A biased explanation

As most of you probably know, I’m not the most happiest of campers.

For the past few weeks I’ve been dealing with some massive personal issues and that’s kept me from being online and also going out and meeting people. What I am going to write is not an apology or a plea for attention. Take it however you like. As the title says, this is a biased explanation of what’s been happening in my life and how that has been affecting me recently.

For most of my adult life I have been living with depression. It has massively affected my life — how I interact with people and how I view and value myself.

Whenever I leave the house, I assume people see me the same why I see myself: a fat, fucked up, ugly mess whom no one would care about.

Everytime I go out and try to socialise, all I think about “Why on earth am I here? When will I be asked to leave? No one’s interested so why am I staying here?” I’m incredibly shy and I when I see someone I like I run away. I run away because they, I believe, they would see me as fat and ugly and a completely boring person and that they wouldn’t be afraid to say so to my face.

I’m incredibly shy. I don’t know how to speak to people. Whenever I have the courage (yes courage, it’s terrifying to me) to introduce myself to someone I don’t know but like I feel like their thoughs will be ‘who is this fat fugly fucktard and why is he near me?’

Yes, I see myself as ugly. Growing up fat with red hair, and living in a society that sees both as disgusting, I’ve always though of myself as being ugly. It doesn’t help that random people haven’t been shy to say so either.

It’s come to the point that whenever gives me a compliment all I think is “What do they want? Do they see me as easy prey because no one would be interested? Do they see me as desperate?”

Because of all this thoughts I’m now massively lonely.

It’s come to the point where I believe, with all my friends married and in relationships and settled in their careers, that I’ve left everything too late and not to bother. It’s as though the remainder of my life it to be dedicated to grinding along in this depressing malaise until death.

This has to change. I know this. I understand this will be hard. It has the risk of making everything worse but I need to change. I must change.

Why am I putting this online? Because I literally have no one else I can talk to. But I also don’t care what people think of me after reading this. I really don’t. Like I said before, this is not a plea for attention or an apology but just an explanation as to my life from my point of view.