Dear young blood,
I know you’re tired. I won’t say that I know the exact pain you’re feeling now, but know I’ve also felt pain before. I know the way it pierces your heart leaving you to bleed with frustration, hope(lessness), and immense hate. It hurts so much, I know.
I know that at night you cry because you can’t seem to understand the way the universe works. Why does it feel like nobody listens? Why does my voice seem so small? You cry because it seems like the only person in this world that understands you is no one else but you. You look up at a dark empty space and ask God why you still exist, why it matters so much that you’re here. Your mind goes through thoughts of negativity and emptiness. It travels through a dark hole that you settle in for hours or even days. I know you feel that way right now because I’ve felt that same way too.
I’ve been tired before. I’m still tired now but I thrive. I tell myself to conquer the obstacles, and to leap over the hurdles, because the day ends and there is a tomorrow.
I’ve been in pain before. I’ve held so much hate in my heart until it swelled up so bad that I just had to let it go. I had to let it go because I wanted to have more space to love you and the rest of you. I had to let it go because I knew that the more I hurt inside, the more I’ll hurt others. I had to let it go because time will pass and if I remained in the past, I’ll be stuck in my misery. I had to let it go because I reminded myself of the wonderful things that life has given me. The greatest opportunity that I received for living is being the eldest sister to many of you. All four of you, will always be the greatest gifts that I keep at the forefront of my existence and the reason as to why I live. You too have a reason to live and I am not the one to say it.
I’m in pain now, but the pain I feel is different. This pain is a pain I feel for you. For all of you. If only I can take it away , but I can’t and I’m sorry. Just know that it only lasts a moment. Know that you don’t have to go through it alone.
I want to you know that I’m here. I fought my battles alone when I was your age, but you don’t have to. I understand you. If I don’t, help me understand you. I listen, I care. Just know that your feelings are valid. Your anger is valid. When you yell, kick, pull, cry, laugh, whine, it’s all valid. You are human. You feel a plethora of emotions at once. You don’t have to justify those emotions when you’ve been hurt or misunderstood. I’m here to catch those negative feelings and try to make sure you won’t have to feel them ever again. That’s what Ate’s do.
Also know that I can’t intercept all the time. Sometimes you have to be the first one to draw the sword. Sometimes you have to speak up first. Sometimes you have to be rational on your own and make sure that the decision you choose is just and fair. Sometimes people won’t listen to you. Sometimes you’re going to keep reasoning and releasing all this energy but the receiver will take it as something else. But also know that it’s painful for me to be on the sidelines. It’s very painful to watch when I know I should be defending you, and I’m sorry.
Little one, I know that life may seem unfair. I know that you feel as if your accomplishments go unappreciated. I know that your shoulders feel heavy because of the load that you carry, but in spite of it, you still stand and deliver.
Know that I am immensely proud of you. Know that I pray for you everyday. Know that you are indeed an Angel from the heavens. Know that your shoulders can not only carry the weight of the earth but the weight of the universe. Know that I love picking you up after school and seeing you grow each and everyday. Know that it’s okay for school to be your escape from the barriers of our home.Know that your mind can hold not only the key to your success, but also the key of hope for everyone in our family and everyone else that loves you. Know that when you tell me what you learned and what you achieved, that even when I may not always be listening, my heart does and it is filled with jubilation. Know that it’s okay if we have our fall outs. Know that I appreciate your advice even if your six years my junior. Know that life is a bitter but beautiful struggle. Know that you are strong enough to overcome it. Know that you’ve been doing it for fourteen years, and you’ll keep doing it. Know that you are a warrior far better than Sailor Moon. Know that your laughter and happiness is all I want for you to feel. Know that you are kind. Know that your heart holds so much love. Know that you are loved.
Know that I am here. I am always here.