this beauty for more adventures in my memory bank.
I was telling Becky how spacey I am on a normal basis. I explained that when I was depressed I was REALLY spacey but normally I’m pretty spacey about communicating with people. She said “But you’re really good about getting back to me right away.” Duh!! Cause you’re one of my girls Becky!!!
One of the first quotes I recorded at my job. Nothing more to say but TRUTH.
And now to the hard part….
This picture was taken when I first found out I was pregnant, the exact day. My girl Destini was there of course, followed by most of the stbx and his friends. When the pregnancy sank in I was happy, actually I was ecstatic.
I only have one photo of him. I wonder if he knows that I kept all of the photos of flowers he gave to me as well as the photos of the fish that he caught because I’m such a sap. I love intelligent men and unique situations which I am drawn to like a moth to bright light in the dark. I think that’s why I always went for the psychos. My crush was intelligent but very simple and plain in his life experiences, definitely a 180 from all of the men I dated. Yet one of the most profound memories in my life will be the conversations we had on my front porch when we were getting to know each other, staring into the darkness of the countryside, with only our voices in the silence of the night.
I can’t thank my Costa Rican brother enough. I had SO MUCH FUN in Mexico City. I owe so much to him. I miss him! I will never, ever give up my friends for anything especially friends like him who have been there for me for nearly half my life. There is truly a special place for him in my heart. This experience was the beginning of healing. Words will never describe how much this meant to me.
And Miss Vicki too, the woman who unleashed my wild side. I’m stalking you, sister! Now that we shared clothes you’re stuck with me hahahaha.