5 small things to do when you have a sad friend
All of us, we are passing at a certain moment of our lives through hard moments and we need our friends to be there. From my personal experience and from what I noticed on others I came up with 5 small things that we can do for our friends when they feel sad, depressed or they are passing through a tough moment.
1. Be present, but absent
It might sound ridiculous for you, but it is like this: don’t push too much on your availability for them, but let them know that you are available. An easy thing to do is to tell them that you are there and they can count on you, to let them know about it and this is it.
2. Stop asking “How do you feel?”
Asking everyday what are their feelings and how are they feeling is not helping as much as we might thing. It could be a proof of being there, but in the same time is augmenting their anxiety and makes them think that maybe they are not so ok as they could imagine or believe in that certain point. Being more directly: you can destroy their hope.
3. Act normal
When we are informed by our friends that they are passing through difficult moments, due to the fact that we care about them, we have this instinct to become suddenly more available than never. To put them on the 1st place, to change our schedule after them and so on…and this…again is not the way. First, because this is just because of their hard moment and secondly, because we can again increase their anxiety, by sending them the unconscious message that they are not ok and they need our support. It is enough to trust and let them be aware of this.
4. Do little things together
From time to time, but not too often (remember the previous things 1 to 3) invite them for a coffee, or a concert, a movie, a theater play or playing a sport, go for beach or go for a walk, a hike, whatever are the interest of you and your friends. Have in mind to avoid going too often in deep conversation related with their issue. You should do this only if they start it and this represents a need of them.
5. Just Listen and don’t give advices, if aren’t asked
Nobody likes unasked advices for many reasons that I will not explain here, the most important for me is that I don’t need someone to tell me at each step what I need to do, as I don’t know. In most of the cases I know and all I need is to share, which leads to the need of a listener not and advisor. If I’m looking for an advice I will ask.
Another important thing for being a good listener is to know how to address the proper questions in such a way that they are useful for your friend, not for your curiosity. This means to address open questions and from the answer to develop another questions. Have in mind also the fact that your role as a friend in this situation is to be a truly, honest friend, able to have a clear overview of the situation, to not be emotionally involved and to have the courage to put questions which, even if they might be hard ones, will make your friend to be honest and to try to have the big picture of the situation.
Friendships are relationships and this is something for which we have no guidline, it is up to our feelings, our way of being and our life experience. Friendships are about sharing and caring.
