Mastering Emotional Intelligence — 7 Practical Tips That Changed It All

A teacher’s journey to understanding and managing emotions

Today, I am an English teacher. I can speak in front of a class for hours without the slightest discomfort.

But:

As you can imagine, it wasn’t always this way. My cheeks used to flush red before I uttered a word. The best thing I could manage was to bury myself in my studies. I became the most hardworking student in the class simply because I got so nervous that I could only recite what I had memorized.

Now, looking back, I realize that if I had slept better and worried less about the outcome of every exam, my life would have been much more manageable. And my grades would likely have reflected that improvement.

Once, my outgoing and chatty roommate Christy mentioned she wouldn’t study before an exam. She said she had already absorbed enough material in class during the semester. She was attentive and active in most lessons. With a casual goodnight, Christy headed to bed, leaving me to my “night shift” of last-minute cramming.

Who felt more relaxed on the big day?

Naturally, she did.

Who achieved a better result?

Surprisingly, she did.

That’s the magic of our outlook. Christy exuded confidence, leaving a positive impression on everyone. I doubted myself, and others followed suit.

Through first-hand experience, I’ve come to understand the significance of emotional intelligence and its profound impact on academic performance.

Let me share my journey; perhaps it can offer guidance on your own challenging path.

What Is Emotional Intelligence?

I delved into the topic of emotional intelligence, and one author who particularly captivated my attention was Daniel Goleman and his groundbreaking work, Emotional Intelligence, published in 1995. Despite its age, the book remains as relevant as ever. Here are some key insights from Goleman’s work.

Emotional intelligence pertains to how effectively we navigate our relationships with others.

Goleman identifies four domains of EQ:

• Self-awareness: Understanding what we feel and why. It serves as the foundation for sound decision-making.
• Self-management: The ability to regulate distressing emotions, preventing them from overpowering us. It forms the basis for self-motivation and aligning our actions with our passions.
• Empathy: Understanding the emotions of others.
• Social skills: The ability to integrate these domains effectively.

Goleman emphasizes that biologically, the brain area responsible for managing our emotions is also involved in attention control.

Being at peace with our feelings, whether anger or joy, enhances our learning ability, as attention is fundamental to learning.

We have a habit of measuring our worth as individuals solely based on our IQ.

However:

Goleman argues that IQ accounts for only 20% of success in life. The remaining 80% is attributed to other factors, including emotional intelligence (EQ). Although emotions are hard-wired in our brains, significantly less research has been dedicated to EQ compared to IQ.

One fact impressed me most of all:

While IQ remains relatively fixed throughout our lives, EQ can be developed over time.

This realization has brought about a profound transformation in my life, studies, and work.

7 Methods That Helped Me Boost My EQ

I’m sharing the strategies that have helped me enhance my EQ. They are personal, and while some may not resonate with you, consider them as potential reference points to forge your own path.

1. Determining My Starting Point

First of all, I began questioning my level of emotional intelligence and how far I was from the ideal.

I found two free psychological tests:

• The ability to “read” other people’s emotions: This test entails viewing pictures of individuals displaying various emotional states and labeling these conditions accurately.
• Emotional self-regulation: In this assessment, you rate your ability to understand and manage your own feelings. One drawback of this test is that individuals may underestimate their skills.

I expected a worse result, particularly on the first test, but I was surprised to discover the opposite. I excelled in discerning others’ emotions but encountered challenges in regulating my own. These findings indicated the areas I needed to focus on to evolve into a better version of myself.

2. Observing My Feelings

The wisest decision I’ve ever made was to acknowledge and track my feelings rather than disconnect from them. Previously, I would brush off my anxiety, anger, and frustration, believing that it demonstrated strength. Little did I realize that confronting my emotions is my true strength, whereas avoidance is not.

Here’s what I did:

Whenever I experienced random bouts of sadness or more intense feelings like depressive thoughts, I sought out a comfortable, secluded space and allowed myself to fully experience these feelings. I examined how they manifested and when they eventually dissipated.

The approach proved effective, particularly during anxiety attacks. By rationalizing my fears and understanding their triggers, I was able to diminish their intensity. Moreover, it aided me in discerning whether certain individuals were deserving of my attention (something I am still working on).

3. Paying Attention to My Actions

I quickly noticed the value of tracking my emotions and delved deeper by observing my actions.

For instance:

Every time I was working on a challenging task, I would seize every opportunity to procrastinate. Additionally, when I forced myself to focus, I would start to biting my nails.

Why was I doing all those unproductive actions?

I soon realized that the more I procrastinated, the more entrenched the habit became. The frequency of nail-biting increased the more I engaged in it. The underlying issue extended beyond the activities themselves — it was my brain reacting to stress.

This realization helped me to become more focused.

Whenever I felt the urge to grab my phone and scroll through the news, I began to question my aversion to the task at hand and resolved to tackle it head-on.

4. Journaling

You may have guessed the bulk of the new information I generated for myself. Mindfulness requires a lot of time, effort, and intellectual resources. I poured all my findings into a journal, which eventually became an intellectually and emotionally rewarding hobby.

I documented my intense emotions, describing their triggers and the actions I took, whether voluntary or involuntary.

Over time, my recording system evolved, becoming more concise and less time-consuming. This evolution allowed me to dissect the most complicated feelings, making them more manageable.

5. Learning to Listen Actively

As a student, I would write down everything my professor said verbatim. My notes became extensive and difficult to decipher. The pursuit of precision consumed all my attention, causing me to lose the joy of interacting with the teacher, and I hardly remembered anything after the lecture.

By the end of my studies, I was acquainted with the concept of active listening.

However:

I only understood its importance after learning about emotional intelligence. My notes ceased to be the primary source of information before the exam. Instead, I relied on textbooks and resources.

I started listening to what the teacher was trying to say. Sometimes, I took fewer notes, but I remembered more.

I engaged in the following practices:

• Asking a lot of questions — which was the fastest way to fill in the gaps in my understanding.
• Giving nonverbal clues that I was listening — which left a lasting impression on every teacher.
• Minimizing distractions — which consisted of taking fewer notes, at least in my case.
• Listening to my classmates — which, surprisingly, provided me with even more valuable information and improved my relationships with them.

6. Embracing Criticism Gracefully

Of course, these changes didn’t come easily. The more I interacted in class, the more vulnerable I became to criticism. However, my lengthy experience of keeping silent had already taught me that I could hide in my shell, where little criticism will reach me, but growth only happens when you risk leaving your shell and interacting with others.

Thus, I developed a strategy that helped me turn any criticism to my benefit:

1. First, I would pause and think to myself, “All right, she thinks my answer is dumb. However, I must remember that she is just a student and could be wrong. Don’t panic. Breathe.”
2. Then, I would acknowledge my feelings, saying to myself, “Her remark made me feel helpless and stupid. Did she intend to be mean? If so, she might dislike me. If not, perhaps I can explain myself better next time.”
3. After that, I would ask for precise feedback about my opinion. In most cases, their answer would lack details, showing their prejudice or bad mood. Sometimes, however, I learned valuable lessons from what they told me.
4. Lastly, I would thank them for their remark, whether I agreed with it or not, saying, “Thank you for allowing me to challenge my thoughts.”

7. Identifying Toxic People

As I mentioned above, some people intend to insult you. They thrive on your embarrassment and use it to bolster their own self-opinion.

Whenever I noticed someone criticizing me without reason, I began to label them as toxic. From then on, I paid less attention to what they said because I realized that everything they uttered reflected their own toxic nature, not my shortcomings.

One classmate would comment on my lack of style or how frequently I spoke up during in-class discussions. She pretended to have good intentions, but the criticism was constant.

After a while, I looked through my journal and found that I had mentioned her almost every day. My brain had been flooded with her toxicity. Eventually, I tuned out her criticism and immediately felt better.

I was astonished to find that when others felt their power over my mood lessened, they began looking for another victim. I still feel sorry for those people since the time and effort they spend criticizing others will never bring them any good.

Lessons Learned

This list is endless, as I learn something new every day. But here are several milestones in my EQ growth that have made an enormous difference:

1. My relationships with people have grown stronger. People gravitate towards individuals with a high EQ. In fact, the higher my index has become, the more positive the interactions I have with others.
2. I have become more socially active, which has given me a wonderful feeling of fulfillment.
3. Anxiety and depression are now only rare guests. Stronger relationships have improved my overall emotional well-being.
4. My health has also improved. Stress is the leading source of many health issues since it robs you of your sleep and well-being. Every step I have taken to develop my EQ has helped me to protect my peace and focus on what matters the most.
5. I have improved my performance at my job. Now, I don’t waste my brain’s processing capacity on overthinking, having the energy to focus on and enjoy my tasks.

While the journey to emotional intelligence is ongoing and ever-evolving, the strategies I’ve shared have laid a strong foundation for continued growth. I hope my experiences serve as a guide for you, paving the way for deeper connections, improved resilience, and lasting success.

I would appreciate it if you would share your thoughts with me.

Have you ever thought that emotional intelligence is something to work on?

Do you have any favorite methods to boost EQ?